Zion's Abode, the place where God's gather

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Six crazy guys built a house, gave it a name and then had a blast.This is the story about that celestial house and its inhabitants.

Submitted: January 04, 2011

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Submitted: January 04, 2011

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Zion’s Abode
The place where gods gather
A title as this would probably invite curiosity from priests and other religious fraternities alike. But sometimes, words deceive. Zion’s Abode is no secret conclave, nor is it a place of worship of a newly found religion; rather, it is the name that 6 guys (the dwellers along with two of their friends) christened their conventional single bedroom house with.
What makes this place worthy of such a name and who are these ZIONs? Let’s make a visit to this so called ‘place where God’s gather’ and find it out for ourselves. Being a close associate of the Zion’s, I guess I would be the best person to guide you guys through this Tour-de-Zion’s Abode.
An 8 minute walk from Sanpada railway station, Zion’s Abode resides in one of the sought after locations of Navi Mumbai. This walk (following the right directions) would bring you to an apartment watched over by security guards clad in crap colored uniforms. That is one bad color to have your uniform stitched in. Incidentally, these are the new uniforms that the guards received a few days back. I know they wouldn’t have complained about the color when they received it, ‘cause at that instant, all their emphasis would have been on the ‘NEW’ clothes that they would be wearing from then on. But, after a few days when the newness starts to fade, he would start looking into other attributes and that’s when he starts complaining like all of us always do. Just when the feeling of satisfaction starts to sulk in, man finds another reason to feel unsatisfied. In case you are one of those emotionally inclined philanthropic minds, thoughts like these may start hindering you. All you have to do at this point of time is, ignore them and walk straight in, ‘cause you are going to enter a place where satisfaction is guaranteed.
Since the builders were a little conscious about the health of their customers, they didn’t find the need to provide elevators. So, take the stairs (you don’t have another choice anyway) to the first floor and find a door with C104 written over it. The calling bell at Zion’s Abode like its inhabitants has a mind of its own. So if you want to go the formal way and ring it, please make sure you repeat it two to three times, ’cause it works only when it is in the mood. Or else you can always use the informal age old tradition of just banging on the door (for faster responses always do this). Soon after you have implemented your chosen method, Zion’s Abode opens its door for you.
In case you are one in the Zion circle you would be greeted at the door with melodiously orated abuses in your own mother tongue. Courteousness flows in the blood (along with liquor) of the Zion’s. Enter the abode and the aroma of cigarettes (an assortment of three brands) tingle your senses. Anyone could blab about the ill effects of smoking, but people don’t bother to look at the other side of the coin. But, these untraveled territories are the ones the Zions love to tread. The Zions follow a simple motto ‘We smoke because we care’. According to them, smoking is a service to the society; it is what they call the ‘Ultimate Sacrifice’. The rational people that they are, they also have reasons to defend their claim:
1.Cigarettes along with liquor (which is also sincerely pursued by the Zions) contribute a significant amount of money as tax to the exchequer.
2.The thousands of people working in the Cigarette factories would be rendered jobless if everyone stopped smoking.
3.Cigarette smoke helps in wading away mosquitoes which could cause diseases like malaria and dengue fever. Researches have found that these diseases cause a faster death than that caused by smoking.
4.Cigarette smoking may also lead to impotency which in turn would help in controlling the ever growing population which is currently the root cause of all problems.
Aren’t these facts quite convincing? I do think so.
Since we are now inside the Abode, let’s meet the Zions. The Zions are six totally different people from equally different backgrounds. The thread that sieves them together is that they all fall into the same psychic wavelength.
Walk into the hall and there we have our first Zion, Felix Koshy flaunting his Somalian physique. This epitome of eccentricity is blessed with the divine gift of getting high even without a peg of alcohol. Felix Zion is also the best dancer among the group, whilst his dance moves are restricted to just two steps. However, I think these are the only two universal steps of dance, which with slight adjustments can go along with any kind of music, soft, pop or hard rock. This non-stop entertainer is also the proud owner of the most efficient digestive system ever to be found in a human body (He can even digest diamonds in there). I came up with an equation that could explain this phenomenon better. Number of times Felix visits the lavatory = Number of times he eats + 3. The 3 on the right hand side of the equation denotes the three different states of mind of this Zion. One, when he is happy, two when he is sad and three when he is lazy and has got nothing to do. I wonder if Felix Koshy should rather be called Felix ‘Go-Shit’, for his untimely innumerable visits to the washroom.
Cut across to the kitchen, and you come cross the next Zion, Ubais Kadavath. One of the few ideal human beings to be born on earth, this Zion doesn’t smoke or drink (Obviously, condoning the few Kingfisher Strongs that he gulps down occasionally). Thanks to the other five Zions, Ubais is a strong contender for the ‘biggest passive smoker’ title. Few more years at Zions Abode and I’m sure he would be the undisputed winner. An angel who has been rendered the responsibility of keeping the other five devils under check, quoting one of the Zions, “Ubais is too good to be true”. Looking at him cooking away to glory, he gives off an image of an ideal husband who would love to cook for his wife and children (Provided he doesn’t die early due to passive smoking). Ubais and his beloved wife would sit on that kitchen slab and feed each other the respective dishes they have cooked. It sounds more like a romantic scene right out of a Maniratnam movie. So ladies out there, get hold of this guy fast, ‘cause in this era of Tiger woods and John Terry, exemplary personalities like him is a rare find.
After savoring delicacies prepared by Ubais, as we move on into the bedroom, Zion Tom greets us with his charming smile. Honestly speaking (which I rarely do), Tom is a guy with a big heart. To accommodate a heart as big as that you obviously need a big body, right?So guys, please get this right now. Its not McDonalds or Dominos that made him fat, it’s the prize that hehad to pay to gain possession of such a beautiful, kind, big (really big) heart. This may sound a bit contradictory to the above line (‘Big Heart’ one), but I am afraid it could well be the truth. If Ubais was to die of a disease caused due to passive smoking, then Tom would have the biggest hand (literally, obviously he does) in that crime. Because, this guy can smoke ‘non stop’. What makes his smoking all the more interesting is the way he does it. Everyone smokes a cigarette, but Tom, literally drinks it. He even gives out that slurping sound every time he drags a puff. Tom is also known to make terrific cocktails, which has provided fond memories for some of the Zions to cherish all their life. One of the Zions, after a peg of Tom’s latest cocktail, had to crawl all the way to the washroom, where he puked until he reached a point where he was puking out air. Another Zion, though didn’t crawl, stopped talking all of a sudden and fell flat on the floor, only to wake up when he gained his senses, the next morning. Terrific ‘cocktails’ indeed. Tom, though a seasoned drunkard never gives up his religion for his drinks, which makes the other Zions look up to him with a feeling of awe. But, even during his lent periods (he doesn’t drink during this period), he is always happy to get the other Zions drunk, and is the first person to organize a party. The Zions have never been able to figure out what he gains from this. If you ask me, there could only be two reasons (which completely contradict each other) for this outlandish behavior of his. Either he finds happiness in others happiness or he is a sadist. But since tipplers are rarely sadists, the former must be the truth. Cheers to the big Zion with the big heart.
Two Zions, we may not often come across in Zion’s Abode are Zion Vinod and Zion Swami. Though they do not stay at the Abode on a permanent basis, they have been very much instrumental in setting up this whole concept of ‘Zion’s Abode’.
Two completely different individuals, you sometimes wonder how they coexist. Nevertheless, one common aspect among them is that they both are orthodox Brahmins. Swami, who drinks, smokes, doesn’t remember the last time he went to a temple, lights a cigarette more often than an agarbathi and who considers egg as a vegetarian food would surely qualify. But Vinod actually beats him at this. He again drinks, smokes, eats all kinds of non-vegetarian food, haven’t touched an agarbathi in his life and doesn’t know how a temple looks like. On the first impression, Vinod would very well pass of as a callous, arrogant prick with an ‘I don’t care a damn’ attitude. But deep within, believe me, he is worse. Sometimes, a miscellany of emotions wriggle through him and due to his handicap of not knowing how to let them out, he usually finds himself emotionally bound; and on other times, his impartial care for all sorts of world issues exasperate him to the extent where he pens down a poem to vent it out. On the contrary, Swami has this innate talent of building up the emotional quotient in the atmosphere to such an extent that the next thing you want to do is to shoot yourself down with a shot gun. But, that’s what all the Zions love him for. If not for him, many a Zion party would have ended up dull and purblind. He’s the one who puts forth the questions to which the other Zions oblige with ‘out of the world’ answers, which if noted down would have solved a majority of the problems that the world faces today. Unfortunately these Q&A sessions usually take place when the Zions are in a drunken oblivion and hence fail to get inscribed. Swami too has his handicap. His handicap is an awry notion that has got engraved in his mind. The notion: to be loved the same way he loves others. Impossible is all you can say about it. But that’s were Zion’s Abode plays its part. At Zion’s Abode, over a few drinks of elixirs of life like vodka, whiskey and rum, handicaps transform into strengths, strengths into powers and when you feel that powers have transformed into superpowers, please realize that you are dead drunk.
Now, after this little peep show into the lives of the various Zions, you guys would very well agree with me that these weirdos when together can bring the house down. Yes they can, and how do they do it? Check this out:
  • Every major Zion’s Abode party starts off with an invitation which is circulated among the Zions and their friend circle who the Zions consider crazy enough to join in their madness. And, this is no ordinary invitation. It’s written on a predesigned format which bears the red and black Zion’s Abode logo.
  • Then there is the nerve racking planning and brainstorming sessions wherein they decide on the artillery for the night’s battle (The battle of the booze).
  • This fact may scare the living day light out of some, but this is very well the truth. These loonies even pen down poems for each other and recite them when they are high. It surely can’t get weirder than this.
  • Every party at Zion’s Abode involves a debate on topics of world importance. Only if they could recollect their thoughts the next day, they would have made impeccable world leaders. This state of booze induced amnesia lets them rack their heads over the same topics over and over again, at each an every party, without even a slight pinch of boredom. A bad memory is a booze given boon.
  • Want to hear something weirder? Zion’s Abode has its own set of rules which were drafted out in order to mould its members into disciplined creeps. Every Zion and other human species entering the Abode are mandated to abide by them.
Yes, I do very well know that you guys are eager to hear the rules. I would certainly not disappoint you. These rules are inspired by the rules of the Fight Club (A book and a Brad Pitt movie). They are as follows:
The Rules of Zion’s Abode
  1. The first rule of Zion’s Abode is that you don’t betray a member of Zion’s Abode. One of the ex-member’s, Mr. Kamal Sambhawami flouted this rule and was ousted from the Abode. Conferences and talks have been in progress in various bars across Navi Mumbai namely Heritage (Home away from home), South coast and Ambar to contemplate and retract the decision if possible. There has been no substantial outcome as yet, barring the increase in alcohol content in the blood stream of the Zions.
  2. The second rule of Zion’s Abode is that you don’t betray a member of Zion’s Abode. Yes it’s same as the first one. It has been reiterated to emphasize its importance and its dire consequences if contravened.
  3. The third rule of Zion’s Abode is that you don’t talk sense in Zion’s Abode.
  4. The fourth rule of Zion’s Abode is that, if it’s your first day in Zion’s Abode, then the drinks is on you.
  5. The fifth and the most important rule of Zion’s Abode is: Respect Ubais.
Certainly crazy and fun, isn’t it? But these days I’m a bit disheartened with the Zions. I feel that Zion’s Abode is loosing its shine. It does not seem to be what it was in the good old days. Especially after Vinod Zion’s departure, whose bizarre thoughts still echo in the abode, the very essence of Zion’s Abode has been missing. I have a humble request to the Zions. Please bring back those good old days, resurrect Zion’s Abode and let the madness play. You guys are Zions by heart and soul. The legacy of Zion’s Abode shouldn’t meet an abrupt end. Even after you guys perish to various alcohol and cigarette induced diseases and even after you are burned, buried or locked up in a coffin 6 feet under, people should look at that coffin, grave or the heap of cauterized bones and say: “You know what, that guy down there was a Zion.” Once a Zion always a Zion.
At this point of time after having been through the whole tour, a common question might be throbbing inside some of your heads. Where is the sixth Zion? Why haven’t I written anything about him? The simplest answer to this question is that I do not know much about him.Although he is my closest associate among the Zions, I have failed to comprehend him. I can only tell you that he is a guy with diverse thoughts and equally diverse hobbies. One of the latest hobbies that he has acquired is that of writing pages after pages of crap, and his latest write up is titled Zion’s Abode, the place where god’s gather.
P.S: During the course of this write up Zions Abode was shifted to a new location namely Moraj Residency. Anyways, Zion’s Abode was never something that was enclosed within concrete walls. It is an idea which once incepted becomes a part of you.


© Copyright 2020 Srikanth Narayan. All rights reserved.

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