Arguments against a holiday

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A husband recalls his embarrassing turn of events on his first holiday abroad with the wife.

Submitted: May 06, 2011

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Submitted: May 06, 2011

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Arguments against a holiday.

I should have known the holiday was going to be a disaster when the wife came along!
The unmarried marriage counselor informed us, nay had the nerve to tell us we were having problems because we didn't spend enough time together alone.
Alone! I thought the last time we were properly alone together was 28 years and 4 smaller dress sizes ago. And even then I’m sure her father and his shotgun were just outside the door.
So I agreed, well at least I would be away from our kids I thought.

The holiday didn't start well when the pre ordered taxi never came, and so the knock on effect was that we would be late getting to the airport. We joined the back of a very long check-in queue. Over an hour later we were last to check-in and the lady behind the desk told us that due to the flight being full we wouldn't be sitting together! 
Things were looking up!!

My god the prices in the airport were scandalous £1.20 change from a tenner for two cheese and tomato butties and don't get me started on the price of a pint!
The plane was delayed need I say anymore. In fact ours was the only plane delay. What a sight to behold as you look at the big green information screen and see of the thirty odd planes going to and fro around the world and ours was the only one delayed. Typical.
I don't want to complain but you have to queue for everything at the airport. Queue for the toilet, queue for a drink, queue to join the queue that leads to somewhere. With us never going away before I didn't know they frisked you for weapons, so it was all quite a surprise to have a man run his hands all over my body. It was a sensation alien to me but not all that unpleasant considering it was a man doing the search.

We may not have been sitting together on the plane but I could still hear her.  "Harold" "HAROLD" she would shout down the aisle "give me some money so I can get a drink of cider"
You know it’s hard to sink into a small airline seat when embarrassed but I gave it a bloody good go.

Another queue greeted us when we landed the queue for passport control and even then I was not sure we were going to get through as the guard scrutinized my passport photo and then pointed to the wife's passport and asked if she had had all her shots!
Cheeky buggers! couldn't help but snicker to myself later though.
Thank god that nice airport man found our luggage apparently thieves had broken into them but not liking polyester clothes just discarded the bag, said the nice man.

Blimey it’s hot!  You know those big sweat stains you get under your arms that seep into your shirt? Well the wife has them! And she's wearing a dress. Don’t ask!!

Sweating cobs now just walked up 3 flights of stairs with our luggage coz the lift is out of order. But we found our room quickly and found it’s filled with furniture from MFI. But at least the beds are singles and there bolted to the floor so no pushing them together.
Its amazing its is 1am in the morning pitch dark and the heat is still unbearable.
I can't see anything out of the balcony but at least it’s quiet.
We went to bed and drop off like a light.

6am that's right 6am the noise started I went out on to the balcony for the first time to see what I vividly remember in the brochure as saying was a blissful view.
A piss up view more like there I was up at the crack of dawn with the crack of three construction workers butt cheeks in view. Not happy at all then the wife woke up...

The wife still with her sleepy head on croaked out “what’s that noise?"  Without thinking I blurted out "Workmen! There’s a bloody building site outside our window". I knew as soon as I'd said it that I'd put my foot in it.
Her eyes pinged open she tossed back the single white sheet covering her and leaped out of bed. With a look of thunder on her face she stormed past me as I decided to hide behind the curtain. The next few moments were a blur. The wife was leaning over the glass veranda of our balcony swearing and shaking her fists at the workmen to keep the "Fucking noise down".
I was watching the workmen who were unshaken with the wife's shouts and were gesturing towards her with cupped hands in front of there chests.
The wife in her rage had stepped out on to the balcony naked!
Now the wife is top heavy in fact there so big each breast has its own gravitational pull. You know like planets!! 
It was fortunate that the workmen who were maybe to far away to notice that the lower half of the wife's body was on show as well. Owing to the wife not shaving any part of her lower body since puberty. This gave her the appearance that she was wearing a pair of brown woollen track suit bottoms. The first I new of this was twenty odd years ago when on a rare night passion I caressed her legs. Only to find out it was like stroking a German shepherd.
After a loud shriek the wife ran back inside and put some clothes on.

The wife had calmed down enough so that we could go to the welcome meeting at 9am where they tried to sell us trips all over the place. I mean I’d just spent the better part of a day getting here why the bloody hell would I want to think about traveling to somewhere else on our first day.

The wife went back to our room to crowbar herself into her swimming costume, costume being the appropriate word here. While I went for a paper and to get my bearings. A pint or three later I returned to find the wife trying to get lotion on her back by using a wooden spoon from the kitchen. I gave her a hand and put the spoon in the bin.

After a hell of a time trying to find a supermarket we came across one called Tesco’s obviously it wasn't a proper Tesco as the fella behind the counter wouldn't pass a health and safety inspection. The food on the shelf was funny as well. The stuff we recognized cost a bomb and the local produce just looked wrong. We got some bread called Bimbo, some margarine call Fanny and a cheese I reckon that could be reused as shoe leather.
Got some beer so all is well.

Next incident came when after an afternoon of sunbathing by the pool the wife seemed to be turning pink she refused to go in so I suggested covering her with a towel. She agreed so I covered her head and body and told her to listen to her music or maybe try getting some sleep, "I’ll watch over you while you do "I said.
The pool area was busy with kids jumping in and out of the water and just generally playing. I then notice this little girl standing next to the wife and she was pointing at her.
Strange I thought "Hello" I said she replied " Guten tag"  then said " Darf ich schlag dein hund " German I thought no idea what she was asking and then repeat the sentence to me and continued pointing at the wife. What I guess was the girl’s mother was near by and came to collect her "Heidi komet" she told the girl. I said to the mother do you speak English? ya err yes was the reply.
"What was the girl saying" I asked her mother.
"She asked if she could stroke your dog" and gestured towards the wife. Luckily the wife was a sleep!

I have to admit we may only be a few days into our holiday. But I do seem to be enjoying it. You know any worries you may have back home don’t seem to matter out here. The wife and I have got into a nice routine sunbathing, eating, and drinking. We even appear to be getting on much better I suppose if you take away work the bills the kids the neighbors the TV the weather and your families you’re just left with well each other. Oh my god what a frightening thought! 
Anyway as long as the wife gets to play bingo of an evening she rarely wants anything else. So yes am quite enjoying my time here even the heat doesn't seem too bad anymore.

Today we had booked a trip to the water park. Daft isn't it you spend an hour on a hot stuffy coach. Then spend half an hour in a queue to get in the place, and then you queue to get a locker and all this just to get wet. Which you could have done back at the hotel pool. Fair enough they have slides put two or three times down them and either the thrill has gone or you’re knackered. And don’t get me started on the prices once you’re inside the park.
They have you trapped and whoa be tide if you have forgot anything.
Like your inflatable shaped killer whale which we did.
The park itself was alive with activity and was very crowded.
The wife was floating on her whale oblivious to her surroundings but not going unnoticed to a group of young lads who’d sing the theme to Jaws every time she drifted by them.

I confronted the lads with what was my first and most likely last attempt to defend the wife’s honor. What was I thinking?
After landing in the kiddies’ paddling pool I decided to stay there for a while until the lads had gone. Oh and the pounding in my head had gone too. The wife on her whale listening to Celine Dion still oblivious to the incident. And continued to be a source of amusement for the lads who I later found out were coppers on holiday from the UK.

Just come back from the chemist. I've been scratching like mad for the last couple of days got red spots in a variety of uncomfortable places.
Bloody mosquitoes have been using my arse like a dart board. Funny the wife hasn't been touched even with all that body to have a go at.
Wonder if you need blood in your veins for them to want you.

My life took a turn for the worse last night.
It all started in the evening we were having a meal in fact it was a Chinese buffet and I was on my second helping of egg fried rice and the wife was sucking the meat of her third plate of BBQ ribs. This was no shock to me as I’d seen her put rib bones in her mouth before only to remove the bones clean of meat. It did how ever catch the attention of the couple on the next table. The fella said he’d only ever seen something like that done in films and asked the wife if she was an actress. At first I thought he was blind, drunk, and taking the piss and was about to get all oriental on his ass.
But the wife must have been flattered by what he’d said. And struck up a conversation with them. The wife was mellowing I thought!
Turns out this Matt and Zoë couple were staying in the same hotel as us and in fact came here ever year for the swingers’ convention. I had no idea that swing was still going let alone still attracting a young crowd. What a lovely couple they were we left the Chinky and they took us to a bar they knew. And we had lots to drink I never put my hand if my pocket once they insisted on looking after us. After a while and a few more drinks they ask us if we would like to join them as they had a party to go to.
We were tempted to go back with them but I knew the wife was more into ballroom and so declined. Beside anyway it was a themed party and well it seemed we maybe over our heads as the theme was funnel and hose pipe and I felt that we were way out of touch with the lingo and with all these modern moves and didn't fancy embarrassing ourselves. They were disappointed not to have some new flesh as they put it.
So they gave us there room number if we changed our minds and left for the night.

The wife and I a little tipsy I admit had a moonlit walk on the beach I even held her hand, purely to steady her of course. And so we strolled back to out hotel had another drink in the hotel bar enjoyed the disco they had put on and eventually went to our room. I was bursting for a slash by this point and as soon as the door opened, dashed into the loo. 10 minutes and 5 litres later I’d finished and removed most of my clothes except the gear I would be sleeping in. This being my underpants and socks and emerged from the bathroom to notice the apartment was still in dimly lit darkness. Must be asleep I thought as I emerged from the hallway into the sleeping area. But through the darkness I could see the wife was sitting up in bed naked! If her intentions weren't clear they were when I noticed that somehow she’d managed to push the bolted to the floor beds together, I could also smell the aroma of her perfume aptly named Black Widow in the air.
 
My first thought, was dive out the window!
Now don’t get me wrong I do love the wife especially when she is in the next room and I can’t hear her.
It was just that each time we’d had sex she had got pregnant. And dear god I didn't want anymore kids.
Besides the wife was never usually up for sex not to mention all the other pleasures we could be doing to each others bodies, like oral sex.
In fact her idea of oral sex was to sit me down and talk me out of it.
But you know funny things happen to you when your on holiday and in those few brief seconds I had been looking at her somehow half a thick’en had grown and was showing through my pants.
Who knows what the factor was, it could be the heat or the drink maybe it was the way light from the building site glistened on her leg hair. I don’t know but I joined her on the bed and kissed her.
From this position I could see the smoldering look of desire in her eyes and what I could only presume was lust. 
What followed next was a lot of sweating, groaning and grunting I used my left hand, I used my right hand, I even used my mouth but still couldn't get the condom open.
The wife with a growl in her voice said "there was no need for that now, show me the badger!" "What?" "SHOW ME THE BADGER" she repeated with a little more intensity.
Long ago my pubic hairs had started to turn grey like the ones on my head. And the wife had likened the look of my todger and surrounding area to a badgers head.
It’s at moments like these when to much drink and a pair of really large breast in your face really affect your judgment. I said "fuck it" and that’s what I did.

I awoke the next morning with a hangover a dry mouth and carpet burns around my waist from the wife legs. The wife wasn’t next to me but I could hear the shower.
I lay there with my hands behind my head thinking about last night.
I was magnificent! I never knew I was so good, everything went so well I didn’t put a foot wrong, in fact I could have put my foot in at one point and she wouldn’t have cared.
What a night the warmth of our physical self’s, the taste of her skin, the sensual pleasure of our bodies moving in time to the beat of Agadoo vibrating from the disco downstairs;
It was just out of this world.
As I continued to think more about last night the more my mood began to change. Slowly but surely I convinced myself that the wife had manipulated last nights events to take advantage of my body.
Could women be that deceitful and calculating to get what they wanted? No surely not.
By the time the wife had exited the bathroom I was convinced.
The wife must have been think the same in the shower and said I’d taken advantage of her to perform rude and degrading acts upon her body. Ha just making love to the wife sober was a degrading act and banned by the EU. After standing there with my mouth open gob smacked for a minute or two I decided it wasn’t worth arguing about because I’d win any row we had right up to the point were she’d punch me. So feeling used and unclean had a shower with a Brillo pad.

Last day today thank god!
Had to do some shopping today why oh why do we leave it till the last day. Because you end up looking at different version of the same crap in different shops. "Shall we get that paper weight for your mother?" the wife asks me. Why the bloody hell would she want a paper weight!  Me mum has gone sixty three years without one and survived I’m sure it won’t complete her life to get one now. Of course you get as much booze and cigs as your able but this buying bits for every flaming person who could be related to you. And of course there are the neighbors who looked after your goldfish who died the first week you were away, but you get them something for looking after your tank of water for two weeks. "I don’t know what to get my sister?" says the wife "how about a job" I said. The only job the wife’s sister has ever had is a boob job. And as for her boyfriend what a lazy bastard he is. He’s been on the dole so long he has his own filing cabinet. The pair of them are that tight they’d pinch a dead fly of a blind spider.
So I got them a paper weight each.

What a miserable flight home even the pilot sounded pissed off. I think your at your lowest point when walking through the airport having just got off the plane. No I’m wrong it’s getting home and finding 4 kids screaming the house down upon arrival.
And those are few reasons why I’m filing for separation your Honour. Add to that the wife has told me she is pregnant so I request also deportation to a none extradition country as well.

End.


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