The Mended Help The Broken

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Basically just an inspirational poem about a broken heart, and someone else trying to help fix it. Very raw and emotional.

Please comment with your thoughts!

The flash of a lens,

The glint of your eyes.

The tears are a godsend,

Compared to what you feel inside.

Your heart is broken,

Your spirit lies in pieces,

There are so many things unspoken,

The pain of it never ceases.

Exhausted from thinking,

Afraid to admit that you feel.

Slowly yet surely your fire is shrinking,

At the same time everything and nothing feels real.

Passion struggles inside of you,

Anger and sorrow burst within.

Yet you hold them back to make it through,

It’s all under that china doll skin.

You keep your walls up and your spirit down,

Too weak for smiles, too strong for help.

So you struggle through without a sound,

When inside you melt.

You don’t have to stand alone,

You don’t have to do it by yourself.

You’re walking into a whole world of unknown,

Everyone’s been there himself.

We’ll all go hand in hand,

And your hurt will slowly pass away,

Your shredded heart will mend strand by strand,

It might not happen tomorrow, or today,

But eventually you can be,

That happy person buried so deep inside.

And then you will hold the golden key,

To everything in this life.

And it may seem totally bizarre

,And you might never agree,

But not so long ago that hurt person that you are,

Was me.


Submitted: July 15, 2007

© Copyright 2021 Stephanie Noel. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:

Comments

EdwardJBradleySr

Stephanie Noel:

Gave this a "5". To boost it's visibility, in the rankings, so that it may be read by others. Good attempt and use of rhyming. Though there are many good poems which do not make use of rhyming, it always seems to be important to me. So! In this important respect, you have done a really good job.

Terrific choice of topic and message. Perspective is just unusual enough that many readers of this will find it to be self-revealing and/or revelatory. Many don't realize just how universal or widely shared are their own feelings. Happy, depressing and/or triumphant! Sometimes: All at the same time. In a personal as well as in a spiritual way.

Rhythm and pacing seems highly variable through-out. This distracts and detracts from the presentation and enjoyment, I think, as well. Rhythm and pacing, in a poem, is about each line having the same number of syllables(+/- 1 or 2 syllables). Between verses, this guideline is not nearly as important. On some lines eliminating starting words like "and" and "the" would help. As would verbs the reader should understand as being strongly implied or obvious to the mind of the reader. There are many who will not agree with this.

For a poem to called such, seems to me, it must rely heavily on rhyme or rhythm. Or both. Otherwise it is a highly structured or stylized narrative lacking in the entrancing quality or "spark" of poetry. The key idea or thought may be there and easy to see. But! "It is poetry which inspires the soul." Or so someone may have said. Sometime! In the past.

With respect to a critique, my best way to show what I mean may be to show my edits, line by line, when there are any. This is something I am reluctant to do as it means my rewriting what is your poem. And some people would be sensitive to this as it seems to be too personal. To them. Though no offense is intended. For me, it is just an exercise to illustrate a few points. Nothing more. (My suggestions will be in parentheses ().)

The flash of a lens, (Flash of a lens,)

The glint of your eyes. (Glint of your eyes.)

The tears are a godsend,(Tears are your Godsend,)

Compared to what you feel inside.(To that felt inside.)



Your heart is broken,

Your spirit lies in pieces, (Spirit in pieces,)

There are so many things unspoken, (So much unspoken,)

The pain of it never ceases. (Pain! Never ceases.)



Exhausted from thinking, (Exhausted from thought,)

Afraid to admit that you feel. (Fear of shared feeling.)

Slowly yet surely your fire is shrinking,
(Your inner fire frought,)
(Shrinking and reeling.)
______________________________________________________
At the same time everything and nothing feels real.
(This line and the thought it contains needs it's own separate verse devoted to it. Or not.)
(All and nought feels real.....) suggested 1st line.
______________________________________________________


Passion struggles inside of you, (Passion's anger and

Anger and sorrow burst within.(pain. Burst! From within.)

Hold them back to make it through,(Held back to make calm,)

It’s all under that china doll skin.('Neath china doll skin.)
______________________________________________________


You keep your walls up and your spirit down,
Too weak for smiles, too strong for help.
So you struggle through without a sound,
When inside you melt.

Seems to me this verse benefits from a different treatment. From the verses preceding it.

(Strength brings no smiles, nor any help.)
(No one can see your insides melt.)

(Walls you have built, keep your spirit/s down,)
(Your struggle makes no outer sound.) or
(You do not make audible sound.)
______________________________________________________

Same treatment as previous verse.

You don’t have to stand alone,
You don’t have to do it by yourself.
You’re walking into a whole world of unknown,
Everyone’s been there himself.

(All know the time, spent on-the-shelf.)
(Don't try to do it. All by yourself.)

(No need, for you, to stand alone.)
(On your 1st walk, into th'unknown.)
______________________________________________________

We’ll all go hand in hand, (All go hand in hand.)

And your hurt will slowly pass away, (Pain/Hurt will go away.)

Your shredded heart will mend strand by strand,
(Hearts mend by the strand.)
It might not happen tomorrow, or today,
(Not soon! Or today!)
______________________________________________________


But eventually you can be,
(Soon! You too will be.)
That happy person buried so deep inside.
(Free! Of all your strife.)
And then you will hold the golden key,
(With the golden key,)
To everything in this life.
(To all good in life.)
______________________________________________________

And it may seem totally bizarre
(Strange and bizarre!)
And you might never agree,
(You may agree)
But not so long ago that hurt person that you are,
(The one you are.)
Was me.
(Once too! Was me.)
______________________________________________________

Hope this helps. Always remember! It is your poem and not mine. Or anyone elses, for that matter. Anyone can think what they like. So what! Just my own thoughts on the topic.


Happy trails,

Ed Bradley.
_______________________________________________________

Mon, July 16th, 2007 7:15am

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