One out of Six

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

No work at office, feeling bored, what do i do? write.

Necessity is the mother of all inventions”. I don’t have an idea about the author of this proverb, but right now I do have a necessity; to wipe out this aura of boredom that has been around me for the last few days. So what do I do? It’s obvious from the above proverb that I should be inventing something. But then, what do I invent? Considering the fact that I am an engineer, which my BTech degree says I am, I ought to invent some kind of an engineering marvel that would be a boon to mankind. But I  being the protagonist this time round, I am sorry to say that mankind is a bit unlucky. A new dish (non- vegetarian of course) might be something more plausible. Apparently, what I invented is this incredible (Come on! It’s my writing, and everything mine is obviously incredible for me) piece of writing.
 
Just when I thought I am done with answering my own stupid questions, another one pops up. Why am I bored? Honestly speaking, I am not bored the whole day. It is that sluggish period of time  from 9:30 in the morning to 5:30 in the evening when the devil of boredom devours me. Ironically, these are the same hours that feed me too, for these are my office hours. During these hours I just dawdle around the department disturbing others for my selfish reason of expending this span of time, which seems to stretch to eternity. But the majority of these unproductive hours are spent with my computer monitor. We just sit there and adore each other’s distinct facial features. Symbolization of eternal love has never been better.
At the stroke of 5:30 the devil pukes and I am free from the world of boredom, only to be gobbled up again the next morning, unless of course it is a public holiday or a Sunday. I don’t even sign the attendance register which every employee is supposed to do before leaving office; the reason being the strategically chosen location of the attendance register. The register is placed in one of the perilous locations on the surface of Mother Earth. It resides just outside the HOD’s cabin.
From inside that glass cabin, the HOD gives me the impression of  a murder convict sentenced to death. Completely isolated from the rest of the department, he sits there romancing his personal computer. He feels her keys gently with his murderous hands and waits for her response. Sometimes her response brings a wry smile on his face, but more often than not the gentle touch gives way to a murderous punch. A feeling of pity runs through me at this sight of solitary confinement. But professional ethics does not allow any employee to show sympathy  for his or her boss, and I am someone who always sticks to professional ethics. Hence, I am stopping it right here.
 
However, I find it difficult to not  praise  the extraordinary skills that my HOD possesses. My HOD is the proud owner of one of the most powerful pair of eyes that God has ever gifted a man. The eagle eyes he possesses keep a watch on each one of the employees filling up the register. These eyes then convert the image of the person into an electrical format which is then immediately transferred through his nerves to the highly complicated ‘HODical’ brain. In here, these signals are converted back into the image format. This image is now compared with the millions of images residing in the memory. When a match occurs, the eyes jump into action again, this time looking at the watch tied across his hairy wrist. Details such as name and time of leaving are then updated in the Excel sheet of his mind (Every HOD is born with one and Microsoft doesn’t gain anything from this). There is also a comparison block programmed in his brain which compares the actual time of leaving of each employee with the expected time of leaving. Calculations involved in these are too difficult to digest for a commoner and hence I’m not going into its intricacies. Now, after these comparisons if you are found to be one of the early ones, then you’ll be honored with an eye popping stare that can electrocute each and every molecule in your body. Try calculating the number of molecules in a human body and then you’ll appreciate the fury of the eagle’s stare.
 
After 8 hrs of literally doing nothing, my 5ft 6” body and my ever so tangled mind starts to crave for some action. Finally out of the devil’s tummy, I decide to feed them. The thirst for action takes me to the gymnasium. People coming to the gym have their own personal reasons for doing so, and they can be classified into a few groups. First, there are the unsatisfied ones who pump away weights until they reach that unbelievable point of satisfaction. Then you have another lot who hit the gym for fear of an early death. These are literally a bunch of male and female fat asses for whom coming to the gym is an act of penance for all the wrongs (overeating) they  have done, sitting on those cosy couches, switching between TV channels. Then you have the ‘going to be brides’ who hit the gym in fear of last minute rejection. But these are the disloyal ones who never come back once the knot is tied, because they know that their partners will have to now live with it.. But nowadays, with divorces on the rise, housewives are also frequent visitors. Apart from these, there is another group of people who come here just to chat. They torment the gym instructors with queries that never seem to end. These guys think that by just talking about various workouts, they are going to wake up tomorrow with bigger muscles.”God save them!”
Dancing away to the instructions of my trainer, I wondered which one of these groups I belonged to (obviously not the bride or housewives one).
 
Anyhow, the workout instills in me a peg of confidence that I often lack. Hand in hand with this newly acquired confidence I walk towards the railway station. If the HOD’s cabin was one of the most dangerous locations on earth, then a Mumbai local railway station is one of the most action packed places you’ll ever come across. Boarding a Mumbai local is more like playing a virtual reality action game rather than a happy ride home. The game begins,  the instant  the sight and sound of the 9 bogeyed, two headed (one in the front, the other at the rear) monster hits the commuter’s senses. The game constitutes  a number of missions that one has to complete, to emerge as the winner.
Mission 1 is to board the monster. It may sound quite simple, but this is one arduous task that you need to complete right at the start of the game. Even before the monster comes to a halt, there is a huge horde of gamers trying to get down in a hurry to complete their respective games. Your task here is to swim against this wave and get on board. In case you need a bit more excitement, all you need to do is to be a few seconds late. This would mean that you will have to first run at a certain speed and then perform a timely hop on to the train, while of course the above events are happening. An untimely jump here may result in ‘GAME OVER’. Once you are on board, the next mission (2) is to stay alive inside until you reach your destination. People who practice ‘Pranayama’ would have an edge over the others in this mission ‘cause you’ll need all those heavy breathing and breath control techniques to stay alive amidst a crowd of people, who are all geared up to crush the others to death, so that they can emerge  the winner in the game. Hanging in there, evading armpits after armpits, I realized that, like the diverse cultures, religions and languages that we boast of, India is also a land of diverse body odors. Every region has got its own distinct one, and cramped into a Mumbai local, you come across each one of it. The concoction that develops is what I think the body odor of India personified would be.
In case you had selected the higher excitement level in the previous mission, then that extra bit of excitement is going to exist all the way through the Game. In this case, there is a high probability that only 10% of your body would be inside the compartment now. The other 90% would be hanging out in the wind. Now, you would get to perform an extra task, the successful completion of which would help you in the next mission. The bonus task here is to dodge the trees and electrical transmission line posts that come in the way of your 90% body. An untimely dodge here would again mean “GAME OVER”.
Provided you are still alive and breathing, there is just one more mission  to complete the game.
In Mission 3, you have to get through an upstream wave of gamers who are all set to kick off their respective games. As in the previous missions, the excitement hungry lot can wait for the train to make a move and then get down. This way they’ll have to first make a timely jump off the train and then follow it up with a short jog. A timely jump is again the most vital task to be performed here to avoid another ‘GAME OVER’ situation. However, even a jump at the right instant of time, in the opposite direction of the train’s movement can be quite fatal. A stupid act like this would mean that you’ll not only have to face the embarrassment of losing the game when victory was  a finger distance away, but also you’ll have to limp all the way  back home. If you are lucky enough, you may also break a few bones. I take this occasion to confess that I did this outrageous act once. Though, I didn’t break any bones, I limped for the next two days, one day due to the pain and the other day just to see the various ways in which people could express their sympathy.
 
Finally, I reach my stephome (my real home is in Bangalore…or is it Cochin? or Trichur? I’ve never been able to figure this out). Now, I along with my roommates get busy with the household chores. God! We sound like a bunch of divorced housewives who are living together for extending moral support to each other. However, it’s real fun. The kitchen is the liveliest place in our home. Cooking, they say is an art of fire and water employed in the right amount at the right time (of course, you need to add the main food item also). However, we are just rookies who have turned to this art to save money for other basic needs of mankind like booze and cigarettes. The kitchen is where we perform all our experiments that we had happily let others do during our chemistry labs. Once in a while, we succeed and then we sit together and gobble up our dinner in a manner that could even put the stray dogs to shame. In the events of failure we again sit, but this time not together, and not on the same day but the subsequent one, in the air-conditioned washrooms of our respective departments and try to figure out what could have gone wrong. But nowadays, our digestive systems have got used to the unpredictability in the quality of food that it has to work on, and hence don’t trouble us much.
After dinner, we get into a heated debate on topics of international importance like, why America should kill our bosses first and not Osama, the vital stats of various heroines and the reasons for its sudden change, why there is no discount sales on liquor and of course, when are we going to lose our virginity (most of us lie when this one comes up). After this immensely beneficial general knowledge gaining session, I am all drowsy and ready to hit the sack. This marks the beginning of the end of a day in my present life. 1/ 6 almost done, 5 more to go. Now, as I fall into the abyss of sleep, I pray to the almighty to adorn my dreams with innumerable girls who are rich in beauty and poor in terms of clothes. I pray to him that when tomorrow dawns, the devil of boredom should have an upset stomach so that he doesn’t gobble me up again, my HOD’s eagle eyes should be infected with conjunctivitis so that I don’t burn any of my molecules and we succeed in our experiments  in the kitchen so that we don’t have to waste any man-hours sitting in the washrooms.


Submitted: January 06, 2011

© Copyright 2020 Srikanth Narayan. All rights reserved.

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Jaques Smit

The only crit I can give is watch out for jumping between present and past tense, also switch on all the grammer and spelling check options for your word and it will sort out alot of other little problems you have with your grammer.

over all a great article and ejoyable to read.

Mon, January 10th, 2011 7:02am

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I' ll make sure i check that Jack. This article was actually the first article i'hv ever written in my life. My friends say that i have shown improvements in the newer ones. So, i really want you too read the one on Zion's Abode and criticize that too, whenever you have time.

Mon, January 10th, 2011 1:05pm