The lonely Twinhood

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
You will be my special bridemaid in my wedding I told her. But my bridemaid never came in my wedding! I lost my twin, I lots her very easily ! In life, it's a given that you lose people and they will flow in and out. But loosing someone important to you will feel like a sucker-punch every single time, you will never see it coming. When it happens, you won't want to believe it.

Submitted: December 02, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: December 02, 2016



The lonely twin hood 

Mom, Why do we celebrate birthdays together?  Cause you are twins my child !!!

The story begins;

Wow a baby girl, all midwives and nurses looked at me as they hold you. In same night, same hospital right after 15 minutes, wow another baby girl!

I wasn't told that I was a twin in the age of four or five. Our childhood was very positive, we enjoyed being twins. I always had a close relationship to my twin and she exactly knew my feelings. We were going to school together studying in the same class and wearing school uniform, sky blue shirt and white pajama with a tiny white scarf on our shoulders. We were playing football in a team and enjoying long distance walk.
In New Year, EID or other occasions we were making matching clothes and started taking pictures.
As my country was occupied by soviet (1979 – 1989) and conflict between Islamic fundamentals last for next ten years, it has made thousands of families including my parents to leave their country and start life as a refugee in neighboring country, Pakistan, Iran or other places where they could survive.
My parents and many other families tried to build new life with new hopes.
There were many camps around, but I will never forget those dusty streets and muddy houses of the small refugee camp where I have spent my entire childhood along with my twin.
The camp had a very simple map; a big round open space in the middle surrounded with houses all around located in 45KM distance from the Fifth largest city in Pakistan, Peshawar, literally means “men's city”. People from different ethnic groups used to live in a friendly environment in this camp and supporting each other in daily life.
By the time we both grow up in those dusty streets. Beside all those bad circumstance as refugee status, we never missed the celebration of our birthday every year, doesn't matter we have big or small cake, we will celebrate it till the end we promised. I didn’t had a clue that the promise will never be completed!
I have never had the thought that one day we will be separated from each-other. I am talking about the time I completed my secondary school and passed university, I had to come to my homeland to do my bachelors.

As a refugee child I always dreamed of freedom, peace and security for my own country.
Back in “1997” “The Face of women is corruption” for men not related to them, according to Taliban spokesman. During Taliban regime women were forced to wear the Burqa at all the time in public.
I packed my bag and carry on a lot of dreams with myself. Through the media I knew that Taliban and Islamic fundamentals are not in power anymore, my country is free of evils I thought. Life as a refugee in other country and freedom of your own soil is totally a different chapter of the story.
It is very unusual that girls live by themselves in Kabul, as women are all the time forced to do what men in their families want them to. Luckily I belong to an educated family, my father let me take my own decisions. I choose to stay in “National Women’s Dormitory” for next four years, which was originally to build in 1970s, but years of war had caused much damage to it.
I based in Kabul in 2006, the time when international troops get more and more, problems are increased day by day, more suicide attacks and threats for women. Insurgents would take the responsibility for every single attack, saying the motive was international troops.

It was looking like I am losing all those dreams that I carried with myself. Even though the country was turned by war once again our friendship kept growing stronger.
In the long distance and separation we wrote all our feelings in a piece of paper, we had no mobile phones and of course no social media addiction that time. I couldn’t sleep all that long night, I was extremely happy when I suddenly get informed that my twin has passed her university, she is coming to join me in the dormitory. Those long summer days….. I still remember. We took one room but separate beds with study table and a small cupboard attached with the bed. We used to share clothes, makeup, sandals, bags and everything.

We weren't identical, my twin was a bit taller than me. She was calm and had white moisture skin. I am darker and bad-tempered. In hostel life anytime she had any and issue with her classmates or someone else, she would threaten them saying; wait, wait....I am gonna call my twin to teach you!!! I would get myself ready for a big fight happening next.

Whenever we to introduce ourselves to new girls in the hostel we would start to show them our big photo album. All girls were impressed by our story, friendship and the birthday crashes. We put all pictures in order starts from childhood till the last birthday we celebrate. We decided to keep birthday celebrations like that we continue photo process, and this is the only way to keep memories.
I still remember when my mother said; come on, it's time to celebrate your children's birthday not yours. This is what you can expect from a typical afghan mother!
As we used to wear same to same clothes on birthday occasions, this time we ordered a medium size pink long shirt Punjabi outfit with soft cream pajama and pink shawl with soft cream dots, from Pakistan to wear it on our 24th birthday.
Happy Days passed and summer gone!
In one of those summer days in the hostel my other friend found that we both are not sisters. All girls in hostel started asking me the same question; hey,,… she is not your sister, and you said you are twins,  how come? I turned red tempered at that moment and told her; she is my twin, my childhood friend, my cousin, my classmate and now my Roommate!  Is there closer relationship other than this?
Cousins are usually the first friend we have as child. They are the best of both worlds, they are family and friends at the same time. The first friend you make and the only friends guaranteed to be there for the rest of your life.

There were a lot of chicken and ducks in our street, thus we call it Chicken Street. We both were living in the same street (Chicken Street) during refugee life in Pakistan. There was only 30 seconds of running distance from my place to her.
My mother continued telling me the story of twin angels born in one magical night. In one of those long winter nights I was in my deep labor waiting in the hospital, I saw your uncle's wife walking toward bed; Oh no, there was no such rush, you could visit me tomorrow, or any other day I said. I came for my own delivery she replied with a smile on her face.

I decided to spend a long talking night with my twin before my engagement, I went to her house, and she cooked macaroni and bean sauce with yogurt for me. My mouth started melting now, she cooked it very delicious. I remember the lovely night we have spent together and started chatting about our future plans. Your fiancé is the best, you are very lucky, now it's time to give me a big big treat she said. I promised her for a big treat, that treat never happened!

Days gone and finally, in August, 2014 we had kind of big engagement party. On our engagement night my fiancé holds my hands, we were walking slowly towards the stage, I watched her sitting in the corner and dressed with a dark black Indian gown covered with a veil and put a typical afghan pony in her hair. She started making up her face for me. Gosh.... This girl will never grow up I told in my heart that time.
Few days later I visited her again and we spent that whole long night in a basement at her house together. She made some chips with lemon and green chilies for me. We started enjoying snacks and non - stop gossips.

You will be my special bridemaid in my wedding I told her. But my bridemaid never came in my wedding!

I never knew this will be my last night with her forever!
You never expect the one person you thought you could always depend on to disappear without saying goodbye.
You look through pictures from back when you were happy, holding each other and get suddenly overwhelmed by horrible emptiness and discard the draft. The worst part is you don't even know how to explain yourself.

To pass my time for one-hour long a bus drive with my mom, I listened to an Indian video song in my iPad, the song suddenly made me think about my twin. This is her favorite song, she could dance perfectly with it. I was deeply in much thoughts when I suddenly took my phone and saw five missed calls from home. I was in Pakistan with my mom. phone calls are expensive between two countries, I didn't had enough phone credits to call back, but five missed calls one after another made me a bit nervous, I called back home for few seconds. Is everything alright I quickly asked my sister, when she replied NO ! My all body started shaking.

In life, it's a given that you lose people and they will flow in and out. But loosing someone important to you will feel like a sucker-punch every single time, you will never see it coming. When it happens, you won't want to believe it.
It's a specific kind of loneliness like a wave. In so many ways losing a twin and close friend like her are the worse than anything.

I was due to getting married to coming months, I postponed it. I was feeling like all my dreams with her are gone now, It was the worst few months of my life.
I wasn't sure I believe it, I was in a little world of my own trying to understand why would that happen? It was like someone would spoil water on all your dreams.
Living in a War-Torn country, I was always worrying about suicide attacks, bombs and rockets, but in the end something very easy took her life. She couldn’t live her dreams. So she decided to move on. She found it very difficult to live under the circumstances of my country.

During her death process I had two recurring thoughts.
The first; we didn't even had a chance to talk about this _ we talked about everything.
The second; I have such a long time to live without her around; how do I navigate the years ahead.

The shock still reverberate today and I constantly stumble across the realization that she's gone. I turn back the pages of our photo album and look back to the memories we have spent together – I lost my self !
My husband that completely felt me that time told me; “I know the important part of your life is gone now, we have no choice, you have to get on with life” !

There are so many things about our friendship that I don't want to forget, I documented the important events, our photographs and other touching memories.

The year gives way to a year. So I decided to write this in memory of our 27thbirthday. I was thinking of different titles to be given for this article, “Twin less twin” or “The lonely twin hood”. I choose the “The lonely twin hood” I am alone now.
Birthdays are a double edged sword. It's a celebration you can't even help yourself but remember there should be two celebrations. We both promised that we will celebrate our birthday every year together. I don’t want to break that promise.  
Day by day I adjust to life and work with great support of my love and husband, on particularly bad days, he took it moment by moment.
I have got a good circle of friends but I will always miss her. I feel like my right arm is missing permanently, Its been two years, I am waiting for it to come back. 

Twinless twin ………..


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