Her Superman 6

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
part 6

Submitted: August 27, 2012

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Submitted: August 27, 2012

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Well I should point out the obvious. I started talking to you since I don’t remember when but maybe it was Saturday I’m not sure. At first it was great. You sent me something on facebook that made me run to you as I have always wanted to. Too bad the arms were closed once I got there. The conversation started off in a way I can’t remember but what I do know is that I didn’t want it to stop. We were doing so well but like most things it came to an end. Maybe that’s where I was wrong. I wanted things to keep on happening when that’s all it should have been simple want and no action. I wanted you so badly I didn’t care why you did as long as you wanted me back and gave me those words I waited to hear from you that you love me that you miss me and that you only wanted me. I don’t know what it is about you that makes me crave you more than air itself the need of simply talking to you even if you’re not mine. You say I have changed and I’m not the person you wanted me to be because that person is now gone and no matter how much I try he doesn’t come back to you. Even though my past self is no longer here I am here and I am not who you want, maybe not even worthy, but for some reason you talk to me and you say you love me even though you say you want “him” back. Parts of him is me you said so yourself. I want to be everything you want me to be, but in the end what you see is what you get. Why isn’t the person I am now not enough for you? I say I love you and only want you and yet that isn’t enough. Then why continue talking to me? I didn’t know I had to impress the person who says they love me. Do you just love the thought of me or the person I used to be? Or maybe even both? Then why tell me the person I am now that you love him if I am not who I was in the past. Why do we lie? Is it to protect ourselves from the truth or for the person we love? Perhaps it is both? But what is pushing it too far? Every time someone tries to talk to me and asks what’s wrong I say nothing then look down and close my eyes and tell myself don’t cry don’t cry as I wipe the tears that want to roll down my face when they aren’t looking. This is what I was thinking before we started talking. I miss you. I miss us. But do I want us? I want us yes, but is that what is best for us? I don’t want to belong to another and I don’t want you to. As a great man once said every man kills the thing he loves, in that case why do we lie? What is an acceptable lie to tell even oneself? I lie to myself saying I don’t want you. I don’t need you. when that’s all I want and need. I still want and need you and I try to be who you want. But when in that process do I lose a part of myself? I think of it as bettering myself for us, but there is no us now and yet here I am having this ongoing battle in my mind. I feel as though I wait for someone who doesn’t want anything to do with me. Am I fooling myself in thinking this can work once again? This is the first time we have broken up and actually meant it. The other times we have broken up we still talked. This time it is different, it will be different even if we do get back. Is that what we want? Walking on egg shells not to disappoint the other? I feel as though I don’t know who you are anymore and I am forgetting who I am as well. I tell myself it is simply heartbreak but when I talk to you these past few weeks have never happened because there you go again making me feel like no one has made me feel before. Our continuous fighting is what I had to think about in order to not want us anymore. I may have lied but so have many other people in relationships. The most important things I never lied about was and is how I feel about you. how I feel about you won’t be going away any time soon. I think that is a good thing and also a bad. Makes me realize how much you meant to me and how real this emotion is. It is bad because it is all I think about and I know that it is gone no matter what was said the past few days. You start school tomorrow and I am so glad you are because you are a smart person. You will succeed in whatever it is you do because I know you do it with drive, heart, and passion like no other. Going to two different schools will be a challenge but I know you are always good with them and win each time. We have yet to speak of what classes you will take or if you will even talk to me again, but I do want to talk to you and not dwell on the past even though that’s what you want to do. you changed your wardrobe I feel as though I should be worried since you never wore dressed but now you are and you said it was for me but how can that be if I am not even there to see them? I thought it was to impress someone, but maybe it is to impress the many other people you will soon call your classmates. I know you will turn heads you always have. I know this is the sound of jealousy and I will admit I am because in my heart you are still mine. To bring up another quote that was in my mind “no pleasure, no expression, just an illusion of what should have, but wasn’t”. is that our relationship? Because I did have pleasure and a lot of positive expression as well as the bad, but in the end was it all an illusion like all great things? We could have been many things together, that is what “should have, but wasn’t”. I feel as though I always have to do the waiting game with you. I message you and you take your time to respond. Are you with someone else? Whenever I bring that up it gets you mad and I guess it would since I ask it frequently. I ask it because you would drop anything and everything to respond to me and now you don’t. I know we are no longer together, but I guess I just grew accustom to it. I guess I will keep playing the fool who waits for you, but no one waits for forever. I want to work things out if there is anything to fix to begin with. It says you have seen my message ten minutes ago and you have yet to respond to it. Maybe I am a fool and I should stop and finally listen to my friends. Something I never did, but maybe this time they are right and I should stop trying. I said I would never stop fighting for you, but it’s only called a fight if there is another side who is also fighting and it feels as though you aren’t and you gave up. I know this letter or whatever it is seems more like questions and as though I am complaining and maybe I am, but I need to voice it to someone. Slowly but surely I will step away from this, but for now I will continue to be the fool who loves you and only wants you, but like most things in life that will be temporary. I miss you baby. I miss us. I love you snowflake


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