Always On My Mind

Reads: 1362  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 1  | Comments: 24

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Luke has recently become overwhelmed with the memory of a woman he can't get off his mind.

A first draft of a story I'm experimenting. Constructive criticism is welcomed!!!

“Large coffee, please, black.” Luke returned the barista’s smile, only less seductive on his part. He thanked the barista as he grabbed the coffee from the pick-up counter, slipping off the coffee sleeve with a number written on it. He had no use for it- the number, not the sleeve.

The metal chair screeched across the tile floor as he pulled out a chair from a table of two. Rain pattered softly against the windows of the small café and the air acted as a thin, cool sheet being laid upon Luke’s skin. His deep purple dress shirt had the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and tucked into his smoky grey dress pants. Topped off with a contrasting white belt, Luke became the sight for almost every girl in the café.

Though, the other women in the room were the last thing on this man’s mind. The pavement sprinkled with drops of rain, the aroma filling the air, the cool sensation all reminded him of one special moment. With her, under the cool white sheets at six in the morning. Her smooth arms and legs tangled with his toned ones as he took in the view of the vessel that contained her. Her curves, the angles of her joints, her eyelashes brushing against his cheek, his lips on her neck- all of these filled his mind from the simple scent emanating from the pavement.

“Luke!” Fingers snapped in front of his green eyes.

Luke became slightly agitated from being snapped out of his reverie but kept calm anyway. “Hello, Melanie,” he tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“Hi sweetheart! I’d give you a kiss but you know how much I hate the taste coffee gives you.” The dark haired girl sat down across the small round table, her hands wrapped around a tumbler full of a green smoothie. Darkened hands from the effects of a tanning bed, definitely not the hands he was imagining on his chest just moments before. Luke took another sip of his now lukewarm coffee and tried to pretend it wasn’t just to aggravate his girlfriend of two months.

“So, I was thinking on my drive here that we have some things to talk about,” Melanie began to talk but Luke drifted his mind away. His eyes scanned the coffee shop for any sign of her, the girl under the sheets. Each time he thought he found her at a table with her back turned, she would move her head and he’d look in another corner. She’s not the type to stand out; she blends in at the coffee shop, a simple order of coffee with a book to take my place at the table. Luke could already envision her hand sweeping up and putting a loose strand behind her ears, lip being bitten as she gets entirely lost in the story in front of her.

“This isn’t working anymore, Mel.” Luke almost blurted out. He wasn’t even sure what he had interrupted her saying; she was just a buzzing in his ear.

“What?” Melanie acquired the deer in the headlights look, her bright blue eyes widening with dark black mascara framing them.

“It’s just not… we aren’t… it’s not…” Luke had a hard time phrasing it right.

“It’s not you, it’s me?!” Melanie’s voice raised an octave or two. “Is that what you were going to say? Oh my god, I can’t believe you!”

Luke pinched the bridge of his nose, “no, I wasn’t going to say that. But I do have some other things I need to work out and I think I just need some space to do that. You’ve been great, you really have, but it’s just something I need to do on my own.” He meant every word. She was a lovely girlfriend; she was beautiful with her long legs, pencil skirts and high cheekbones. The only thing was, he couldn’t imagine kissing her neck under the sheets.

By now, Melanie’s face was scrunched in a mix between disgust and disbelief. She stayed that way for a moment, unmoving, then huffed while grabbing her purse and smoothie and eventually stormed out of the café. All eyes were on Luke now, men and women alike, except instead of seductive looks they were curious, humorous, and amused.

Public breakup, classy Luke, his subconscious reminded him. Letting a little sigh of his own pass his lips, he grabbed his suit jacket from the back of the chair and what was left of his now cooled coffee and walked out the café door.




“You’re late, Melanie wouldn’t let you out of bed or what?” Jason, a coworker and best friend teased as Luke entered the office. Luke ran his hand through his black hair, ruffling it a bit, preparing to make the breakup public.

“Yeah, no, that’s not happening anymore…” Luke set his bag beside the chair in his office then shuffled through his “incoming” mailbox.

“Uh, what?” Jason followed Luke into the office, leaving the door slightly ajar.

“Just what I said, it’s over.” Luke glanced up briefly through his long eyelashes at the blond playing with a stress ball.

“What? Why the hell would you do that?” Jason inquired.

“Do what?” A voice came from the door. Nolan, another coworker/friend mix entered the office.

“He broke up with Melanie,” Jason looked at Nolan then back at Luke.

Nolan, brown haired with a darkened stubble beard, dark features, and toned muscles tugging at his shirt, was almost the exact opposite of Jason. Jason was slim -a product of being an avid swimmer- clean-shaven with blonde hair and only the slightest hint of a tan. Luke became a mix of the two with his emerald green eyes, black hair, slightly toned body, and beige skin.

“Probably because of that other chick.” Nolan remarked, passing the stress ball back and forth between him and Jason.

“What?!” Jason let the ball fly passed him out into the hallway. “You were cheating on her?! With who? Why does pretty boy know and I don’t?!”

Nolan chuckled while Luke settled down in his office chair, looking up from his papers.

“No, I did not cheat on Mel,” Luke started.

“Unless you count fantasizing about another girl cheating,” Nolan added.

Luke gave him a look. “It just didn’t feel right with Mel.”

“So who’s this other girl?” Jason looked at Luke eagerly.

Luke found himself unable to find the words to respond to that. “Well, uh, you see, I don’t really know.”

Nolan and Jason both gave him an odd look. Luke had told Nolan briefly about the girl, but nothing more than that she existed.

“Well, what’s her name?” Jason enquired.

That stopped Luke. “Uh, you see I’m not too sure…”

The looks of confusion grew. “So, what, did you meet her online? Because dude, she’s probably a guy waiting to fucking kill you or something. I don’t advise you to keep going on that road…” Nolan added in.

Luke chuckled, “No, she’s not from the internet. She’s…”

“Not real?” Jason suggested.

It was Luke’s turn to look confused. “What?”

“Well dude, I mean it’s not totally crazy and it doesn’t make you crazy. But it’s starting to sound like this girl is just all in your head.” Jason elaborated.

“No, she’s real, I know she is. I’ve seen her and now I cannot get over her. She’s in my head all the time, driving me crazy.” A knock came at the door causing all three of them to abandon the conversation.

“Luke, can I speak with you a moment?” Mr. Riggs, their boss was in the doorway, holding the stress ball. “And Nolan, Jason, keep the play outside of office hours.” He threw the stress ball back to Jason. The two nodded in agreement and left Mr. Riggs and Luke alone.

Mr. Riggs took Jason’s place in the chair across the desk from Luke. Luke straightened the papers on his desk and stood a bit taller.

“Luke, you know you’ve been a great asset to this team since we hired you six months ago. I’m very impressed with your work and so is the rest of the board.” Mr. Riggs started, leaning back in the chair with fingers clasped on his round stomach.

“Thank you, Sir.” Luke nodded, keeping eye contact.

“It’s come to the point where we want you to move up in the company. It’s consensual that your efficiency can be used to the fullest if we promote you. That means a higher salary, better benefits, but also more hours.” He paused to let Luke take it in. “If you take it, we’ll get you started on Monday that way we’ll have the weekend to get you moved into your new office.”

“Absolutely, of course! Yes, thank you, Sir! Thank you so much.” Luke tried to not act too excited but had a hard time constraining himself.

Mr. Riggs grinned as he rose, “Good choice, I’ll see you Monday Luke.”

Luke rose as well, shaking his boss’ hand. “Definitely, Sir.”

It wasn’t thirty seconds after Mr. Riggs had left that Jason and Nolan were back in the office. Luke couldn’t suppress the grin on his face.

“Guess who just got a promotion?” Luke asked, revealing the good news.

“What?! That’s awesome man!” Jason pulled Luke into a man-hug.

“So let me get this straight, you’re single and now promoted before,” he looked at his Rolex, “before ten in the morning on a Friday.” Nolan looked from Jason to Luke, “you know what this means?”

“Drinks after work?” Jason said the words Luke was thinking.




“Cheers to you man!” The glasses of draft beer clinked together spilling slightly.

Luke, Nolan, Jason, and a few other mutual friends sat in a curve corner booth in the popular bar. They’d only been there an hour and although Luke was having fun celebrating he couldn’t get his mind off of her. Anywhere he looked he was reminded of her. The dance floor allowed him to imagine holding her in his arms while he lead her around the living room to her favorite slow song. She wouldn’t need to press her body up against him like the girls grinding on the dance floor, she would amaze him with a single touch of her hand.

Whenever he got the chance, Luke would glance around the bar, in the corners and hidden spots in the venue. He looked for her everywhere, the coffee shop, stores, and bars. He felt slightly creeped out by it sometimes, like he was stalking but with a girl like that, he just couldn’t let go of her. Every place he looked, though, he couldn’t find her. He knew he wouldn’t but he wanted to keep trying. It was silly to think she’d come to a place like this. She’s probably at home curled up with a blanket reading a good book or watching a season of Netflix. Maybe even taking a relaxing bath and pampering herself. Luke hoped she was, she deserved to be pampered.

Luke didn’t stay much longer and went home after a couple more rounds. The majority of the group stayed to continue celebrate the coming weekend.

By the time he got home, Luke had started to sober up. He got to his bedroom and loosened his tie, took off his shoes and lay on his back on the bed, legs dangling down. Slowly he started unbuttoning his dress shirt exposing his toned abs and chest. He placed his hands flat on his chest, soft hairs tickled his skin and he wished for a more delicate pair of hands to replace his.

Before his thoughts could take over, Luke quickly rubbed his face with his hands and decided on a shower. The scent of beer and a mixture of perfumes were still lingering on him. In the shower, he could almost see her joining in with him. Water droplets spotted on her arms, legs, abdomen, and face. Her huge smile showing those pearly whites as she lathered the shampoo through her soft hair.

While drying off, Luke thought about taking her towel in his hands and slowly soaking up all the water off her body then wrapping her up and pulling her close. He’d give her small pecks on the lips, face, neck, and shoulder. He could almost feel her soft skin on his lips.

He returned to his room, thinking that was how he wanted to celebrate. The two of them, her on the bed applying lotion to her smooth skin and he, watching her and wondering how he got so lucky.

But, she wasn’t there that night. She was somewhere else so he got into his bed alone and pressed a pillow to his chest, hugging it. It was times like this where his imagination felt so real that he almost believed she was in his arms, not a pillow.

He wasn’t insane or crazy, he also wasn’t an obsessed stalker like it would sound like. No, he was just in love. Crazily in love with the person reading this. The one that should have been in his bed, but instead is reading this. She’s oblivious to the beauty she holds and how much he wishes she knew. He wished she knew he would wait forever for her.

Submitted: June 21, 2014

© Copyright 2021 SuzanneE. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:



Even though this is just a draft I like this story, he does sound kind of crazy and stalkerish, but I loved that ending. Good job with this.

Sun, June 22nd, 2014 2:31am


Thank you so much! I realized while I was writing it he sounded crazy! My inspiration was a tumblr comment on the author falling in love with the reader. Thank you again! -Suz

Sat, June 21st, 2014 8:39pm

Lisa Ayers

Hi suz, the description and imagery is awesome right from the beginning from the screech of the chair to the sound of the rain. It is interesting how he was not physically attracted to her. "He couldn't imagine kissing her neck under the sheets." Yet he decided to date her. A nice change of pace that his coworkers were questioning the break up. Nice to see it wasn't a bunch of women. At first I thought either Luke was imagining her or she would be introduced later. But AH! To my surprise ! What a twist! I have never read a story with this concept. Only the opposite like in Misery where the reader stalks the author .

This was a refreshing gentle read. Well written and creative.

Sun, June 22nd, 2014 4:05am


Oh wow thank you so much for all the feedback! I got the idea from a post on the internet that I've seen numerous times. Who doesn't want the perfect guy in the novel to be yours? Thank you again so much for your comment, it means the world! -Suz

Sat, June 21st, 2014 9:20pm

Alex The shadow girl

The whole character of him is a bit stalkerish and obsessive but it is interesting. i think you should make it into a novel. I would love to read it. :)

Sun, June 22nd, 2014 12:13pm


Haha yeah I'll have to figure out a way to tone that down a bit. Thank you so much for the feedback! -Suz

Sun, June 22nd, 2014 9:12am


Omg this is perfect and I love this!! You should totally make this into a novel! :) GO FOR IT!!
Can't wait to read it if you turn it into a novel...Let me know okay!?!?

Mon, June 23rd, 2014 1:41am


Ahhhh!!! Thank you soooo much, this excites me to the max!!! Maybe after I finish the novel I'm working on now! (: Thank you again, so much! -Suz

Sun, June 22nd, 2014 7:41pm

Jonathan DeLacuso

So this is what you consider just a draft??? This is freaking amazing. I mean yeah the girl isn't revealed but that just makes it that much better. You keep her in the shadow shrouded by this cloak of mystery and beauty that this femme fatal brings into Luke's life. The details in this 'draft' were OMG unbelievabely amazing. Every teenie ttiny detail was exploited to the maximum potential. Where in My reality you went out of your way to exploit the psychological torment of your character in a fearsome and somewhat grotesque way, here you exploited it on a beautifully magical way. Although I wil admit that some scenes seemed a bit shall we say creepy, I still could see what his character was going through. Love at first sight made him blind. I just wish that these femme fatal isn't a blood sucking succubus and doesn't crush him. Anyways I really loved this wotk almost as much as My reality. Bravo my friend. Bravo!

Tue, June 24th, 2014 10:43pm


Well, I want to turn it into a novel eventually, if I ever get around to it... Thank you again for such an amazing review and the feedback you give me! You are an amazing reader! -Suz

Tue, June 24th, 2014 3:49pm


Ok, this was actually very interesting! I really liked this, even if this was just a draft. I wholeheartedly encourage you to continue this!

Wed, June 25th, 2014 2:32pm


Awe, thank you so much! Even just for reading! It means so much to me! -Suz

Wed, June 25th, 2014 10:52am

Katiana Sunshine

Hey Suz!
This. Is. Fantastic. I love it!! Please please please make it into a novel! KMU! Great job!!

Wed, June 25th, 2014 5:35pm


AHHH! I'm getting so many comments like yours and I love it! Thank you so much for the support! -Suz

Wed, June 25th, 2014 10:53am


This kicks ass! It was fantastic. The way you describe things in this short story is like WOW!I really would enjoy this even better if you put this into a novel! Now that is like OMG!You have great talent Suz! Great Job!

Thu, June 26th, 2014 11:30pm


Thank you so much Allyson! It means so much to get feedback such as this! As a reader I love to feel like I'm in the story and try to create that for my readers. -Suz

Thu, June 26th, 2014 9:05pm


Wow, wow had to be the first word to start this comment off. First somewhere between the second or third paragraph the story started feeling like I was sitting down reading this out of a published book! I mean everything from start to finish was perfect and I don't see how anyone can criticize this because this story is simply perfection!! If this was a novel I would certainly read it all the way through. I loved how you added some humor parts in here, like when Nolan (I believe it was Nolan) said "she's probably a guy waiting to fu*king kill you." I laughed at that part :D! I really did enjoy the read and thanks a million for the request. You're sooooo talented I'm getting jealous, naw joking about the jealous thing but you are very talented and this deserves sooo much more reads and comments. I'm just completely wowed by this story it's so PERFECTLY WRITTEN. More then awesome job!! Please keep me updated in your work cause you're amazing!! ~Poetic (P.S love how in love Luke is, it's so cute!)

Fri, June 27th, 2014 9:20am


Awe thank you so much! I think this is the first commenter who hasn't thought he was a bit creepy! Haha Thank you so much for the amazing feedback, you made my morning!! -Suz

Fri, June 27th, 2014 8:08am


hey Suz please make this a novel, i wanna read more about it ....nice story. really like it. omg ! this is mind blowing. please ....

Fri, June 27th, 2014 12:06pm


Haha I plan on it! Maybe I'll even start while I work on Beating The Player? Thank you so much for reading!! -Suz

Fri, June 27th, 2014 8:09am


Oh, wow. That was frikking awesome! I can't even... eh, now words to describe how amazing that was! Throughout the story I just had this image of Luke kind of staring around, getting distracted by the thought of this girl, almost like a little puppy looking for its mummy. This was really good and basically, well done even though well done doesn't cover it :)

Wed, July 2nd, 2014 7:04pm


Awe! Thank you so much sweetie! You have no idea how much it means that you love this! I'm glad you really understood the character of Luke. -Suz

Mon, July 14th, 2014 5:16pm


I make notes as I read so here we go:
This guy sounds attractive haha. Ohhh Melanie, I wonder what she wants…wait they are together? I hate when my man drinks coffee too lol but I would still kiss him. Is this guy already cheating? It is rude of him to treat her that way and cheat on her I feel bad for Melanie. I love Jason haha. So this guy just thinks about other girls…he didn’t cheat? Oh shit they in trouble lol. Oh nevermind hes good haha promotion! Where did he even meet this girl? I;m confused…did he only see this girl once? Why does he have perfume on him? Did he hook up with this girl? I am not paying enough attention to this story? So his story is an actual story and he is in love with the person reading it…interesting very nice. Please read and comment on my work as I have done for you!

Fri, July 18th, 2014 2:35am


Ahah, I'm sorry if it's inappropriate, but your comment made me laugh! I loved hearing your response to each part of the story you were reading at the moment. Yes, the original plan was that he falls in love with the reader. Thank you for reading. -Suz

Thu, July 17th, 2014 7:40pm


"..Hi(,) sweetheart.."
"..but Luke drifted his mind away.."-"..but Luke's mind/thoughts drifted away.."
"..with a book to take my (his?) place at the table.."
"..imagine holding her in his arms while he lead(s/led) her around the living.."
"..of the group stayed to continue (to) celebrate the coming.."
" and he (him) watching her and wondering how he got so lucky.."
(I only mean to be helpful with these, so please don't take offence. Ignore them, if you'd prefer.) I thought this was really sweet, albeit a little stalker-ish, at times. He seems infatuated with the girl, and I liked how you kept the reader guessing and wondering when they were going to meet her. I've always wanted to try a story where the character is in love with the reader, but I can't quite think of how to pull it off; you did it well, though, and the ending was cute and sweet (though, a little awkward if you're a lad) ;) Your descriptions were good, as was your dialogue, though just one thing: if you're speaking directly to/about someone, use a comma before (and after*) their name (e.g. "Sarah(,) I don't want to talk to you." "It's not fair(,) Ryan." "I think(,) Leah(,*) it'd be best if you'd leave." "My best friend(,) Amy(,*) is going to Spain this summer."

Wed, July 23rd, 2014 11:34pm


Thank you so much on the feedback. Commas around names are usually my weak spot and I appreciate you pointing out other aspects that need fixing. I'll have to make some changes as suggested (: -Suz

Wed, July 23rd, 2014 7:52pm



Wed, July 23rd, 2014 11:34pm



Wed, July 23rd, 2014 7:53pm


**Comment cut off**

Wed, July 23rd, 2014 11:36pm



Wed, July 23rd, 2014 7:54pm


Awesome while waiting for beating the player to be updated i figured i would read more of your work and i have to admit i'm impressed!!! you got me there with your ending!! Very well written you are a genious (:

Tue, September 9th, 2014 6:00pm


Oh my goodness! You don't know how flattering that is! Thank you so much :D It means the world to me! -Suz

Mon, September 22nd, 2014 6:19pm


Third person worked so much better than first person would for a story like this. It let us see Luke's world, like we are looking in from the outside, and his continuous obsession with this girl. It was great she never actually existed in this story, was just a thought, an obsession, and i liked how stalkerish he got about the obsession, even breaking up with his girlfriend to find it.
The ending was perfect, because it means she now becomes more of an obsession, and he could lead to that path that if he finds her, he will kill her.
The detail is flawless, and even tho this isnt my genre, this is a very good story.
This is a first draft? Lucky you, i never do drafts, the first thing i write is always the final product. I want to be in the zone straight away from when i write a story, and i feel with drafts, you lose something.

Tue, October 21st, 2014 2:04am


I'm glad you liked this! I was actually a bit shocked to come onto booksie and see a new comment. The way you view Luke is kind of what I was trying to avoid haha, but I totally understand how that could be interpreted. I don't usually do drafts like this, I tend to create an entire sequence of events and lists of characters- like I'm doing a book report on my own writing haha. But I just needed to get this idea out (: The whole idea was based on something I saw on the internet "a book where the protagonist slowly falls in love with the reader." Thank you so much for reading! -Suz

Tue, October 21st, 2014 7:07am


I'm obbessed with your writing!
Its consistently descriptive, which is awesome. And that plot twist!,*faints*
He was actually in love with the READER. xD I didn't see that coming!
You even described the sound of a chair being dragged!
Love your writings! PLEASE TURN THIS INTO A NOVEL!

P.S,I'm a fan of Beating the Player. ;)


Mon, May 25th, 2015 8:55am


Haha your comment made me smile! (: I'm glad you like my style, I love when writers unexpectedly describe something that you couldn't put into words so I try to do that as much as possible. Also, this story was meant to be very sensual and create an emotional response. I will consider making it longer, maybe into a novella, but that's only an idea for right now. Glad you liked it! -Suz

Wed, May 27th, 2015 3:49pm

Ashlyn Heart

WOW what an ending! I honestly did not see that coming. I would have never seen that coming. Truly ingenious, to be honest. The story was written really well. I got a strong sense of character from Luke. To me, he seemed like an everyday guy... And I liked that vibe. However (constructive criticism) Jason did seem a bit superficial.
The ending made me smile, really. I think it'd make anyone that was feeling really down feel just that tiny bit better, and that's what I love about the ending.

Sun, July 5th, 2015 7:09pm


Thank you so much! I have to admit, the idea isn't completely original and was influenced by some things I've seen on the internet, but the writing is all mine :) I really appreciate your thoughtful comment! -Suz

Fri, November 27th, 2015 10:05am

H. Adams

Damn, I wanted him to end up with some girl in the café the next day. Bummer. If you EVER continue this, and you really, really should, I want to read it. Even if he dies or something tragic happens, I wanna know. Very grasping plot.

I like the descriptions you snuck in there, but rather than concern yourself with physical aspects, try balancing that with personality characteristics. I saw descriptions for both Nolan and Jason on their looks, which is important, but not too much on what's "inside". Ya know, 'cuz what's inside is what counts. That was my only major nit. This is a draft, so you've got plenty of room for corrections and revisions.

Excellent twist at the end, but again, I'd love to see that develop even further, with the story being written by the girl who he fantasizes about (which could be revealed at the end), but now I would know the ending, so you probably shouldn't use that.


Love this, Suz!

Thu, February 11th, 2016 2:05am


Thank you so much for the wonderful comment! I love hearing this kind of feedback. I did plan on making this something bigger once upon a time but that's kind of been pushed aside for now. As we all know, no artist's creation is ever really finished. Also, this was written in a bit of a rush so I could get the idea out of my head before I forgot it (: I will definitely consider the things you have mentioned if I return to this piece. Thanks again for commenting and reading! -Suz

Wed, February 10th, 2016 7:53pm

Facebook Comments

More Romance Short Stories

Other Content by SuzanneE

Book / Young Adult

Book / Young Adult

Short Story / Romance