Suicide or Life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A look into the choices we make....

Submitted: November 02, 2007

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Submitted: November 02, 2007

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I am so cold. I lie here in this tepid water looking around at the candles and wonder why am I so cold?

I know I climbed in here when the water was so hot steam rose around me. My naked body slipped into the water as if it was sliding back into the womb it came from. I can remember enjoying the luxurious bubbles and feeling the heat on my skin. The sweet senuous smell the bubbles gave off. The scent of the candles. So why am I cold?

How long have I been here dreaming of warm beaches and warm arms around me? Where are they now? Those warm arms that held me with such care? The words are missing as well. Those words of love whispered in my ear are silent now. The room is silent. where is the music I had playing as I slipped into this water. Why am I so cold?

What is that over there on the floor? Ah, our picture. There is the man I love his eyes bright with the joy of holding me in his arms. There his arms are around me. I can almost feel them around me now. I feel so lightheaded, so giddy with joy at the idea that his arms are around me again. But they are not and that brings me down to the tepid water again. Why am I so cold?

As I look around the room again I see the ligts reflected on the ceiling. There are flashing lights, strobes of red and blue. I wonder where they are coming from. Now there are noises in the other room. People are yelling my name. Why are they yelling? This room is so quiet. Why can they not see I want to be alone. Alone to find the warmth of his arms again. Why am I so cold?

There I feel them again the pull of his warmth I can almost smell him now. The aftershave I love so well. I can feel his strong arms pulling me up. Why does my body feel so heavy? My skin is so pale. His breath seems cold but his arms are strong. He is pulling me up out of the water and out of my body? Wait no that can't be right. How can I be up here on the ceiling looking down at my body. I feel nothing except the cool breath on my neck and the tug of his arms around me. Yet when I look down I see myself lying in the tub.

Is that why I am so cold? There is blood on the floor and in the water. The tub water that felt so warm is now almost red from my blood. What did I do? Are these really his arms around me. I try to turn around to see him but the arms around me tighten. The pull up is stronger.

I want to see what is happening. I resist the pull. I can hear the people outside the bathroom door. Hurry I think to myself. I want to yell, but I can't. I want them to find me. Help me. Save me. Why did I do this?

Why is his breath cold? Why am I cold? Am I dead already? NO!!! I don't want to be dead.

Warm hands are on my arms. They feel different then the ones pulling me up. I look again down at myself and see a man in a blue uniform touching my wrist. Why are his hands blue? He says something to another person in blue and they lift me from the tub. I am naked. I am so very white. The one near my head puts his face close to mine his breath is warm. They call to a third person as I watch from above. This person brings a blanket for me. The pull from above is stronger and so very cold. More warmth in my body as I see a tube go into my arm. Am I dead?

The man holding my wrist in his warm blue hands wraps a bandage tightly around my wrist. The three talk to each other but it is muted and I do not know what they are saying.

In the other room I hear someone yelling my name and crying. Is that a man's voice? Is it him? But then who is pulling me up? I fight to get back down. I want to be back in my body. I want to Live! Why did I do this? I do not know.

Slowly I get warmer as they lift me onto the guernry I feel myself sliding back to my body. My arm hurts. My head hurts. I know there is a reason I did this. Now though all I can think of is I want to live. I choose LIFE!


© Copyright 2017 SusanChristine. All rights reserved.

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