Adventure in a Virtual World

Hi T.J., This was not my favorite chapter. Not much happened, the main character seems disgruntled about something, although I don't know what, and the plot didn't really move forward. Ask yourself what you are hoping to accomplish with each chapter. What new thing does the reader learn, what new mystery is either created or uncovered? What more do we discover about the characters? If the answer is, not much, then you should revise the chapter or kill it.

Also, take a look at some resources online on commas. I'm terrible at commas also but learning how to use them effectively will really improve the flow of the story.

I did like how you incorporated elements of the game. This is an intriguing part of the story and one I look forward to learning more about as the story continues to develop.

On to the next chapter...

It's a very frisky friendly world. Are they going to be the dinner. I left a few comments. Watch your tenses. Overall, you're doing a good job drawing us into the world. Now we need some tension. I'll read the next chapter soon.

Cool beginning. I see now how the prologue fits in and I actually think it works. I think you need to amp the prologue up a bit but overall, it's ok.

This first chapter is good. The dialogue and pacing are realistic and you build the tension with the disappearing players. I also like the mystery you are building of what happened to these players. As a reader, we are waiting to find out what happened and more than that, to have the characters discover this also.

I would like to know a bit more about the main character. Who is he? What makes him tick. What's unique or different about his circumstances. We actually get a bit more about the other players than him. It can come in chapter 2 but I think you need to give us some meet on him soon.

Nice start.

Hi T.J.,

I like where this is going. Taking gamers and plopping them into the real world. Nice. I'm not a big fan of prologues but we'll see where this goes with chapter 1 and then I can give you some additional feedback.

I pointed out some grammar items to look out for. Commas and paragraph structure are common issues with almost all writers.

On to chapter 1.

- Jake

Feedback

Again you have written an excellent chapter. I especially like the description of the creature however, you say "... with two shorter arms hanging loosely in front of its grotesquely thin body..." Shorter as in smaller than. The way you have structured the description you are comparing the arms to the legs, yet at the same time it seems as if you are comparing two sets of arms. Later you clarify it only has one pair of arms rather than two when you say "...down to all fours..." but it still lingers in my mind. Is there anything else important about the creature? They smell of rotten flesh is that due to their own bodies state of necrosis or is it what they have consumed? You may clarify this by speaking about their physical form a little more.

I am a little confused as to what happened when the creatures pursued them but ended up passing. Were they pulled out of that place by the magic of one of their allies? Was a spell broken? Were certain requirements met and thus their own magic cast a recall spell similar to how a Phoenix revive casts upon death?

Once again the character rapidly changes their behavior. After a situation such as what they have just experienced I personally would start laughing hysterically while violently shaking from the adrenaline rush(And yes my bowels would have already failed me.) Even if the character is trained to show no fear most would dust themselves off quickly. Straightening their jerkin with a trembling hand they might eye their surroundings to get a grasp of the situation. You don't talk about how they got up whether shakily or such. Actions after a traumatic experience are good opportunities to insert subtle, yet potent, characterization.

Near the end you start a sentence with "and"
"...And his eyes... I blink rapidly, Unsure if my own eyes are playing tricks on me. Jake's normally grey eyes shine a bright silver." I would suggest rewriting to remove and. An example would be "His eyes, now silver rather than the usual grey, mystify me. I blink rapidly worried that my own are playing tricks on me yet his eyes still glow..."

The part about listening to the city was a nice touch. By creating things off in the distance you are giving scale to the image you are creating (rather than some hidden fortress in a wast land it is a castle in a city) making the area more lively. Beyond that it gives the character a reason for having suddenly calmed down.

Like your other chapters there is strong imagery. The story continues at the moderate pace it has always has. As always I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. New, exciting and unique things lurk just beyond the next page waiting to be discovered giving the reader a pleasant sense of excitement. Stay safe and have fun.

Clarification on "and"

The "and" comment isn't anything important. Put simply its a personal preference not a grammatical error. I try to use it as little as I can as it simply joins two ideas, like duct tape Vs glue. Sure, duct tape is stronger than most glues, at the same time duct tape it is unsightly.

You wrote:
"A heavy sigh and a warm rush of air coats the cool surface in a dense fog."
Which could be changed to:
"A heavy sigh unleashes a warm rush of air, coating the cool surface in a dense fog."
It has the same meaning but without the "and"
(however this often causes problems with the flow, it therefor shouldn't be forced.)

Feedback

I enjoy the first two paragraphs they establish tension and yet doesn't whack you over the head with it.

You don't give many descriptions of the room, rather it is completely focused on the action, even if yo describe the room in a previous chapter or later chapter offering a reminder to readers is nice. So comparing the color of some item that is important now to something that is a part of the room could give readers things to compare creating a sort of blended picture rather than Color/texture A goes here, Color/texture B goes here.

You seem to direct your comment towards Hesire yet Clarissa is the one that answers clarifying who the comment is directed towards would be helpful so rather than "What did you do to them?" making it ambiguous like "What happened?" leaving it open for anyone to answer regardless of the fact that you are looking at Hesire. Alternatively you could directly ask Clarissa, thereby suggesting you trust her more than the others

You don't seem too worried about the state that Shana is in nor does she stay in the state she enters the room in

The characters recover rapidly there is little residue from previous reactions in the chapter, for example even though you become embarrassed you don't shuffle awkwardly a bit or straighten your jacket nervously instead you instantly stop Hesire.

Later you bellow at Clarissa. The rapid progression of emotions would with everyone I know more blend rather than simply change instantly. So maybe add a few descriptions about the mood of the people, make it more of a slide rather than stairs if that helps to understand.

The magic is much more understandable than the last chapter I commented on. I like that. You say "...This man of the realm..." near the end of the chapter to me this disrupts the pace as if suddenly slipping into a Shakespearean style, that threw me off a little.

I like the end of the chapter, it restores the tension thereby pressing the reader onward.A few times you use "and" where you are stating an action with a description of the action or addition to the action, which is one thing I don't like.

Overall: Its a good chapter, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. No obvious flaws. One or two vague sentences but nothing that is in dire need of being rewritten. The writing style is neither too formal nor is it too informal. Just as with previous chapters your story remains at a steady pace nothing too hurried nor anything drudging along, yes there are some points where your story seems a little rushed but at no point do you skip anything that seems to be important. I hope my feedback helps you. Stay safe and have fun.

From newcomers to apprentices of the security council in less than 10 minutes? IDK man. Too easy.

You hooked me back with the magic teaching part. I'm always a sucker for that.

This is a very interesting read! I'm very curious to see what happens next!

I doubt my comment will help you in any way but here goes...
The writing is quite good, the scenes are set up with great detail. The sheer amount of detail isn't overwhelming, nor is it too little. One detail you could be more specific about would be what type of clothing the other individuals wore, however adding such would be difficult to keep the flow. The shift in lila's attitude is rather rapid, not that it is too harmful to the overall flow. The gasping and wheezing to me seems a little redundant. I found my self lost during the fight as to lila's position. The relationship between the Wizard and his mother as well as his father is one that I even only reading one chapter I find myself curious about. The characters seem rather solid so capitalizing on that would be rather beneficial. The language is simple yet poetic. the spell that the wizard uses is one that I find a little confusing as it has four separate aspects the fire the Lightning and gravity aspect I can grasp but the part about the ice and fire aspect combined is one that seems a little to much but that is simply my opinion. The part where the main character falls to their knees seems a little to dramatic, I would expect a stumble but falling is something that I would associate more with losing hope rather than with being startled by a revelation. Over all this is masterful and I look forward to reading your future projects as well as reading the rest of this book.

Intriguing beginning. I like how the prologue and chapter one are not in chronological order. Giving a 'sneak preview' into what's coming definitely hooks the reader into continuing on past the first chapter. In fact, after reading the first chapter, I flipped back to the prologue to remember what these people were like in 'real life'. My biggest suggestion would be to maybe describe the game / raid a little more, since this chapter is heavy on dialogue and short on action--though the dialogue is very interesting. But adding more description about the game at this early stage would help with world building even earlier, which I think is what sucks readers in. You asked for feedback on whether or not the first chapter was "on par" with the prologue. I'm not sure what you mean by "on par", but I enjoyed the visual descriptions in the prologue, and probably found it a little more enjoyable.

Great in adventure and novelty. Chapter by chapter it flows.

Outstanding write! You have SO got the pull of the story going here. Excellent descriptive text and dialogue, as always, is spot on.
Guess the ol' earl went one step too far when he reminded Shana of the boy being killed ...

What an incredible view into Shana's heart! Very craftfully written - as always. The letters are outstanding in keeping period and prose.
A great continuation. Maybe not a lot of "intense action" and yet definite progression.
I am fast becoming part of the Shana cheering section!

Can I just say that I really really love this chapter!! I get the feeling that Shana is going to have a hard time coming to terms with the boys actions and his death that she caused. I love the fact that as a reader we don't know what's coming next, this left me at the edge of my seat and I am eagerly anticipating the next chapter!

-Katherine

I think this is a very interesting start to a story. Being a big fan of fantasy this beginning automatically makes me want to read more. Curiosity has set in. Will read more.
P.s: Newer member, please ignore my blank comment from earlier. (accident)

Nice progressive chapter. Good further development of characters. Like always, the dialogue flows and descriptive text serves to paint the image of what's going on.
Well written stuff!!!

Right, I have finally managed to read through the prologue and this first chapter. This may be quite long since there will basically be two comments in one. Having them both in one comment will probably make this very long, but we'll have to see. I am going to do this comment in order of the thoughts I had as I read through it, starting with your prologue.
I thought the prologue was short and sweet, with some pretty nice descriptions, making this place sound wonderfully peaceful. You didn't give us much info, making us, as the reader, intrigued with plenty of questions. It was a good approach for the prologue because of that. The prologues main purpose is to intrigue and draw in the reader, and I think you did a nice job of doing that. You did give us little hints as to what was happening, just enough for it to make a little sense of the situation. The way the character only recognized the voices, but not the faces of these people, made me think that they communicated via chats but not video while they played games or stuff together. So far, I already liked the characters, but I did think there was a fair number of them to introduce all at once. I don't know what you plan on doing with them all, but when you were introducing them all, I got slightly lost with who was who when they all started talking. It was very hard to tell who they were talking too as well because of this. Your dialogue in the prologue wasn't bad though, and it did show a little of their character through what they said and how they acted, which was good. Anyway, that was a very nice prologue, and an interesting way to get your story moving.
Now then, onto the first chapter. As I read through this chapter, I had so many things I wanted to mention, so this may be longer because of that. Hmm, where do I start? This is a pretty good first chapter, with both, good and bad points. I am intending on mentioning everything that I thought as I read it. I noted everything down so I didn't miss anything out.
I also had a look at the comments below, and I do see the angle you were going for with this chapter, but I do think it would be really hard for you to write a chapter just about the main character telling the story of the past few days. I think, if that is what you are wanting to go for, I personally think it would be better if you wrote this story normally in past tense, then when you switch to the present, you could explain how the rest was him thinking about what had happened before he got pulled into the game. That way, the story would be equal quality, and still get across that he was telling the story. This is just my advice though, and not everyone will agree with it. I noticed that you have put this story as a fantasy genre, but I feel that this is more of a Science Fiction because it's set in the future and has a virtual reality kind of thing going on. But this isn't a big deal to me, because sometimes the two genres can seem to be closely linked depending on the plot and story. I do think the plot so far is interesting though, and is very intriguing so far, and it will be nice to see where you plan on taking it.
Okay, now then, onto your actual chapter. As I read through this, I found that it consisted of mostly dialogue, I understand why though. Since this chapter was focused on the main character chatting to his online friends, there isn't much places to put in descriptions, BUT, there is actually a whole lot more places than you think. Because this chapter is the main character telling us what is going on, doesn't mean you can't have him thinking or feeling, or seeing things, which is very important in first person stories. The only thing in this chapter that wasn't dialogue was the main character basically talking through all the steps of what happened, which was actually the most important part to show us, not tell us. You went from dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, to skipping out on dialogue completely. The main events in a chapter should be focused on, otherwise, even the important parts, like finding out his friend had gone missing, wasn't as interesting or drawing as it should have been. It's moments like that, where anticipation should keep us, as the readers, on the edge of our seats. Since the main characters friends are all on the computer chatting, it may be harder to do that, OR, it may be your PERFECT tool in creating suspense. Since the main character isn't there in person, he will be in anticipation, waiting to see if the guys friend hasn't disappeared, if you understand my meaning. Also, since this is in first person, there are some important details that should be in the story. To really get into the character, we should know what he can see and hear, as well as what he feels about certain things. How does he act towards certain news? How he acts is important to showing the readers how he feels, and not just telling us it. What was the character even doing? It was hard to visualize the surrounds, or even the people themselves, which can be a hard thing being in first person, since the one telling the story wouldn't just describe themselves and their features, but there are always ways. From the prologue, I can tell that you are great with descriptions, that is what I would have liked to see in this first chapter. I already know you can use them well, I would have loved to see you use descriptions to your full potential. Without those descriptions, sometimes, as the reader, it gets hard to know where the character is. I presume he is in his room in front of a computer or laptop, but I can't see him there.What does his room look like? If he is staring at a screen, what's on the screen? I had no idea they were even in a raid until it was mentioned, but when it was, it wasn't that important anyway because it was only mentioned in a few sentences. Another thing I would like to mention, would be a quote that I am beginning to tell everyone I write a comment to. It is a quote from my English teacher. She always told us 'Quality over Quantity'. Two similar words, but with different meanings. No one cares how much a person writes. Sure, sometimes people on here want you to publish a chapter quicker, but that means nothing if you don't take the time to make the chapter good. I for one, would rather follow a good story that gets slow updates, then read a terrible story with updates everyday. Basically, everyone should follow the 'Quality over Quantity', and take their time with their writing to make sure every chapter has the same amount of dedication and time put into it, making every chapter, your own masterpiece. It makes sense that quality would be more important then how much and how fast you write, so I am telling other writers that quantity doesn't matter as long as its good.
Well now, my comment is getting close to an end, haha, but first, there was one other thing to mention. It isn't as important, but I thought I'd mention it anyway. The news article that the main character was directed to after he was given the link. ‘Twenty bodies had turned up with wounds of unknown origin in the US alone, three more in France and one in the UK.’ I think this should have been in apostrophes since he was reading it and basically quoting what it said in his mind. Putting it in apostrophes would have separated what he was reading, from this ‘Startled by this discovery I fell to the floor with a crash, that I'm sure they heard, and still no one spoke.' As I said before, its not that important, but I just thought I'd mention it anyway. Other than everything I mentioned, I actually did like your prologue and first chapter. It wasn't that bad, and it does have my interest, making me want to read more to find out what happens next, I did like this story. This is like, the longest comment I have ever given someone, and it took all day, so I really hope you actually like it. Great job.

I think, since this is just a prologue, I'm going to read the first chapter as well and give you my huge comment then with advice and everything. This was quite short, and even though I already know a few things I'm going to say, my comment won't be very big unless I read chapter one as well. Anyway, this is a very good start, and I'm going to read the first chapter. You'll be seeing a big comment in a few hours, hahaha :) Great job :D

Nice development. And the continued lessons. It's great you don't suddenly have them "know everything" - they are still in many ways merely students. I also love your gift for names. The places are real - their names "believable", just are the names of your characters.
Beautiful chapter.