The Crazy Cat Man Who Nobody Paticularly Liked

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Have you ever, in your entire life, heard of a crazy cat man? This neighborhood has, and they're dying to get rid of him...

Submitted: May 24, 2009

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Submitted: May 24, 2009

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There were seventeen cats living in Larry’s basement. Larry was quite aware of their presence, which made things worse. It’s one thing to be fond of cats, but after awhile people stop returning your calls and start looking at you funny when you’re lugging an economy sized bag of cat food up the stairs and onto your porch which just so happens to be ridiculously far up, giving people plenty of time to stare while you struggle.

No one ever really offers to help you either, which is unfortunate.

They were all the same, Larry decided. No one really cared; they just thought it was amusing that a grown man would care for seventeen cats. And the fact that he was doing it willingly didn't help mattters either. For everybody who stared at Larry, it was better than TV in their poor, ten channel neighborhood.

The guy was definitely skating on thin ice. No one really liked him in the first place, but when two of the stupid, mangy cats had escaped and were biting you, and when he would come running down the street yelling, “SNOWBAAALLL! LEEEEOOOO!”, it got more than a little aggravating.

The neighborhood decided that something definitely needed to be done. The neighborhood was small and teetering on the edge of existence, but they’d be damned if they had some freak hanging around, possibly scaring children, and even some sensitive adults.

Irene was chosen to take care of this problem. In small towns, there’s always the “town ____”. The town bully, the town freak, the town leper…

Irene was the town slut. And really, you wouldn’t even be exaggerating to say so. She had slept with everybody at least once, (which really wasn’t that a great of a feat, since you must remember that the town was very small), and she had no regrets. Irene was the proud town slut, and she was chosen to take care of this Larry problem.

You see, the plan was that since Larry was single, and most likely desperate, Irene would convince him to move out of town with her, and at the last minute, break up with him. You have to give the neighborhood some credit for this ridiculous plan they concocted. They’ve only got ten channels, remember? All they ever see are daytime dramas and soap operas.

So Irene tried to get close to the guy. Really, the poor girl was a straight up trooper. She deserved a medal. Out of all of Larry's seventeen cats, only one permitted other humans in the house. The rest were all over her, clawing, biting; screaming with their little cat vocal cords. By the end of the hour, she was covered in band aids. But Larry seemed to like her enough, so, Irene decided, the plan was going pretty darn well--

"Oh my God!” She screeched, almost giving Larry a heart attack.

“Your socks!" Irene continued. "They've got holes in them!"

Now, to get a name like the town slut, you’ve got to be pretty loose, but if there was one thing that Irene absolutely could not stand, it was people who had holey socks. She stormed out, and gossiped with the rest of the town. Not only was he a cat freak, but his socks were holey. Great.

Larry started wearing a disguise whenever he left the house. Pathetic, eh? It consisted of a fake mustache. And everybody knew it was him. The mustache made him look different, but after staring at him for over five years, the neighborhood could tell.

The neighborhood was stumped. What the hell were they supposed to do now?

The next day, Larry died. It turned out that the guy had been allergic to cats the whole time.

What a way to go. Well, the neighborhood was happy, and they were basically freak free.

But then they realized something. If Larry was dead, what were all those seventeen cats going to do?

That’s right. They’ll get run over, they’ll try to live with you, they’ll molest your children and steal your breath at night, that’s what they’ll do.

So now, that the neighborhood is done with their Larry problem, go pay them a visit. They really need help with this cat problem.

And be sure to stay away from the town leper!


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