Shaza's Baby Bonus Part I

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Introducing Shazza... the all Australian bogan you love to hate.

I was totally checking out this copy of cosmo at centrelink the other day right, and in it I saw this celebrity from like, some asian country had named her new baby "Likatikatoto." So I figured, right, thats its a nice name for a kid, you know? It kinda rolls off your tongue like a ciggy, of which I have loads since I got my welfare checkaroon. Anyways, so me and chaz banged a few times when he came around and i can tell from the colour of my pee im preggers. I just have that instinct, i got it from me mum. I have sore tits too and my period has stopped. So im havin a baby! Fucking A, right?

Anyways so I tell Chaz and hes excited as a fucken dog on crack, and we start to talk bout baby names. I was thinkin maybe Schapelle? That chick that was jailed in Thailand, or whateva for bodyboarding? I figure when my bub goes to school she has that star quality, named after someone, you know? My sis in Mt Druitt reckons "Eloiiisee" is a fucken trendy name, you know, with the dozen "iiii"s or whatevr. I dunno though, coz right, dont tell no one but what if she cant spell her name if its got so many words in it, you know? Better to keep it short, thats why im called Shaza. Mum did right by me. 

Anyways so me and Chaz are figuring out baby names and having a few ciggies, and he comes up with the name "Talusha", and I figure its a fucken nice name, right? And if its a boy, we might call him September coz thats when hes due to be born and shit, and we'll never forget his birthday. Fucken good idea we thought. I lit another cig and touched my baby bump, and then thought bout that cosmo mag I saw at centrelink when i was waiting in line! "Likatikatoto" is a fucken great name, and Chaza agreed, I called me mum and she thought it was "unique" whatever that means. I didnt call dad or nothing coz he's in jail, but i figure ill send him a letter, and get the chick down at the community center to write it for me, aye. Now we decided what to call our bub, we had to find out what the name means, coz we like to be informed, aye. And the world wide web says its native american, or some shit, and means "to urinate softly." What the fuck is that? I never heard of the word 'urinate' before. Mum and Chaza had no idea neither, so I called my smart friend who knows big words and she told me it means to pee! TO PEE! Chaza reckons its a good sign, coz our bub will not pee loud or something and bother people in other toilets, spesh if theyre shooting up. Coz thats the worst, when someone is pissing heaps loud. I fucken know! 

So its decided then. Me mum says I have to go down the doctors and see how many weeks ive been preggers. A bun in the oven, cant fucken believe it! Anyway, I have to go buy some more cigs and book meself in at the clinic, and give Kaza and Bazza a call to let em know the good news, i'll let ya know how many days i've had the bub. Gotta feed the dogs too! Before rspca get on me like fucken docs, aye! Love Shaza.


Submitted: June 24, 2012

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Radial X

You really captured Shaza's voice - I can totally hear her while I read! Nicely done! *****

Sun, June 24th, 2012 6:17pm

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