Essay by: Steve Balsky
The Shape Haters
Bigotry is no laughing matter.
Friends, a new form of scum has seeped through the sewer of life. Shape Haters.
This reporter has discovered irrefutable evidence that a shocking new sect of narrow-minded radical bigotryhas formed who refuse to accept individuals who do not fit their standard of being between 5’4” and 5’7” and completely round.
“We have no time or interest to cavort with pear-shaped or Chapstick-shaped tall, thin individuals! Those with square-heads are nothing to us! None of these people meet our geometrical standards!” proclaims the Grande Globe of Circular Concave Clan or the C.C.C. as they are commonly referred to.
The Grande Globe continues, “The world is round! Think of all the elements God has created in life in that shape: Sweet n’ sour chicken balls, juicy melons, baseballs (our national pastime, I might add) and heck, even our planet itself! The World is Round…not any other shape!”
Powerful words, indeed. This reporter was able to witness live burnings of Lego pieces in public parks for all to see symbolizing their hatred for all shapes. Exclusive footage is available on this network’s website.
Disturbing footage is also available to show members of the C.C.C. wearing diving helmets to conceal their features from the public eye as they proudly display flags and banners reading, “Round is Right. Spherical is Special!"
Regrettably, it appears as though more and more citizens are falling under their influence. The price per pound of doughnuts has inflated to reflect the new-found interest in those the wish to “round-up” to their standards that can only be measured by electronically calibrated protractors (available at your local Dollar Store).
It is almost enough to cause one to stop themselves and ask, “What shape…am I?”
© Copyright 2017 Steve Balsky. All rights reserved.