How I Became a Bad Guy

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
I wrote this a few years ago...
It always seems to me that people pick the worst times to cast judgement and spread rumour.
It was when I was going through one of the hardest times in my young adult life that people were judging me...
This was my response...
Charli

Submitted: November 30, 2011

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Submitted: November 30, 2011

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Remember the "bad guys"? They were anyone who wasn't mom or dad?

Then, in stories, television and movies, the bad guys became anyone who didn't win.

But then...in that moment... right there, is when we decide who our bad guys are forever.

The bad guy was supposed to be someone crazy, messed up or insane ...someone... not like me.

Isn't it funny how all of our special days start with..."one day"? ... ... someday...then today, finally everyday and ...then the inevitable... old days...

Maybe I lost my innocence. Maybe I didn't learn this or that. But...I awoke with... the same craving.

Something known or unknown...It all feels the same in the end.

There are different inlets, so therefore, there must also be different outlets.

Some are nuttier than others. It's all in what your conscience can live with and die with.

It's amazing how that pre-bubescant vastness can change.

How did I become a bad guy?

I wasn't the first... and it's exactly that reason,

that I won't be the last.

I wouldn't say we all wake up good. But I also wouldn't say ANY of us wake up bad.

Maybe we just don't remember...

Our strongest strength of any species is our ability to focus.

Free will...Free will seems to me a manufactured freedom.

It seems to me.. that the idea of free will, allows us to be so easily led. Think about it. The oldest, most trusted book in history asks you to make the choice to be sheep and follow a shepheard or be burned in eternal damnation.

Doesn't sound like much of a choice to me.

It's not divide and conquer. It's divide and focus.Really it always has been. We just thought it was our choice.

Don't follow your need to follow.

How did I become a bad guy? I chose to. In making that choice, I ultimately gained my freedom. I wanted more. I NEEDED more. I needed solidifying in a world that did not make sense. Because I was taught, that to BE anything, I needed to BE something. What is something? Wasn't I already something? Wasn't I already,(bare with me), a gift from god?

I questioned.

I believed more than most and... at a very young age ...already feared more than most. I was tired of being afraid. Everyone is afraid. Everyone is scared...sometimes.

Why should it be all the time?

So many things... so often...made me afraid. It very unnormally... became normal.

Good or bad...eventually, one's clock picks a time to stop. Something decides not to mature anymore, so that one can compensate for the struggling parts.

Damage Control.

It was never an error within. It was a shield.

Things, as they do, happenned again and again. There are so many places within that we fortify. In doing so, we become our own child.One protects what one holds most precious. In our most vain and arrogant society, it is ultimately self.

Eventually one can fortify no more. I began to look outward. I saw my own danger everywhere. But with my new education, saw everyone else's too. Now there was a new focus that didn't have to be on self. Maybe I could give what last good I had. Maybe I could do for some what no one could or would do for me. Maybe I could be the hero.

But...Being the hero, you have to sometimes brake rules. Who's rules are these anyway? I became good with that.

Now I have a new distracting mission.

One becomes very strong, because all that fortification concealed and held the hate. But Given time to grow, it becomes quite a strong force.

"But I was good,(innocent), what do i do with this?".

So much energy spent in grief has to go somewhere and be recycled. For some that is all that one has left.

When did I become a bad guy? I chose to. However, I was invited. I became the bad guy when I chose ...not to. When I questioned. When I disagreed. When I chose good or bad... to be me. To let go of all the insecurity. But whoever's hero we become, we are always going to be... someone else's bad guy... sometimes....

How did I become a bad guy?... I never did... I'm still a hero in my own mind. So, the only question left is...

How did I become your bad guy?

Lovingly Dedicated to B.Edwards...Thank You for helping me see the real me, I love you.


© Copyright 2017 SultryCharli. All rights reserved.

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