Just Think About It Doc

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Westerns  |  House: Booksie Classic

Doc Adams and Deputy Festus Haggen are in a discussion over a dictionary.

Doc Adams sat at a table with Deputy Festus Haggen, in the Long Branch Saloon. Doc was going through a dictionary, trying to look up a word.

"Whatcha readin' thar, Doc?" Festus asked, before taking a swig on his glass of beer.

"Well Festus, I'm not actually reading anything." he answered, as he looked up at the deputy. "I'm trying to look up---

"Well Doc, iffin you ain't a readin' that thar book, whatcha keep flippin' through the pages fer?" Festus said, as he slowly sat his beer down on the table.

"I'm flipping through the pages and trying to find a word, that's what I'm trying to---

"Why Doc, thars words rit down on ever page, iffin ya haven't noticed." he said, pointing to the dictionary that the doctor slammed shut.

"I know that, dang it Festus!" the doctor stormed. "Haven't you ever looked in a dictionary to look up a . . . never mind, you probably don't even know what a dictionary is."

"I shar do know whut one is Doc, I just never trusted one of 'em to be right." Festus said, as the docs eyes shot upwards.

"Never trusted a dictionary to be right, never trusted a---

"Just think about it Doc." Festus said, before he took another swig of his beer. "How do you know if the feller who rit down them thar words writ 'em right?"

Doc Adams mouth gaped opened wide and he was momentarily speechless as he rubbed his chin with his left hand.

"Well I've never . . . in my life . . . ever heard such a thing!" he stammered, as he gazed over at Miss Kitty who was standing behind the bar with Sam, trying awful hard, not to laugh.

"Why don't you see, Doc." Festus said, as sat his beer back down on the table. "The feller who writ them thar words could have writ them down all wrong, and you or I'd never know it."

"How do you figure that Festus?" the doctor asked, as he looked down at the dictionary, and then back up at Festus, not really wanting to know.

"Well, he writ the city slicker vershun Doc." Festus answered, and Miss Kitty dropped to the floor with tears in her eyes.

You mean to tell me that there's a country version, Festus?" the doctor asked as he rubbed his chin again.

"Well Doc, that's why I don't trust a dictionary to be rit right, causin iffin it whar to be rit right, it'd be filled with contry words the way us contry folks says 'em." Festus explained, as Sam helped Miss Kitty to get back up on her feet.

"Is that right?" Doc asked, as he looked over at Miss Kitty who had been crying tears of laughter and still couldn't stop.

"The feller who rit them thar city words can't be to edgykated Doc, causin he never rit down one word in that thar book that I can understand."

"Tell me something Festus, say I'm wanting to spell alligator, how would you spell---

"Well Doc, thar you go again." Festus said, as he finished off his beer. "Why would us contry folk, here in Dodge City, want to spell alleygateher fer?"

"Just spell the dang word for me Festus, it dosen't matter why I want you to spell---

"You ornery ole scutter!" Festus blasted. "Then why do ya want me ta spell it fer, iffin it don't matter---

"Just spell it, that's all I want you to do Festus, just spell it!" Doc Adams blasted back, as Marshall Dillon walked into the saloon.

"Well, that'd be easy nuff to spell fer ya Doc, let's see, eye tea, it." Festus said, as he smiled and dipped his head in satisfaction.

"Why do I even bother with you." Adams said, as Matt sat down at the table.

"What's up Doc, Festus?" Matt said, as Sam came over to take his order.

"Math-Hew, Doc is a havin' truble spellin' the word it." Festus spoke up before the doctor could answer.

"Why don't he use a dictionary, Festus?" Matt asked, as Sam stood by his side.

"I asked Festus to spell alligator for me and he couldn't even---

"Now lets see Doc, a.l.l.e.y.g.a.t.e.h.e.r. alleygateher, thar ya go." Festus said, as Miss Kitty dropped once again behind the bar. "And I bet it's not even spelt like I spelt it, all contry like."

"You sure got that right." Doc Adams said, as he arose from the table and snatched up the dictionary.

"And I was looking up the word alzheimer's, for your information." the doctor said, as he started to turn from the table.

"Thar ya go again, trying to use the city slicker vershun, when it's as plain as the white hair on yer---

"Alright dag nabbit, spell it for me then, if you're so dad blamed educated---

"I done spelt . . . it . . . fer ya Doc, a while ago, eye tea." Festus said, as he looked up at poor Doc Adams. "Are ya hearin' okay today?"

"Festus, how would you spell alzheimers for the doc?" Matt asked, as Miss Kitty leaned over the bar while Sam decided to take a seat at the next table.

"Well Math-Hew, first off, a feller'd need to know how many hammers Al has?" Festus answered, as Miss Kitty hit the floor, laughing again.

"See Matt, see what I've got to put up with!" Doc Adams thundered, as he left the Long Branch in a huff.

"Somethuns mighty wrong with the doc, Math-Hew." Festus said, as he gazed over at the marshall. "This makes the secont time he asked me ta spell . . . it . . . fer him. He's a gittin awful fergetful now days. No wunder he's a carryin' that thar dictionary around."

 


Submitted: July 31, 2014

© Copyright 2021 Stormbird Throneshaker. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:

Comments

bobthebuilder

Clever and funny. Good job.

Tue, November 15th, 2011 5:19am

Author
Reply

Thanks, I watched a lot of Gun Smoke when I was growing up, and I haven't stopped, growing up that is.

Tue, November 15th, 2011 4:14am

Max Morre

incredible. well written and damn funny
thats a very beautiful piece of work. well played and well written. write more like this man, this is awesome!!
really good :)

Thu, November 17th, 2011 11:16am

Author
Reply

Thanks a lot. I'll see what I can come up with.

Thu, November 17th, 2011 6:20am

Julie March

Another free laugh, I suppose? Haha. That story was comedic genius. I loved it.

Tue, May 29th, 2012 3:16pm

Author
Reply

Thank you, thank you. Sure thing.

Tue, May 29th, 2012 8:46am

Insane Membrane

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view . . . until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.

X

Wed, May 30th, 2012 7:02pm

Author
Reply

How very true.

Wed, May 30th, 2012 12:10pm

Desilu

Been away at my daughter's house helping out with the new baby.
It's such a delight to get back and discover more of your writing.Lovin' it.
D.

Wed, May 30th, 2012 8:06pm

Author
Reply

I hope that you got a laugh out of this one?

Wed, May 30th, 2012 1:08pm

Desilu

Yes,I chuckled while I read it.
Thanks.
D.

Fri, June 1st, 2012 11:18am

Author
Reply

YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

Fri, June 1st, 2012 7:55pm

Ophelia Banks

Very funny. ^-^ Festus was a nice character, I liked his ignorance, and the way that you made his words really come alive.

Tue, June 12th, 2012 12:58am

Author
Reply

Why thank you so very very much.

Mon, June 11th, 2012 6:20pm

Lacy Cornwall

Very funny. I like it a lot! All my old friends from Dodge City. I could even see them in my mind, having this conversation.

I LOL'd.

Tue, December 18th, 2012 9:01am

Author
Reply

Why thank you ever so very very much!

Tue, December 18th, 2012 8:51am

DLCannon

Oh my GOD!!!!! This was fucking hilarious! I laughed my ass off, at thee edge of my seat! :D

Mon, January 28th, 2013 4:55am

Author
Reply

My brother Dan fell out of his!

Sun, January 27th, 2013 9:00pm

MrV

Deputy Festus had such a funny accent! It wasn't hard to understand and yet it read so genuine, almost a different dialect. And his unique way of thinking managed to get me chuckling.

The funniest thing Festus said had to be his response to how to spell Alzheimer's "...first off, a feller'd need to know how many hammers Al has?" LOL!

The best background character had to be Miss Kitty, she was surely having the most fun.

Nicely done. I won't question a dictionary's reliability again!

Mon, January 28th, 2013 10:07am

Author
Reply

Nor will I. It's amazing how the same sounding words can have different meanings such as mint and meant (the kind you eat or making money)and I meant to tell you this!
I loved Gun Smoke just because of the little head to head squabbles that Festus and the Doc would get in to!
I'm always using the dictionary because the way it sounds and the way I spelled it never matches. We did the contry vershun fer sure!

Mon, January 28th, 2013 7:44am

Zaneerah Y

You said to read this one... Here is what I have to say:

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!! That was SO funny :D * Wipes Tears*
WOW! Amazing. Poor Doc! The guy thought he already had spell the word alligator! Omg so funny! So smart! Where did you learn to be so funny :) You have a great sense of words. Sharp mind! Aha! Please do keep telling me about any funny poem you put up. You wont have to ask me twice to read it :)

~Angel BeatZ

Tue, February 5th, 2013 1:36pm

Author
Reply

"Trouble Island" One, Two and Three
"Trash Check" Chapters One-Four, a short little unfinished story.
Let me know about these as well!
I sit and cook these little gems up from the treasure chest of my mind!!!
Thanks a million times a million times over.

Tue, February 5th, 2013 5:46am

ben hardstaff

I really enjoyed this. I thought it was very well written , with a good degree of humour and the Festus character was great! Glad i read it :-)

Wed, February 6th, 2013 11:18am

Author
Reply

Makes us want to take another look at our dictionaries doesn't it? Thanks a million for having stopped by.
I have enjoyed your writings as well and if any one else should read this comment, check out ben hardstaff at http://www.booksie.com/ben_hardstaff

Wed, February 6th, 2013 6:12am

ValeriyaPonomar

For a second there I kept thinking to myself "what if the person who wrote the dictionary had no idea what he was doing!" and this story gave me a great laugh!

Tue, February 12th, 2013 4:15am

Author
Reply

It boggles my mind that we have words that sound alike, but are spelled differently and mean different things! Homonyms I believe they are called.
So yeah, it could be that he sat there thinking that he could mess with our minds by doing this, and so far he has done a great job! by/bye/buy now!

Mon, February 11th, 2013 8:31pm

Ina mcfarmers

Omg, I never laughed at anything on booksie yet , this yer story made me hit the deck just like the waitress behind the bar, oh! Thank you so much for the laugh thro yer! Story ,and I now know where your coming from with my jumbled mishap! So I'm going to go rite back and take it of site as its a damm! Waste o time there, so thanks for the indirect hint I get you Loud and clear and some time in the near future I'm going to see if I can write one with humour in it to , but it won't be as good as yours,becoz yer just fab. :)

Sun, February 24th, 2013 12:50am

Author
Reply

I'm as happy as a Hobbit in a Denny's restaurant that you were able to get a real good tear jerking laugh out of this story.
You'll want to read all four chapters of "Trash Check" next!

Sat, February 23rd, 2013 5:06pm

WinterFairy

This was absolutly hilarious :) thank you so much for telling me to read this! There was a prefect combination of humor and your characters were very well developd :) i laughed out loud multiple times and i laughed SO hard at the ending XD well done!

Thu, February 28th, 2013 9:52pm

Author
Reply

I'm glad that I made your day!

Thu, February 28th, 2013 2:17pm

Tom H Hart

This was great! Chuckled the whole way. Maybe I'll change "Mirror" to some country slang to get rid of that "CEwtgt" tag.

Tue, March 5th, 2013 1:36am

Author
Reply

If and when you do, stop by and let me know and I'll come and read it! Going to check it out in it's present form!
Thanks!

Mon, March 4th, 2013 5:44pm

commander218

Never watched Gun smoke, but this kind of makes me want to. I just love the way you wrote Festus. It was different, but still so clear. It was funny and clever. I'll even admit you gave me a few chuckles.

Tue, December 10th, 2013 9:54pm

Author
Reply

Mighty glad that you liked it. Yeah, Gun Smoke had it's funny times as well as being a serious western in its day.

Tue, December 10th, 2013 3:01pm

Future Author

Thank you for entering yourself, as well as this short story into the auditions round of my competition. I really enjoyed reading this piece because it was funny and enjoyable. Your writing skills are impeccable seeing how your diction is top of the line. I do not have that talent and I bet a lot of people on this site don't know how to write like that either. The results will be posted on Saturday, December 28th, 2013 letting you know if you have succeeded onto the second season of "Booksie Idol." Good luck and thank you.

~future author

Sun, December 15th, 2013 7:41pm

Author
Reply

It is I myself that should be thanking you for the opportunity to be able to enter this competition, and I do thank you!!!

Sun, December 15th, 2013 2:04pm

Tripti Saraogi

Througly enjoyed it! Very funny! :)

Mon, December 16th, 2013 2:58am

Author
Reply

I would have to say that other than "Trash Check" this is my best so far to date. You know it's funny when you still read it and laugh!!!

Sun, December 15th, 2013 7:14pm

masharocks

God that sent me into fits of laughter! you really have an amazing sense of humour (valuable thing to have btw) a like from me :D

Mon, December 23rd, 2013 2:01pm

Author
Reply

I do hope that you were sitting down.
If you still have a breath in you, try "Trash Check and/or Trouble Island's I - IV"

Mon, December 23rd, 2013 6:08am

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