Regret The Words You Say

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Where else to share my depressive stories but Booksie?

This is not my true confession. But this is true for many people out there.

This isn't just a story. This is true for someone.

This is what happens when you don't think about what you say.

This is what happens when you're just 'joking' around. This is what happens when you use other people's lives for your entertainment.

Submitted: January 30, 2012

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Submitted: January 30, 2012

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She holds the cardboard cutter to her left wrist, gripping it so tight her hand shook. She looks up at me, her teary eyes gleaming.

‘Go ahead,’ she smiles sadly, ‘Keep telling me how worthless I am, then I’ll see how worthless I truly am. Keep putting me down and I’ll push this knife down.’

My eyes widen. My mouth drops open, and I feel a million words at the tip of tongue, but all I manage is ‘You wouldn’t.’

‘Wouldn’t I?’ she tilts her head, her grip tightens. ‘But go on, Sam. You were saying how I have no friends. Because it’s really that obvious. Do you wonder, if I killed myself tonight, would anyone care? Because I have no friends, no one would care, right? Only friends would care, but I don’t have any of those.’

‘You’re crazy,’ I say again. She can’t. She wouldn’t. She knows I’m just kidding. She’s just kidding.

She seems to know what I’m thinking and smiles again, ‘Crazy? Who’s fault is that? Sam, I really do want to do this. To prove you right. To show you that no one will actually care. I mean, that’s what you want, right? To be right?’

I can’t get any more words out.

‘And it’s so simple,’ she looks down at the knife. ‘What’s it they say? Down the road, not across the street.’ She drags the knife up her bare arm. Her skin’s tan, and completely smooth.

I imagine the blood spilling down the middle. The red dripping to the ground.

‘I’m just playing around!’ I blurt out in panic, ‘You know that Katy!’

‘Do I?’ she looks at me again, her gaze distant. ‘Sometimes it’s hard to tell, Sam. You didn’t seem to be playing around when you told me I’d never be loved. Is telling other people that nobody cares about them, ‘playing around’, Sam. Or,’ her head turns to the side, ‘is this what you wanted? For the world to be rid of me? Why should I take up such valuable space on the planet when I’m worth nothing? When I mean nothing? Why am I even here?’ Her eyes dart to mine, ‘Why am I, Sam?’

I can’t do this.

‘Tell me, why would they put me on this earth if all I’m going to do is kill myself anyways?’

She can’t do this.

‘Oh!’ she laughs, ‘I get it. I’m here for your entertainment! I’m just here so you can play around! Are you happy now, Sam? Are you?! Have I entertained you? Can I be relieved of my service now? Is the only way I can be away from you, killing myself? Is that the only way I can stop crying myself to sleep every night? Is it, Sam?!’

She’s pressing the blade to her skin now. Too hard. Her flesh breaks open, but no major vein is punctured. I can’t breathe.

‘Stop it, Katy, stop.’ I hear myself whisper.

Her eyes are blurred with tears, ‘Will you ever get it, Sam? Will you? I want to die, because I can’t seem to escape you. You’ve been in my face for years too many. I never knew what to do about it until now. So will you at least do this one little favour for me? Just watch me die? So you can live with this image for the rest of your beautiful life. Just watch me die.’

She closes her eyes and drops to her knees, pulling the knife across her skin.


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