Heather Staford was a 22 year old married stay at home mom. She fell into a depression when everything caught up to her and she realized that she had was completely
alone in the world aside from her husband of 4 years and her 2 girls. Trying to find herself was beginning to be hopeless with no help from the one person who was suppose to love cherish and honor
her for life. These where her last diary entries.
Dear Diary, Nov 21
I am having another one of those days where life just keeps throwing daggers and hitting me where it hurts the most. Just when I think I know what I want and I am offered my dream of becoming my own person again I hide and run back into the security of my marriage. I know it isn’t what I want but when I am about to get what I want back out and just pretend like I am fine and I am happy until the next argument turns into another ‘which one of us is going to walk out’. I feel stupid and childish for the things I think of doing in my head, things that I did as a teenager such as carving through my skin with needles or taking random pills just to see the effects they may have once mixed. Although my common sense now tells me how utterly selfish I would be to actually do those things now since I also have 2 little angels in my life to care for , I can’t help but think about how much of a release of my pain it would be. Perhaps starting my life off before I even had a chance at finishing high school or my teenage year is just now catching up to me . I am reminded my conscience on a daily basis how stupid I was to not take my parents warning seriously. “When you get older you will look back and wish you had of had more teenage experience’s” Oops kids are up gatta run. Please God, if you really are there please help me through this day.
Dear Diary, Dec 7
Looks like I will be spending this month making everyone else happy yet again. I love my kids and would anything to make them happy but I don’t know if my sanity can handle my in laws. I only ever hear how I could do some much better taking care of my family. I have tried so many time in the last few years to tell my husband how worn down and weak I am emotionally but all I hear is things will get better or yeah yeah your not the only one. I was taking medications for a while that seemed to help but when things got tight it was the first thing to get cut. He didn’t want me on them anyways.. He always said “they aren’t worth it they are just drugs to fuck you up” Shit, he’s home later.
Dear Diary,Dec 21
OMG I think I am going to lose it. I know I was a horrible rotten teenager and I know I’m not the best person in the world now but why does life keep throwing me to the sharks?? I should be locked away in a padded room right now away from everyone. I tried to end it all this morning but when I took the last few pills I saw my babies faces in my mind crying for me.. What the hell am I thinking trying to make the holiday into something that would haunt them the rest of their lives. I ended up sticking my fingers down my throat and getting them out of me. I can’t believe how stupid I am Oh great I hear the in laws arriving.. I am in for a glorious 2 weeks.
Dear Diary, Jan 2
Wow.. I never thought I would survive the 2 weeks and I feel mentally emotionally and physically drained. When I told my husband how I felt today all I heard was “do you not think its hard on me to?” I know it’s not easy for him to deal with everything plus have a mental nut for a wife but I can’t do this alone. I’ve often asked him about how he’s feeling since I’m not the only one going through this as he so coldly reminds me when I reach for help from him. He simply replies “I want to tell you but it’s not that simple.” What am I not smart enough? Does he think I am not living through hell every second of every day myself? He doesn’t like when I get to descriptive into my feelings so instead he turns it around to make me feel like I should be consoling him, helping him to cope with life. I don’t know what to do anymore. Better run and get supper ready before get walks through the door.
Dear Diary, Jan 3
I don’t know if I can take it anymore. What am I going to do? He just doesn’t want to help me and I can’t manage by myself. What if I talked to my doctor.. Would he want to take my kids away from me? Surly he would just put me in a mental hospital. What’s wrong with me why can’t I just be happy. I miss all my passions I use to have all my hobbies. They were much but they were what kept me happy. What about my girls? I am such a horrible mother. They deserve better. What am I doing to them. I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL!!! I need to do something I can’t live like this anymore.
Dear Diary, Feb 10
I made it through 3 weeks of being the ‘perfect wife’ and managed to get some things figured out. I have left a will and decided that my kids will be better off in the care of my childhood best friend. I spoke with her and her husband and they are willing to step in and care for my girls if anything should ever happen. I can’t deal with this anymore so I have decided if I am going down I will take the bastard with me. I hope and pray that in time my angels will not hate me for this but I know that is asking way to much. I’ve always read stories where a wife goes completely insane and kills her family and herself but I couldn’t bare the thought of hurting my angels. Last week I made the final arraignments and am prepared to fallow through tonight. My only best friend whom I love more then anything has taken my girls overnight and I have set an envelop with every cent of our savings in the suit case with a note. When he walks in tonight I will be the most loving person to him. Then I will show him just how much I love him.
Dear Diary, Feb 10 later
I did it. He’s gone. I stabbed him. I will be free as well. I love my children more then anything and I wish them the best in life. The knife feels so cold against my wrists and the blood is starting to poor... I feel peace coming for me and a light with a cloud of darkness... my eyes are falling heavy and I’m so tired. I can’t stay awake any longe.r.....................................
© Copyright 2016 stacey. All rights reserved.