Lonely escape within

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Alone and abandoned. Even when you aren't alone. Beyond reason, this is how you feel. How you react when you feel hurt in any way.

Submitted: February 18, 2014

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Submitted: February 18, 2014

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 Escape!!!! That is a practice long ago learned. I have always put it to practice I suppose. 

The correct term is in the description of personality disorder I believe.   Let me give some examples : 

Later in my childhood when my dad desired to have his way with me, I would mentally go to a place in my mind to escape what I knew instinctively was wrong.

Each and every beating from various men, each time of rape, belittling and being used in one way or another ...that same place in my mind helped me escape.

Each and every hurt I experienced then and still to this day, this very  day that I find myself in that place, that escape. 

I won't go into details other than to explain this place, the why's and wherefores . Something was said to me by the man I've loved and dedicated myself to for almost 30 years.

All I needed was a hug and instead got myself a lecture ........but that is another story all together ! 

The gun that was used in the form of words, pulled trigger by my best friend and soul mate that hit me right in that spot that screamed at me " ESCAPE" !!!!! 

By no means is this even on a scale with all the times in my past, the poor me before him.  Yes. So if you allow me to play Freud I suppose this place of escape is a self pity party. Hmmm. 

The world, my world turns surreal and small and I go through the motions but for me are motions of a different sort. I cook, and fend for myself.  I toss myself into the abandoned realm of this surreal world by denying any help or gestures of kindness. 

Speak when spoken to because surreally I have nothing to share. No desire to share.   When feeling threatened in any  way that sends me to my escape I push away...............everyone, everything. It's best described as a kind of mute numbness.

My normal world consists of its very own safe place in that other than my significant other and his 88 year old mother there is no outside contact except internet friends by phone. All which I will shut out by not calling or answering phone. I won't go on the other two sites I am active on each and every day. Well, except days like today. 

I have no interests  ....nothing. 

This is my lonely escape. 

 

 


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