Final Lament (KaylaLebreton's Challenge)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
How do you live without your other half?

Submitted: February 10, 2009

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Submitted: February 10, 2009

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It hurts. Everything hurts. It even hurts to breathe…but I have to. What else is there to do? Nothing. I have to keep going, if not for me than for everyone else. I can’t let them down; they’re all I have that keeps me going.

Another day. I awake to warmth of the morning sun beating mercilessly on my back…its morning already? It can’t be, I want to go back…I want to stay in my dreams…I want to stay with him.

They won’t let me though. No one will. ‘You need to get over it’ they say, ‘Life goes on’ they tell me. I know it’s all a lie. What do they know? Nothing.

Nothing seems to be what I am made of lately. No emotion, no care, no effort…there’s nothing let of me.

The warmth is becoming more potent. If I don’t move soon I might incinerate. That wouldn’t be a bad thing, I think. My little sister can finally have my room, and no one will have to worry about me. I’ll be with him. I’ll be ok again. Maybe if I just stay here…

Suddenly, it feels as if a thousand needles have been shoved into my ear. Again it occurs, and again, until I finally give in and roll away from my source of heat to cease the maddening alarm. So much for incinerating today. Maybe tomorrow?

The burning shower loosed my muscles ever so slightly, but it did little to soothe me. Nothing soothes me these days; nothing feels real. I get dressed in the bathroom with the clothes I set out the night before: a simple white shirt and a pair of jeans. Seems to be my theme lately. Why should I dress up? There’s no longer anyone to impress.

When I finally make my way back to my room, he’s sitting on the bed looking out the window. He doesn’t move as I enter and take a seat at my desk. A simple blotch of eye shadow and a simple smudge of eyeliner are all I need; enough to make me look like I care. It pleases my mother when I do. I glance in the mirror to see him staring at me from the bed. A smile threatens to erupt, but I stifle it. I can’t lose my head so early in the day or I might not make it through. We stare into each others eyes for a moment, but I break away and continue preparing for another sad attempt at living.

I grab my things and begin to walk out the door when my hand catches the light. As the room darkens, I whisper goodbye. Again.

Everyone is so nice to me. Even Marissa Beck, the Queen Bitch on campus. Word travels fast in high school, nothing is a secret. There’s that word again: nothing. It follows me everywhere these days. It’s what I’m made of.

“Jade!” I hear a familiar name shout. I spin my head in the direction of the sound to find Alison making her way to where I stand. I move out of the middle of the hall so as not to get run over. When she reaches me, she’s all smiles. I automatically plant a counterfeit on my face as well.

“Jade guess what!? I found my prom dress last night! Me and my mom went into that cute little boutique on the corner of Westbrook and they had the perfect one! It’s so beautiful you can’t even imagine!...” I stand and listen to my best friend tell me all about her dress. Its gorgeous color, the immaculate designs, everything. The first bell suddenly rings as she begins to tell me about her shoes that I assume match the dress. She scowls at the ceiling as though it had something to do with it before giving me a quick ‘see you later’ and heading off in the opposite direction she came. I pick up speed myself and get to class just before the tardy bell. We’re learning about memory in psychology today; something I would normally be quite interested in, if he hadn’t been in the seat in front of me. I glare at him as I take my seat, but he simply responds with a smile. His smile. The smile that makes me break into a million tiny pieces of warmth. I end up spending the class period staring into blue eyes so innocent and pronounced they make my heart flutter. This can't be good for me, but at the moment, I don’t care. I don’t want him to take his eyes away. Ever.

I throw my things in the back seat of my beat up Focus and fish the keys from my jacket pocket. As my fingers graze the handle of the driver’s door, a hand finds its way onto my shoulder. The contact sends my body into a rebellion, causing me to jump as if being startled.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to frighten you.” Cameron says softly, his voice as gentle as can be. He immediately takes his hand from my shoulder and apologizes again with his eyes.

“No, no, you’re perfectly fine. You need something?” I say, trying not too sound hostile. He blushes slightly.

“Um, I was wondering…wondering if you had a date to the prom yet?” he opened his mouth again as if to add more, but decided against it. My face fell.

“No, not yet.” I answered simply. He suddenly appeared to my left.

“You should go with him. He’s a good guy. You need to be happy again.”

The words flow into my mind without him ever opening his mouth.

“So what do you say?” Cameron questions. Did he say something?

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Do…do you want to go to prom with me?” he looked like I had turned him down already.

“Say yes.”

“I’m sorry Cam, but I’m not really into prom this year. Thank you anyways.” I said simply. Without waiting for him to answer, I spun around, slid into the car, and sped off without looking back.

“You can’t keep running away from things like this. You need to live. This isn’t living.” He’s in my passenger seat, staring out his window. I don’t say a word; I simply focus on the road. The ride is quiet to the ear, but my head is swimming. Memories collide, threatening my tear ducts, but I don’t give in. I just keep focus on the yellow lines in the middle of the long line of tar ahead.

I finally pull into the drive way and turn off the ignition. My hand reaches for the door handle, but something stops it. He stops it. His pale, pastel shaded hand is upon mine, freezing my entire body.

“Jade…” I close my eyes. “I’m gone Jade. You, you aren’t. You cannot keep this up.”

“Haha, you sound like them. And you’re wrong. I can’t live. Not without you…I am nothing now.” My eyes sting, but nothing falls from them.

“Jade…you are an amazing person who has so much to offer the world, don’t give up on everything because of me. You are not nothing, you’re me. You didn’t die with me, I lived on with you.” His hand moved to caress my cheek. I simply feel a cool breeze.

“It…it hurts Kale…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live without you here…everything is so hard and cruel, it’s not the same. No one understands! No one! Not mom, not Alison, not Jessica…no one! They all tell me to get over you, to move on, just like you are now! And why? Why should I have to move on!? What’s left for me? Anything?! No! Nothing! I am nothing without you Kale! You were my other half! I…I love you!” The words fumble out of my lips at the same moment the tears begin to poor over my cheeks. My body racks with sobs, and my ears echo with screams as I finally begin to mourn for him. I never cried that night…or the night after, or the night after that…I didn’t want to believe it.He’s…really gone. This isn’t a nightmare or some sick joke like I had hoped, this is real. This is life. It’s cruel and unfair, so unfair, and I don’t know what the point of living it is without my other half. We were engaged, planning on getting married in college…we’ve known each other our whole lives, I’ve always had him.

I can feel him now.I can feel the warmth of his touch, the beat of his heart…he’s real. I lean into him with full force, burying my face into his chest as my world continues to shatter.

“I love you too. This is why I have to go… I can’t stay here with you, even though it’s all I desire. Live for me Jade, please? The hardest thing to do in this universe is to live… live the life I can never have.”

And suddenly, I’m hunched over the middle console, howling into the seat.

Alison grinds her hips against mine, her pale yellow dress hitched up by her hands. I hold a similar posture in my darker green dress, my hair falling over my eyes. The music is loud and rhythmic, everyone closely packed and dancing as hard as they can. Cameron and John stand on the outskirts of the mob of teenagers, probably talking about video games and school. The song finally ends as we make our way back to our dates. Cam sees me coming and immediately lights up with a smile. I can’t help but to return the gesture, only this time, I mean it.

“Hey, wanna dance?” I ask him. The DJs going on about a slow song he plans to play next and I’m too wound up to just sit down. Besides, it feels nice when we’re close. He smells good.

“Um…sure.” He says, a little unsure of my sudden behavior. It’s a wonder I haven’t chased him away with how crazily spontaneous I’ve been lately. Alison gives me a wink as I take his arm and lead us out to join the calmer horde of peers. He reaches to take my hand, but I pull away and wrap my arms around his neck instead. He freezes for a second, but then responds by wrapping his arms around my waste and smiling his smile. Not Kale’s smile. Cameron’s smile. The smile that makes my heart melt into a completely different shape. We hold each other, gently swaying to the music for a few moments, when he suddenly pulls away so he can see my face. Another smile plays across my lips.

“So, how’s life Jade?” he asks. I beam at him.

“Hard, soft, cruel, heavenly, ugly, beautiful, kind, malicious, painful, and …life.” Our lips meet, exploding a whole new feeling within me. One I haven’t felt before; something different than what I had with Kale. Its strange how easy it is to say his name now. I open my eyes during the kiss to see him standing across the dance floor; his face alight with happiness as our song plays in the background.

oh, when the day is blue
I’ll sit here wondering about you
and how the pollen fell
all around your face in strange yellow patterns

but, I wasn't prepared for this
oh, no, I wasn't prepared for this

when the morning came
the bees flew down and
wrapped themselves around me
and that's when I spoke the word
to have them trace your face for me in pollen

but, I wasn't prepared for this
oh, no, I wasn't prepared for this

come, come back to me, my, my darling
come, come back to me, my, my darling

I wasn't prepared for this
oh, no, I wasn't prepared for this

when the day is blue
I’ll sit here wondering about you

[I wasn’t prepared by Eisley]


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