depression

I stare into a black hole. Like a hypnosis spiral. My eyes are transfixed I cannot look away. I can only see things with my peripheral vision. Colorful hazy objects that can just be recognized right before the black hole devours it. My eyes stare into the nothingness. Into the spiral of emotions. Pain, Stress, Anxiety, worthlessness, Uncertainty, Anger, Loneliness, Irritability, Aching, Fatigue, Dispassionate, Self Hate. The world around me cannot escape the blackness. The hole devours everything. Some days it sucks things in slowly. Drawing out the pain and anguish. And on some days it sucks it in so fast. You start to lose the slim weak grip you have anchoring you down. Violent, Brutal, Sadistic thoughts start to swirl outta control. This is the scariest part. For when you lose your anchor. You start getting thrust into the darkness faster. When in the darkness you don’t know up from down. You don’t know near from far. Its utter confusion. You don’t last long in the darkness. The only thing you know in the darkness. Is to end the darkness. Anyway you can. The Darkness is a very dangerous place. You fling out your arms. Flailing them around in a hopeless effort to grasp something. Finger holds slip from your grasp. Like mirages. You see the black hole getting closer and you start to panic even more. Like drowning the more you panic the faster you drown. Few people offer up their hands pleading with you to grab on. And yet you don’t want them to get sucked into the darkness. You shouldn’t drag anyone down with you. So you turn a blind eye to their aid. Are you even worth saving. Should you just let the darkness overtake you. How does one pull away from the black hole. How does one start to feel normal. How can one conquer the darkness. One must conquer himself before he can conquer anything. How does one get the courage. How does one get the strength. Will the black hole devour me. Will the darkness close in and engulf me. Will the world be better off without me. Will life get better once it’s over. Will I give in. will I allow myself to be so selfish. To be so cowardly. Will I let myself disappear into the nothingness that I fear. Will I be able to stand my ground ever again. Do I want to save myself. Am I worth it to myself. Will I force myself to grow. Will I allow Happiness in again.


Submitted: December 03, 2010

© Copyright 2022 Stephie Ann Gardner. All rights reserved.

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Stormbird Throneshaker

Going through life alone and lonely is a drain on the soul. It's when another hand of someone that loves you takes your hand and sends that spark to your heart that recharges your soul and you each become the life and light of the other in the darkness of the future.

Fri, May 4th, 2012 11:30pm

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very true... however i didn't wanna bring anyone else down with my problems and insecurity... knowing very well that if they were in my place i would want them to lean on me...

Mon, May 7th, 2012 1:01pm

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