Just to start, I wasn't meant to be a girl, or at least that's how I saw it. From the bullying from my peers and the one time that a teacher mistaked me for a guy, I honestly believed that, for 8 years I believed that. I couldn't wait to leave school, I couldn't wait to get out of the house either. I was adopted, and sometimes (whether they realized it or not) they treated me as such, an outsider in the famly. My real family was still around, my grandma mostly. The other half of me I wanted so desperately to be with (my father) remained at a distance, thinking that gifts would make up for lost time, that the awkwardness between us when he spilled the beans (I was 14) was just a phase, but he will find himself sadly mistaken. I never knew who he really was, maybe that's where this all started...but, I digress.
I never really thought about it much at first, I realized that I found both genders attractive and I'd say it as such, but I believed it was the libra in me, we recognize beauty in all forms (just like the Tod from Scrubs) However, I began talking with what group of friends I did have at school, and realized...I was a freak. I didn't fit in with the girl class: I was a tom boy, I loved to do things the guys could do, and I loved to do it better than them. Though I sound confident, I'm actually as deep as the water that fills a sink; I'm shy, and afraid to of rejection, but during school I tried my best for people to either find my awkwardness amusing, or leave me the hell alone.
When I met Molly, things started to change for me drasticly. Molly (a psychic) was friends with a boy I had practically grown up with (he's known as Koala) Koala had a secret too, one I had never noticed, or he hid it so well that I never would've guessed...until she told me. I was heart-broken in so many ways; why didn't he feel he could tell me? Did he think I had already known and just shrugged it off? I'd had a major crush on him that was growing through out school, he was the only one that treated me like an equal out of my friends, because like Molly told me, I could read people, quite well for my age too; So, I knew out of my friends who were the fakes. Koala wasn't necassarily nicer than they were, we fought a lot, almost like we 'were' dating or the kind of fight that makes people jokingly say, "They bicker like a married couple" but no one really asked me how much I had wanted that to be so, but since he wasn't interested in me, genderwise to say the least, I felt a hole within.Molly told me that it wasn't my fault, that wasn't why I was crying; I cared about him a lot, and I knew his family, particularly his mother, and she wasn't the kind to accept things easily; stubborn and set in her ways, I knew that his secret was probably eating at him to the very bone, and it wasn't anything I could help him with, which struck me even harder. Molly read me like a book before the day was out, she said I'd met the one to hold my hand in his heart...but I wasn't thinking of my prince...I pictured the man just around the corner, was me.
High School changed for me when Nate died. A major crush of mine in high school commited suicide, and what made me emotionless that day when they said it over the intercom was because I'd dreamed the exact moment the night before, and I didn't recognize the name until afterward. I sat at the lunch table as the guys were chatting with each other about going hunting while Koala sat reading the school paper across from me, and we both looked at each other like dejahvu. The world around me was silent, I saw lips moving, and yet it was silent...then the PA kicked on. I remember a scream breaking the weird spell I was in, and the voice of the principal explaining that a student had commited suicide November 7, 2001; it seems so clear even now, it sits on my heart still though I remember Molly saying I had to let go (I met her 2 years after all this) but it's hard when you're a shy teenager desperate for love, and you fall so hard for a boy you couldn't even muster a conversation with (I was that kind of shy and he was that kind of guy, but he was beautiful to me...he 'is' beautiful to me) I couldn't cry, it wasn't that I didn't want to, or I was pretending to keep my cool around my friends, I had forgotten how. My mother used to always yell at me when I cried, always angrily asking what was wrong with me when I couldn't tell her that the reason was her, so I trained myself to stop so she wouldn't yell, and I hadn't cried a drop for almost two years. Sitting there in all that sadness, I felt like I was feeding off it, taking in everyone's pain and holding it for them, so that when it was all over I'd be the one curled up in the corner balling my eyes out, I could never find it in myself to be mean or hurtful, I was at times, but it would eat at me if I didn't apologize for it, my very soul would turn into a weight inside if I didn't act myself, I will always be compassionate to a fault, no matter how hard I try to hide it. I made a promise to myself after that day, I wouldn't cut myself anymore (I will tell you however, the urge for that sensation is like going cold turkey from cigarettes after being a chain smoker for years...it is not something to be taken lightly) and that I wouldn't be this shell of a person anymore, I wouldn't go around with my head down thinking all the voices were talking about me, that everyone's opinion of me was pretty much like stepping in dog shit (my "It might be out in the open, and you might find yourself in the mess, but you whipe it off and move on" attitude) I kept tha promise, and in a way, I had to thank him so much for that, and I did.
Vocational school was totally different for me, I made sure of it. I put on my Neon Orange pants, converse, and my mac&cheese "soul mates" shirt and went to school with a smile on my face and change in my heart. At the beginning of the year we had a get-together where everybody acted like idiots and got points for it. I was up against a boy name Steve and a few others in impersonations (He was a major Chewy fan, thus his impersonation was such, and I was Scooby-Doo, which led to my nickname, Scoob) I had so much fun, and later I found they had posted a picture of me on their site where I was in mid-slid doing the cupid shuffle, and I realized I had made more friends in that one day than I did the two years at my normal high school. I was in Commercial Arts, Art was my thing and always will be (my desire to be the best tattoo artist is the one dream I won't give up on, no matter how frowned upon it is to my family) Everyone was so considerate and talkative, sure it was the first day, but that first day lasted for the last two years I had of high school, but that feeling inside started to come back again.
How can a girl explain to someone that she's a gay man trapped in a woman's body? What did that mean to most people? My friends thought I was saying it as a joke like I meant, "I'm a gay man (I like boys) trapped in a woman's body (I would still thus like boys...usually)" but that wasn't what I meant. I still felt that hole, and the gay scene was more than a fascination for me, it was a lifestyle. I wanted to be them, I wanted to feel right in my own skin. Koala didn't understand either (which is saying something since I was all for him coming out of the closet and then he turns insensitive on my part) I wanted him to be the one to understand, he knew me more than anyone (that also made it suck more when he got so mad that we lost touch) I had to just shrug it off and move on, and I have the best I can.
Graduation came and went, everyone going their own way, giving out e-mails, and phone numbers to keep in touch. It's hard to stay in touch with everyone (as a kid you have the mentality of "Oh, we're going to be BFF forever and we'll see each other on the holidays and parties and etc., but then you get to that point and you slowly progress into the realization that you have a job, they have a job or college (or both) and then finding the time to text or call becomes fewer, and fewer) As for me, I settled with a man I fell in love with at prom (though we met online) I snuck him in (we were allowed 21, he was 27) He was so kind and introduced himself to my friends, and like most girls (Or so I would suppose) the last slow song is the deal breaker.
I live with him now, happy as a "gay man in a girl's body" can be I guess. He's the kind of guy I probably don't deserve, but I'm grateful to have him, and he knows my secret; He understands, but he doesn't have the same interest in men as I do...so we made the deal that he stays with me if I stay a woman...which I guess is okay for me...but I just wanted to tell him something I couldn't tell many others, not family, not many friends...something I felt was extremely wrong was to change my gender...but then, there's that hole...
(This is a pic of me ^.^)
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