Apathy towards offensiveness

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
The Author is imprisioned by themself.

Submitted: March 01, 2008

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Submitted: March 01, 2008

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I sit dead center on the floor of a darkened padded room. Shackles constrict my wrists and ankles, I can feel them weighing me down, trying to persuade me to come yet even closer to the floor.Thick chains connect my ankles together as well as my wrists..and a chain stronger still connects it all together. I marvel at the shape of it. A curved and deformed X. Funny I think to myself. When one link in the chain tries to resist another it is only helping what it is fighting against...Fascinating. I don't wonder why I'm here. Whats the point? I am where I am. Wondering won't see any difference in the matter. And so I wait. Fingering the cold smooth metal of the chains that keep me. Just waiting. wasting away in this place that doesn't seem to have much purpose.

Just as I began to lose interesting the the metallic clinking sound that I am able to make, there is a mechanic screeching. An engine that seems to surround the room fires up. I simply look up, letting my gaze drift lazily about in the darkness, knowing full well that looking is providing me no advantage. It is just dark. Black, nothing else. There is a loud pop as every individual pad which cover the walls ceiling and floor illuminates to an unbearable degree. Startled I cower away knowing well enough that all that had changed is this new great light. I squint through the blinding unwelcome rays. I can feel every blemish, every imperfection upon my person scream out and become revealed to this intruding search light. For a moment I start to become insecure, but it soon dwindles away. I am what I am. That has never bothered me before in this place.

Voices begin to echo about the room. Voices of disappointment, disapproval and rejection. One voice adds onto the next until all I can hear is a blur of decibels fused together into a giant mass of noise that not even the most talented of translators could sort out. I sink closer to the floor. I would cover my ears if the linking chain was long enough for me to do it without my feet leaving the ground. I marvel at my sense of stubborn comfort in such a time. I have no other choice but to listen to the chorus of sad and angry voices.

The voices begin to fade out just as they had entered until I am left in this empty room of white. I shut my eyes not being able to tolerate the light anymore and just lift and lower my hands as far as the chain will stretch. I can feel the light slowly dimming. The engine lets out a groan of protest until it is as dim as a summers night. Dark..but I at least have shadows to comfort me. I clink the chains again, feeling childish at my easily granted amusement. Then there are footsteps. Mysterious majestic steps. I feel like I know them. I lean lightly forward silently awaiting whoever is approaching. Feeling that I resemble some kind of lonely old dog who loyally awaits the return of it's master. The footsteps stop. Anticipation swells up within my entire body. It has been so long since that door has been opened..so long since I've seen natural light..or felt the soft flesh of another human being. I feel a quick ache of loneliness that leaves me as I hear unlocking from the outside. I clumsily attempt to stand up completely forgetting about the chains the bind me. I stumble to my knees again, having stood unsuccessfully. Metal creaks and grates together as a large portion of the wall jumps from the wall becoming a portal of light, fresh air and hope. I can feel him. He is there.

The silhouette of a man taller than I stands within the door's frame. An eternity passes before the lights go up again, but thankfully only to the extent of being able to see the man as clear as day. My whole body accepts a familiar ache. He is here. I wish to smile. to cry out. But I don't. I remain on my knees staring at him. I can't move even the smallest of voluntary muscles. He steps forward, wearing a wrinkle-less suit of black. He contrast my bleached rags imperfectly. His piercing blue eyes tear a whole right through me. When I can no longer stand his accusing stare I lower my head. Still I say nothing. "Why are you still here?" I respond with the shrug of a shoulder. "Come come! you're being ridiculous!" I don't move..I try not to even breath. His voice becomes darker. Full of irritation and ripe with annoyance. "Speak!"

I wish with most of my being that I could just answer this too with a simple shrug of the shoulders. But I cannot bring myself to disobey. "If I told you..You would not believe me" I marvel quietly at my ability to even speak after such long silence. I don't need to look up to know his stare is contorting into a very displeased glare. His silence was a good enough retort to my mine. I meekly lift my head and let my eyes drink him up. He'd be a god if I didn't know better. Maybe then this is why I have been placed here. I open my mouth to speak his name..but it feels far too above me for such a mouth as mine to enunciate.

"Never in my life, have I ever wanted to be controlled, silenced or changed. I have actually been against such things all of my life. But here we are. And I know just as sure as I am sitting before you..that I want nothing better than to be altered by you in whatever way seems fitting. Fill my head with lies..I will believe you. Fill my heart with deceit, it won't stop me from loving you. Break my body..my mind..my heart..I will still take whatever strength is left in each area to throw myself down here at your feet. Tell my heart to stop beating and I will do it myself..request the stars and I will die from the madness of trying to make it yours. You ask my to leave..but I know I cannot. If I leave what do I have to live for? Any food or drink will never fill nor quench. The touch of any other man could never satisfy. I'd rather be here bound my mute chains and walls. At least here I will be near to you, even if it is between walls of iron."

He only stares. I don't pause long knowing that this might be the last time to say anything for many a year.

"For days I pondered and loathed my affections for you. But I cannot control them. Days of regret follow those..wondering why you among all the rest. Finally days of denial..and lies. I only loved you because God himself wished to curse me into submission. Breaking me by the things I held so close to my heart. But now..those days are but memories. I know..and am no longer ashamed of what I feel for you. Yes, dear old friend. I will heartily rot my life away for you. After all..was it not you yourself who claimed that our lives are but a short breath in God's nostrils? As this must be true, then I am all the more willing to be here. If I cannot prove to you what is here within this heart..then I will make it at least clear to myself that I have set loyalties in the circus known as life. Better to die here knowing you are here near me..than to live a poor excuse for life without you.For surely you must know by now I'd die before leaving these walls."

His eyes fill with laughter. I cannot understand it. "Oh foolish girl, You over-dramatic wench. You take things beyond what they are! Cut your losses and move on! No need to blow things out of proportion like this!"

He doesn't understand.

My head sinks again. "I exaggerate..you say..then you must lack the capacity that I contain within me. I'd rather die. Die for you. Blind and insensitive as you are I'll still die for you right here..You don't take me serious..Have I not thrown myself into a prison of your own making? Have I not obediently waited until you feel what I feel..or at least see what greatness this could all be.."

His silence causes my face to heat in anguish and embarrassment. I shouldn't have been so bold. He only chuckles. "Silly girl." He steps out the great portal..which soon disappears into the wall. Another pop rings throughout the room and it all goes black again. I ease myself into sitting position. Trying to convince myself that it was not just a dream. A wonderful dream, where my life paraded before me in a flawless black suit, not understanding it's own worth or weight.

Just a dream I muse to myselfA hideously wonderful dream.

And then..I go back to waiting.


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