Amelia set out her supplies from her silver box. She had chosen this box specifically because it came with a lock. Although the lock was flimsy and easily picked open, it still gave her a sense of security that no one would find her supplies. Amelia set out a black towel to cushion her tools as she brought them out. They included a scalpel stolen from a medical supply store, multiple disposable razors that she had pried open to take the blade out, scissors, and safety pins.
She debated whether or not she wanted to bring out rubbing alcohol and peroxide but quickly dismissed the thought. Amelia wasn’t going to need them this time. She set out her tools slowly and methodically, they had to be in the same order every time or she could not start her work. Amelia could feel the urge to cut the part of her out. She couldn’t describe which part needed to go, all she could tell was that it was dirty and evil, and must be disposed of at once.
Amelia had been trying to get the bad part out for years. It had always been just out of reach. But tonight she was going to get to it no matter what. She had almost given up on cutting out the bad part. The thought of getting rid of herself had gripped her mind for months, so much that she did try to do so. If she couldn’t get out the bad part what choice did she have? Amelia had tried hanging but couldn’t get the knot right. It was times like this that she wished she had been born a boy. If she was a boy she would have learned to make proper knots in Scout Camp. She had tried overdosing on pills and alcohol. The alcohol burned her throat and made her throw up the pills. So it had to be this. The bad part of coming out tonight even if it killed her.
Amelia sat on the cold blue tile in the bathroom. She had always hated this tile; the blue was tacky and old. It reminded her of the tiles in her school bathrooms. The same school that made her see counselors and psychiatrists. Those people tried to make her take pills so she could forget the badness. They didn’t understand. The bad had to be cut out, not squashed with a pill. She wondered if she should perhaps sit in the bathtub to make cleaning up easier. Amelia quickly decided against it since she wouldn’t have proper access to her tools.
Amelia rolled her sleeves up and inspected her skin. Her arms were a patchwork of her trying to get the badness. White faded scars were intertwined with pink puffy scars and fresh marks that were barely scabbed over. If you didn’t know what it was you might regard it as art work.
She decided on the razor blades first. Amelia knew she could get a good clean start on the badness with the blade. She pressed down as hard as she could on her forearm. Amelia let out a quick breath as the rush of endorphins came over her. She put it in the same spot again and pressed harder, this time not feeling anything. Amelia knew she wasn’t anywhere near the badness. The badness would hurt the closer she would come to it.
She picked another spot and tried again with the razor blade. Another rush of endorphins came over her. She was getting frustrated now. How was she not near the badness yet? She had been trying for years. Amelia began to slice her arm in a frenzy trying to make it hurt, trying to feel for the bad. After 45 minutes of cutting her forearm she sat back to take a break. During this break a light bulb went off in her brain. “Of course!” she thought “The badness isn’t in my arms!” “I would have had it by now if it was”. With that thought she took off her shirt and pants, leaving her only in a bra and panties. Amelia began to inspect the rest of her body. Scars covered her legs and her arms. The skin on her abdomen, chest, and neck were untouched.
Amelia began on her stomach again with the razor blade. She decided to have some fun with it and carve names and pictures. First she carved her mother’s name. “Catherine” The carving began to drip red down her body. She continued with peace signs, hearts and stars all the way up to her breasts except for one spot right below her left breast. That spot was saved for daddy. Her father always insisted that she call him that even as she got older. She hated that word. “daddy” it dripped with distain coming out of her mouth. Except when he put the badness inside her, Amelia could not give him any provocation during bad time or she would get a belt across her face. She switched to the scalpel for this one. This had to be where the badness was. “daddy” bled with a vengeance. But even still she could still feel the badness inside of her.
Amelia was getting frantic now. Blood had started pooling on the floor and she was slipping in it. She grabbed another towel and set it down so she could sit on it. Amelia knew she needed to be stable for accuracy in her project. She sat back and again inspected her skin. Amelia pulled her panties off and looked at where the badness would come into her. She saw a flash of red in front of her face and realized she had cut part of it off. Amelia held the lip in her hand. It didn’t register that it was hers, she hated it. She dropped it and sliced off the other lip. The adrenaline rush was almost too much to bear.
Amelia was getting light headed so she drank water out of the sink with her hands. Bright red swirled around the sink and disappeared. She wished she could disappear. The badness still hadn’t come out! She wasn’t even close.
Blood started to pool under the door. It didn’t matter though. There was only one place left the badness could be. Where it had all started from……her throat. Amelia stood up and looked in the mirror. She was going to need it for this. Still holding the scalpel, excitement and joy filled her heart. Finally she knew where it was.
Amelia pushed down with all her strength and dragged the scalpel across her throat. Blood filled her esophagus and she began choking. She knew she couldn’t stop now. Amelia dragged it across her throat again and red streaks began to appear on the walls. The cold blue tile was no longer able to be seen. She sat down and promptly fell over on her side. She started laughing seeing the pool of blood on the floor. “The Red Sea” she thought and started laughing harder all the while choking. “I have created The Red Sea”. “I am God”
As she lay on the no longer blue tile she started to see black. A feeling of calm rushed over her, the badness was gone. She had done it! After years of searching she had finally found it! Amelia closed her eyes and let the darkness take her. One last thought jumped in her head “Today was the best day of my life”
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