So.. I've had plenty of time to sit and reflect on life. My head in my hands, thinking of all that could have been and all that has been. I've thought of all the things that will never be... no matter how bad I want them. I think at this point in my life I've given up on any dreams that I once envisioned. It seems to me that setting goals is a waste of time and effort. Call me pessimistic, but I have this soul shaking feeling deep in my stomach that any goals that I do set and accomplish will be all for nothing. As soon as my life makes a turn for the better, things always tend to shatter. This is something that I've come to accept, as it has happened time and again. I guess good things are just not in my fate. I've never really had anything good in my life, and when I did it was all too short lived. Ever since early on it seems that I was meant to struggle through this life. My earliest memories are those of heartbreak, fear, anger. No cuddly pets, or quality family time for me. My mother, the chemically imbalanced and suicidal depressive. Constantly looking for a way out, whether she had to take us out with her or not. There were several times, that i remember, that my mother tried to kill herself along with my brothers and me. When I was 5 years old my mom tried to kill herself and was placed into a mental hospital. She has been there ever since. I don't even think she wants to be free anymore. Every time they let her out she tries to do the same thing she used to. Turn the gas on, bust the pipe and pick up the phone to sit and cry to the suicide hot line while she waits for the house to go up in flames. I've thought many times how my life might be different if she were there for me, if I had someone to guide me, comfort me, maybe even someone to control my dad. But these are all just fantasies and fit into the category of things that will never be. I barely even know my mother. The few memories that I have of her, while tender and comforting, are now meaningless. My mother being institutionalized was probably the worst thing that could have happened in my life. She basically abandoned me with my psychotic father.
to be continued.
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