Memories of a Forgotten Soul

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Thrillers  |  House: Booksie Classic

A man struggles to accept the daunting truth about his fate as he spirals into madness.

Submitted: September 14, 2017

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Submitted: September 14, 2017





"I feel nothing anymore." These were the words of a lost soul left wandering the emptiness of our cruel world. Everything had finally come together to this very moment, this was the point in time in which the man known as Sunjae had to make the most difficult and important decision that he had ever been faced with. "It won't be long now" he muttered to himself. His head grew heavy as his eyes began to water. Both hands were thrown into the air while revelation after revelation bombarded his mind. "I am the cancer here, it just seems logical to remove myself from the equation so that everyone else can move on and enjoy life... Please everyone forgive me, label me a coward if you must but just know that I fought for as long as I could!" What else could he do at this point? God had not been able to fix his poor brain so he was out of options. He submitted to the voice that was constantly in communication with him and threw the meds away as he was certain that this guiding spirit only wanted what was best for him.

Having fear is a good thing. It's what keeps you going, pushing you to your limits. Fear will help you survive anything. Having a lack of fear though is an endangerment to oneself and to others, don't you think? Now, you may be asking yourself who I am and I promise that I will tell you in good time but first some words of encouragement. 'Cherish life, never give up, live for freedom.' Simple indeed yet the effectiveness of these phrases are questionable to say the least but I'll leave that up to you to judge. Most people don't know what it feels like to be disconnected from reality to such an extent that you don't know what to believe anymore. You just take life as it's thrown at you, do what others tell you to do, feel however others want you to feel. Does that sound like free will to you? I'll say it again: 'You be the judge.'

Let's get back to Sunjae now. I'd like to share a poem that was written by the man himself  shortly after his 16th birthday which to me shows his mind being tainted by depression and depression only. I truly believe that this is depression in its purist form, it fascinates me. The poem goes as follows:

"One and six have formed a new, today tomorrow what can I do, changed as if to bring the worst, why has this happened was I just cursed? To find myself drained of my grin, I question was it for the sins? If I can't die a happy man, why should I live the way I am?"

This particular lost soul was not made for this world which is why he was removed from existence. He didn't need you, he didn't need anybody, he had me. Hold on... did I just say that out loud? How about we back up just a few pages okay, ah here we go. The phone rang. Trembling violently, Sunjae's right hand struggled to bring the phone up to his ear. He didn't want to answer it in fact he fantasized about throwing it out of his window however that would not be happening, not in this history at least. It needed to be answered. Upon pressing the answer button a familiar voice crept out through the speaker, a voice so soft and heavenly that it could make grown men fall to their knees and weep spontaneously.  Unfortunately in this case, our mysterious caller had outstayed her welcome. She spoke with haste: "Hello, are you there?" and our agitated man replied: "What now?!" The conversation went on for a little bit, allow me to enlighten you...

Angel: "Just think for minute what the aftermath of your plan would look like, how your loved ones would react!"

Sunjae: "Please understand I need to do this."

Angel: "Why, what good will it bring?"

Sunjae: "There are so many reasons I d-don't even know where to s-s-start! Bloody paranoia, people can still see me even with the curtains shut."

Angel:  "But does th-"

Sunjae: "And the fucking government... I swear they're trying to kill not only me but everyone else, it's these pills. No one knows what's in them, do you hear me now? These damn demons trying to control me, trying to decide my path before I even get a chance to think for myself."

Angel: "Listen to me Sunjae, I need you to calm down. Can you do that for me, just this once? I want to help okay."

Sunjae: "Why bother, my whole state of living has been a bad dream. There was so much that I wanted to do with my life."

Angel: "What about the voice?"

Sunjae: "What about him?"

Angel: "Well what did he want to do?"

Sunjae: "Everything. That son of a bitch took over my mind, almost possessed me. H-He kept telling me that I should kill everyone in sight because they can't be trusted and the messed up thing is... I started to believe him.

The call was ended prematurely as Sunjae dropped the phone on the ground. Don't worry though, she'll be back. At this moment I'd like to tell you about something. This something is not a disorder nor is it a disease or an illness of any kind but rather a symptom. A single symptom capable of driving any individual who experiences it insane. I speak the truth yes, this little something is the very thing that propelled the psychosis located deep within the mind of young Sunjae into overdrive. It is called: 'Tinnitus' or rather 'Chronic Tinnitus' For those unaware Tinnitus is the perceived ringing in ones ear that you would get let's say if you attended a loud concert. It is incredibly annoying indeed but eventually subsides. Chronic Tinnitus on the other hand is extremely uncommon, but it simply means that the ringing does not stop, ever. It is a hell of frustration and misery. I remember the night that Sunjae first got his curse, his Chronic Tinnitus. The 24th of April 2011 at roughly 1:00am. He woke up in the middle of the night dripping in sweat, his ears on fire and the sound was other worldly. It was as if someone was playing a recording of white noise directly into his ear canal on a continuous loop. It took several minutes for him to realise that the sound was actually coming from inside his head, truly haunting.

Let me share another poem written by our man some time after living with this obscenity. It goes:

"From then to now without sleep, my sanity I must keep, the ringing worsens with each tick, I feel myself growing sick, with time passing bitterly, my mind gets all jittery, I question my survival, as death welcomes my arrival"

Does this not sound like the ramblings of an inmate on death row? A ticking time bomb is what it is. I guess not everyone gets to live happily ever after. That got me thinking about the meaning of death, you heard that right not the meaning of life but that of death. I started thinking that it could possibly be a portal, a gateway to a fresh start. If people experience dreams for a reason then do the same principles apply to nightmares? In order to provoke a response, one must initiate first contact. Am I a monster?

Sorry I didn't mean to trail off topic there, I'm not sure what happened just now. In any case let's get back to part 2 of that phone call shall we. The phone rang again obviously and of course Sunjae answered.

Angel: "Sunjae?! Are you there, what happened?"

Sunjae: "I dropped the phone okay stop pestering me!"

Angel: "Okay sorry sorry I didn't know but tell me about before, why is it that you think that you can't trust anyone?"

Sunjae: "Because people are people and all people can and will eventually betray others for their own personal gain."

Angel: "How do you know for sure that these people have betrayed your trust?"

Sunjae: "I don't but more importantly, I'm beginning to doubt the trust that I have in myself... GOD!!! I feel like my brain is a cup and my thoughts are the water and the water is rapidly overflowing. The tinnitus is killing me but the guilt is the only thing keeping me grounded. The pills do nothing. It was a lie, all of it. I fucking hate the government and everyone in this hell of a world. How am I supposed to trust anyone now?!"

Angel: "Sunjae?"

Sunjae: "I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last Angel. I honestly can't take anymore of this. My whole body is against me, the muscle twitches keep getting worse. The ringing as well. I mean don't they say that things always get worse before they get better, isn't that how our corrupted world works?"

Angel: "Please Sunjae, just hang in there a little longer. T-tell me about Debra again."

Sunjae: "I already have."

Angel: "Just a little bit more then."

Sunjae: "Fine, People kept telling me that Debra isn't real but she is, she stimulates all five senses so is that not proof? Someone said to me no Sunjae she is made of wood. I mean I know that she's a little stiff jointed but that doesn't mean that they should've insulted her. There was also that thing regarding the beautiful one. I don't know where she came from or who she is but I do recall seeing her in my dreams. She could even be connected to Debra in some way but who knows. All I know is that Debra is the only friend that I have left. You think I've been misguided don't you?"

Angel: "No, but I understand that you've been suffering. I get that, though even in a time as tough as this don't you think there is more than one path available to you right now because I do."

Sunjae:  "Hey can I read you a poem that I wrote?"

Angel: "You wrote another one?"

Sunjae: "Yeah, it goes like this... Detachment upsetting, aging is setting, emotion is burnt, cut grazed and hurt, transpire desire, the liar breathes fire, evidence chilling, depression is killing." Yes I may be obsessive and yes I may be losing my mind but I know for a fact that I am not insane at this moment. As you can see, I still have full cognitive function. I am aware of the paths available and which one it is that I need to walk down."

Angel: "Honey I'm only going to say this one more time, I am here to help you. Do you understand I am here for you and only you. Please d-don't do this, I could come over and talk to you in person if you don't believe me."

Sunjae: "Goodbye Angel, I really am grateful for your time and the support of the hotline. Never give up okay, cherish life. Farewell."


Well there you have it. That was the extent of the phone call. I only wish that our story could have had a happy ending but then again not all stories do, in fact the best ones often don't.  Oh yes I almost forgot, I promised I would introduce myself didn't I. Before I do that let me first tell you why I decided to write this story for you. I guess it was to keep some form of control. In my mind, writing this down and being able to look back on it and read it over gave me the power to slow down and get a hold of my thoughts before my time was up. Crap, did I just give away my identity? Well I was gonna tell you anyway so I'll just spill the beans. You may call me... Sunjae. Yes you heard correctly, I am Sunjae. The voice inside the head of the man who lost his life. The one who forced him to do it, I am he.

That means that his name was not Sunjae but another name. Let's simply call him: 'Jay' I'll break down the course of events for you simpletons shall I. Man is born, Something happens to the man which causes him to get chronic tinnitus, The sound of the ringing slowly eats away at his sanity causing  psychosis and worsening the depression first experienced at age 16, I take over his mind, Man finally chooses the path that results in him losing his life. And that is that.

Now for the part you've all been waiting for, the ending itself in all of its gory detail. Hold on to your hat folks because it's gonna be a bloodbath.

Jay removed the already sharpened knife from the sheath and lay firmly on his bed. Sweat dripped down his face and the ringing was so loud that it felt like his ears would explode. "GET THE HELL OFF ME!" he yelled as I once again took over his mind with ease. Suddenly there was silence. Jay looked off into a daydream and quietly muttered: "A death without pain is not a death at all." A sly grin gradually took form on his face before lifting the blade over his small framed torso. He shouted with every last breath in his lungs: "GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD FOR I AM FINALLY FREE!!!"

Jay brutally thrust the knife 5 times into his chest, blood oozing everywhere and spilling out from his mouth. The life flooded from his eyes as the soul that had been inside of him for over 20 years rapidly parted with his body. Then nothing. Silence filled the air. A bloody corpse of a man lay motionless on his bed and as for me I was gone as well, never to exist in this world or the next.

By Jason Salmon

© Copyright 2019 Sunjae. All rights reserved.

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