other strangers

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just more feelings

Submitted: November 05, 2015

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Submitted: November 05, 2015

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I remember as a child lying on the grass in the backyard, the sun shining on my face and saying “I want to remember this forever”.  I didn’t want to remember that day or how things looked. I just wanted to remember the feeling.  My childhood bad, I had to grow up to fast. I was too young to be so sad and it wasn’t fair. I was too young to endure so much. But at that moment lying in the grass, all the noise around me disappeared, the jumbled mess of anger and confusion went away and the only thing I felt was the sun on my face. I want that feeling back. The feeling that no matter how bad things were, how bad they are now, that maybe a sunny day can quiet my thoughts, quiet the hurt.  I strive for the strength I had as a child to return. I don’t want to live forever feeling like a stranger to myself. I want to be able to throw all my problems into the wind and blow them far away from me.  It’s funny how the human mind works. How fast someone can return all your problems to you. I had hoped my mother had changed; I risked four years of not talking to her. In those four years my problems slowly blew away with each morning breeze. Her brother and what he did to me didn’t haunt me like it used to. My nightmares slowly turned to just dreams. I had healed. I had started to move on.  Sure, I had days where I wasn’t okay, days where forgetting wasn’t as easy. But it wasn’t so much of a struggle. I risked all that put it all on the line, I missed my mother. She wasn’t the greatest, but I had forgiven her in my time away.  Going back crashed all the walls I had built up, ripped all the stitches that I started patching my heart with. Going back killed me. Going back is what turned me into something less like myself, losing my love, being replaced by my love turned me into a stranger. Those two things dragged me back into the hole. Being back with my mother brought back her brothers shadow. He plagues my mind. I worked so hard to keep him away. He ruined my childhood, took what wasn’t his and left me broken and unable to love. He took away the fundamental building blocks I needed to learn how to love, to love properly. I can’t fully love people, I lack that piece. But I had learned to love someone not fully but enough, enough of a feeling. I know I’m young but I had found my other half. My uncle’s crime affected how I love and how I trust. But healing from his crimes enabled to find a boy I fell in love with, the first boy I ever learnt to trust. But that boy left me for someone else. My mother said she didn’t want me and this boy just decided to leave with a replacement me. I got abandoned twice in the course of a month. I’ve fallen farther down then I was before. Too much too fast, my mother broke my heart, and so did the boy. Being with my mother brought back her brother, because I don’t know how she couldn’t have noticed something was wrong.  I didn’t even get a fair chance at life. Three years old was the first time I could remember her brother shattering my whole world. But I didn’t know it was wrong at that time. But three, fucking three, I was a baby. She let him move in when I was seven. He tortured me till 10. He took away my childhood. He screwed up my whole life.  I can’t forget that happened. Post-traumatic stress disorder leaves me permanently damaged. Along with the new fear of getting abandoned, being replaced, not being good enough for the people you love. The stranger lives inside me eating away at my venerability. Now I’m forever wishing for the feeling I did as a child lying on the grass in the backyard, the sun shining on my face and saying “I want to remember this forever”.  I didn’t want to remember that day or how things looked. I just wanted to remember the feeling.


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