My Torturous Thoughts

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Depression

The heater bellows out a roar as it comes to life settling into a steady hum. I lay there awake staring at the ceiling. My eyes unfocused from the dark and nearsightedness. My head is spinning. My thoughts like liquid flowing in and out filling every crevice. My thoughts have consumed me. Have taken over my day and my night. Have taken my laughter. I sit in the corner of my mind while the tornado of thoughts and emotions swirl ripping crushing and wreaking havoc. Somehow amongst the chaos I restlessly drift asleep. Only to wake with an emotional hang over. eyes like dry sandpaper. head pounding as slowly all the thoughts start to come back into focus. stomach feeling like I’ve been on a eighty day fast. Burning and sharp pinching pains. my body drives on auto pilot as the thoughts again consume me thro the daily habitual routine that is my morning. I arrive at work on auto pilot as well only realizing I was there after pulling into the parking lot. I sit in the car in the early morning silence. I close my eyes taking slow deep breaths. I start to shove at the relentless thoughts. Harder and harder I shove till I push them all to the back of my head. I take one last exhausted breath and open my eyes more aware of the day. At work I press on I push my feet to move and I force my fingers to work. Every so often those thoughts would break free and I’d have to drive them back again. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I feel so heavy. So worn down. So old. I wanna laugh again. I wanna be happy again. I wanna be Me. My body feels like I’ve been beat down and curb checked. With every slightest move it screams in protest. The day drags on like wet leather wrapped around my head drying in the sun. I get a strange relief when it comes to the end of the work day. The relief in that I don’t have to try and force the thoughts to behave. I travel home in the same manner as I arrived. Not noticing what is going on around me till I reach my destination. Back home I succumb to the battle raging in my head. I sit at the edge of the bed. Staring vacantly at the floor in front of me. At home I let emotions take control and my body is racked with sobs and angry yelling. How did this get so outta hand. So outta my control. I feel the depression hitting harder. It has been creeping in for months. And I’ve kept it at bay. But now alone. Weak. Exposed. Weary. It crashes down upon me. Consuming every last bit that was left sane. I curl into a ball on the bed. Feeling if I make myself small enough I can finally just disappear. In the fetal position I let my emotions drain the last once of energy. I fall into a deep depression comma. Only to awake feeling vacant. Feeling lifeless. When will I be rid of these torturous thoughts and emotions. When will I finally give up. Is there a shining silver lining. Not from where I stand right now. And yet perhaps it is there and I am just not focusing enough to see it. I get angry. I get sad. I yell at myself asking what’s wrong with you. And it repeats. Again and again. Numbness starts to set in. all I start to feel is my swollen tear pooled eyes, tingling in my fingertips moving up my hands. My vice grip fists finally relinquished. A hole in my stomach. And a hollowness in my heart.


Submitted: December 03, 2010

© Copyright 2022 Stephie Ann Gardner. All rights reserved.

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Stormbird Throneshaker

A ran down heart needing a recharge of love and care.

Fri, May 4th, 2012 11:20pm

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Yes very much so

Fri, May 4th, 2012 4:27pm

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