Relationships between men and women

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a humorous look at how relationships between men and women develop and how different people behave....if anyone had read P.G.WODEHOUSE....this is definitely a tribute to his way of writing....

Submitted: January 06, 2013

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Submitted: January 06, 2013








Berties house was perched on a precipice that overlooked the ocean. From his room at the second floor, he could watch the waves thundering in onto the shore. He saw yachts and schooners bobbing up and down in the distance. The seagulls were busy flying around. Bertie watched the sun coming out. The skies were lighting up as the sun slowly appeared onto the horizon.

His aunt Rosie and her silly daughter Rozeena had just come over from Manchester to visit them. They were going to be there for the whole week. Rozeena had bought along with her a most pretty and delightful friend named Annie and for Bertie it had been love at first sight.

His cousin Rozeena was very petite and yet the huge head upon the small and slender frame looked most ungainly. After repeated face lifts and nose surgeries to improve her looks, Rozeena still didn’t look attractive. It was a manly face at best and the hoarse voice made her look and sound so masculine. In contrast Annie, looked like a Barbie Doll. She was simply out of this world. Bertie had not been able to take his eyes off her. And everyone seemed to have noticed the magical effect that she had upon Bertie. 

Bertie’s aunt Rosie was an obese woman who had lost her husband to cancer a year ago. She must have been in her late sixties and even now the way she dressed, walked and carried herself out made her look most charming and elegant. Too bad that some of her genes and looks had not been transferred to her daughter. Even late Brigadier Norman Yates had been quite a handsome man.

It was difficult to fathom where Rozeena got her insipid looks from. Her nasal twang and her heavy masculine voice made her look all the more unattractive. Even the chin bore a few hairs and it made her look even manlier. Perhaps this was why she had not married though she was forty years old.

Bertie’s dad, Colonel Sanders soon joined them. He hugged Rosie and Rozeena and welcomed them all. He had just come back from his early morning walk. Like Bertie, he seemed to be quite taken in by the beauty of Annie. During the course of conversation, Annie finally broke the silence and took center stage. She had apparently befriended Rozeena during their college days and the friendship had been cemented forever. Bertie hadn’t expected a low and squeaky voice from someone so beautiful. She was a nurse working at a hospital somewhere in Manchester. Her parents had passed away about three years back and she had been living with her elder brother and family ever since.

It pleased Bertie to learn that she was yet single and not married. Was she up for the taking? He was just thinking about this when Aunt Rosie suggested that Bertie take Rozeena and Annie out for a walk. However Rozeena let them know that she was not feeling well and that she could not go. Now that left Annie who looked up at Bertie with her imploring blue eyes. So Bertie invited Annie who concurred and so they went out for a walk.

Though the sun was out, the wind was still quite chilly. There was a small sandy path that descended to the sandy beach below. Out in the sun, Bertie gazed upon Annie and felt a sudden exhilaration to be with someone so beautiful. At 5 ft 7 inches, Annie was slender and quite curvy as well. With sandy brown long hair, those big almond eyes, a delicate pointed nose and big pouting lips, she was an exquisite female specimen.

Annie found Bertie to be a nice individual. Though he was slightly shy but the sad and sullen eyes on that handsome face gave him a slightly boyish look. He appeared to be quite soft: someone with a wonderful heart. She felt nice to be in his company.

Of course the feeling was mutual. As they finally descended onto the sandy beach below, they made their way towards the sea. Though it was 11am in the morning, a number of men, women and children were now present on the beach. Some were bathing in the ocean, some were basking in the sun and others were busy in different activities.

Annie looked up at Bertie and smiled at him. She gently squeezed his hand. Bertie looked at her coyly out of a corner of his eye. And then he stooped and kissed her on the cheek. Passion flowed, the feelings surged as they held each other and they were busy kissing one another when a familiar voice bought rudely abrupted their romance.  Clad in a tight fit swim suit, Rozeena made her way towards them. She wore a pair of Armani sunglasses. Both Bertie and Annie were disappointed but they did not show that.


‘Am I intruding’, she said in a gruff hoarse voice.

‘No certainly not’, replied Annie. ‘We are happy to see you here’.

Rozeena looked towards Bertie and said ‘You look stung. Aren’t you happy to see me?’

Bertie looked at her rather distastefully before replying ‘No, not really’.

Rozeena glared at him for a while and walked away with Annie trying to console her.

Bertie had never got along with Rozeena who was about two years older than him. Though they were cousins but they were so different. She had been a tom boy for most of her life; had it not been for her bosoms, she would have passed for a boy. Her aggressive nature, fearsome temper and tantrums were already well known throughout the family. And there had been a phase and patch in her life when she had acted and dressed up like men. After psychological counseling, she had gradually learned to identify with her gender.

However as she had grown up, her manly appearance had scared away any suitors that might have been. And as a consequence, she had remained unmarried.

At college, she had befriended Annie. She had remained faithfully attached to her for she was the sole person who had looked beyond what she looked like or regarding the way she behaved or the type of clothes she wore. Annie had been a caring, sincere and honest friend. And Rozeena trusted her a lot.

Deep within her heart Rozeena had dreamt that she could find some man who could love her and care for her but that sadly never happened. She had even had facial plastic surgery on multiple occasions to make her a bit more feminine and attractive. Sadly no one had complimented her on her looks so far.

She had secretly wanted to attract her cousin Bertie somehow. Of course it had been to no avail. And now Annie and Bertie it seemed had fallen in love. Jealousy had suddenly surfaced when she saw Annie and Bertie in one another’s arms.


However here was Annie trying to console her.  Rozeena was soon her normal self. Even Bertie had walked up to her and put an arm around her. Soon the three of them were seen jumping about in the sea. When they tired out they headed for the warm sandy beach where they lay and bathed in the sun.

 In the near distance, there was a small café that sold tea, coffee, fresh juices and a wide variety of delicious sandwiches. Bertie had slowly made his way there. It had been the aroma of strong coffee which had pulled him there. However it was orange juice that he decided to have. He was soon joined by Annie and Rozeena.

Both of them decided to order glasses of orange juice. Annie decided to order a tuna sandwich and Rozeena wanted to have fish and fries.

After having consumed their sandwiches and having drunk the glasses of chilled orange juice, they decided to head back to the house.

It was a stone path that wound its way up the sharp cliff. The view around and about them was breathtaking. However it was not a sight that people scared of heights would have liked. The waves below surged on the sandy beach and jagged rocks below. From where they stood near the top, the boats appeared small and toy like.

By the time they reached Bertie’s home, it was already four in the evening. The sun hung low in the horizon. The wind had now picked up. A cold breeze was now blowing.

The door to the house was opened by the manservant named Holmes. He had been with the family for the past five years.

Bertie hurriedly made for his bedroom. After locking the door, he had a hot shower. He felt tired and the warm water soothed his aching muscles. After showering, he proceeded to shave his beard. He looked at himself in the mirror. Though he was thirty two years of age, the hairline had receded somewhat. However he still had a mane of flowing straight blond hair that fell upon his square shoulders. He had a rather angular face which held a set of deep blue eyes, an aquiline nose and finely shaped lips. It was a slightly tanned face at best.


Bertie hurriedly wore a white starched cotton shirt and a pair of black dress pants. After putting on his black oxfords and dousing some strong Calvin Klein perfume, he made his way down the staircase that led to the floor below.

In the drawing room, perched upon the elegant dark brown leather sofas were Rozeena and Annie. His father sat in a leather recliner smoking his pipe. The manservant Holmes had laid down four cups of strong tea and a plate full of sandwiches onto the rectangular oak table that lay in front of sofas in the center of the room. They were busy looking at a picture in the picture album.

 It was a picture of Rozeena and Bertie when they had been young children. Rozeena with her short hair, shirt and trousers looked much like a boy. Bertie was wearing a cow boy’s hat, blue denim shirt and brown corduroy pants. Rozeena had been eight at that time and Bertie seven.

Old Mr. Sanders was busy reminiscing over Bertie’s childhood. And over Rozeenas as well. At that moment, Aunt Rosie strode in wearing a beautiful off white silk gown. She had a beautiful diamond necklace that she wore around her neck. Colonel Sanders got up to welcome her.

 Bertie was pretty fond of his aunt. She had been very close to him. She now walked over to him and gave him a kiss on his cheek and then sat herself on a comfortable recliner placed opposite to the one on which Mr. Sanders sat.

There was a grand piano that lay in the corner of the sitting room. Upon much insistence, Colonel Sanders walked over to the piano and played Beethoven’s 9th Symphony and the background music for songs such as ‘Strangers in the Night’ which was actually sung by Frank Sinatra. He went on to play a few more oldies such as ‘Hey Jude’ by Beatles and ‘Imagine’ by John Lennon before retiring.

The music had really made the rather mundane proceedings a lit bit more lively and entertaining. 




Outside the clouds had rolled in. And the wind had picked up. A flash of lightning lit the moonless night and then there was a loud blast of thunder which shook the windows of the house. It was followed by torrents of rain. And as the wind picked up speed, the rain lashed the window sills.

 Holmes, the manservant, was hurriedly shutting the windows. Outside the wind blew at a great velocity and one could hear a whistling sound that accompanied it. The heavy blasts of air and the lightning really created an eeriness that made Rozeena rather uncomfortable. Even Annie, looked a little pale. In comparison Aunt Rosie, Bertie and Colonel Sanders appeared quite relaxed, calm and composed.

It was about eight thirty when Holmes appeared once again and announced that dinner was ready. So they all got up and made their way to the drawing room where there was a wide assortment of dishes that had been prepared for them. Roast duck, tuna, different salads, salad dressings and a variety of sauces had been laid down for them.

The dinner table was made of oak and was oval in shape. There were a total of six chairs. Colonel Sanders placed himself at the head of the table. Aunt Rosie seated herself near the Colonel. Bertie sat directly opposite Aunt Rosie. Rozeena was seated next to her mother and Annie was sitting beside Bertie.

Colonel Sanders was a good host and he was busy asking everyone to help themselves as there was no formality. Soon they were all having a hearty meal. There were jugs of fresh orange juice and plain drinking water that had also been place in case they were thirsty.

One could not help and notice Rozeena. Her plate was piled up with a large quantity of food. And she made a strange grunting noise as she devoured the food. When she felt that the knife and fork were impediments to her natural manner of eating, she took a piece of roast duck in her hands and began to attack it with a gusto and enthusiasm that Bertie had rarely seen. Of course the chewing and grunting noises that emanated from her were quite disgusting. And Bertie noted Aunt Rosie shoving her elbow into Rozeenas side. Obviously Aunt Rosie looked quite embarrassed. Even Annie looked quite perturbed. Colonel Sanders stared at Rozeena. By now Rozeena had stopped eating her food. She noted the stares. And she became slightly more wary of the manner in which she ate the food. But it did not end there. She started belching. And the noise and smell combined were awful. So bad was the smell that everyone decided that they move to the lounge with their plates.

Rozeena excused herself and went to the washroom. Aunt Rosie was embarrassed and angry. She had angrily ordered Rozeena to leave the table.

Annie looked up at Bertie rather invitingly. Bertie noticed her glances. However he was wary of his aunt looking his way as well. His dad was sitting right in front of him. There was no way of signaling Annie even though he wanted to be alone with her.

Bertie was a bachelor at the moment. He had recently graduated from London Business School with a Master’s Degree in Business Administration. He had decided to take the year off before looking for work. Though he was handsome, he had never been able to kick start a relationship with the opposite sex. He was a little shy and an introvert at times. And the few relationships he had tried at had ended abruptly after he found them to be romantically attached to other men as well. In his mind, the image of a woman and what she should be was all about being true to the man she was attracted towards her. His mind would often drift towards the time when his parents divorced when he was just eighteen.

 It had been a rocky relationship if best described. His father had been a stubborn man of principles. And his mother had been modeling most of her life. Her pictures had been splattered on the covers of fashion magazines and within them modeling different clothes and lingerie as well. Her morals at best were a little twisted. She had run into his father at a dinner thrown for the Duke of Rochester. It had been instant love at first sight for them. Two months later they had married.

Then the closet was bared as her past rolled out into the open. However Bertie’s mother, Helen, had reluctantly given up her modeling career. She had found her husband married to a strict regime of discipline and morality; something that she had never known. Though he was handsome and a gentleman he had a view of life that was so different from the kind of people she had been surrounded by in the fashion and modeling industry. Quite often the two would fight over Helens choice of dressing. Sanders had been most hurt when he returned home one day to find Helen wearing a transparent dress in the company of a person who turned out to be one of her lovers prior to her getting married. A fierce row erupted and Sanders had threatened to kill them both. However Sanders had let them off. Helen after that incident complied with Sanders wishes and worked to make herself a good wife. Two years after their marriage, Helen had given birth to Bertie. It had been a joyous occasion for both Helen and Sanders.

However much later when Bertie had turned seventeen, another extramarital affair between his mother and her lover, had complicated the marriage and ended up in divorce a year later. It was something that had been immensely painful for Bertie. However Sanders and Helen were still friends and Bertie was free to visit his mother whenever he wanted.

Bertie had excused himself and gone up to his bedroom after the dinner. He felt rather tired and he hurriedly undressed and wore his blue sleeping suit. He was busy going over his mail on the net when there was a knock on the door. That was unexpected given that it was nearly midnight. And when he opened the door, he was given an unexpected push as Rozeena hurtled inside. She shut the door and jumped onto Bertie smothering him with her kisses. It had been a surprise attack something Bertie had least expected. Somehow he managed to wiggle away. And Rozeena dressed in a dark silk gown that was quite transparent and revealing.

Bertie blurted out in a low tone “What in the world are you doing Rozeena? Whats got into you?”

“What does it look like I am doing?” replied Rozeena. “I am madly in love with you”.

Bertie looked dumbfounded. He looked at Rozeena, at her masculine face, and said rather carefully “Look Rozeena, I am sorry to say that I don’t feel the same way for you.” For an instant Rozeena glared at him, before she pummeled him with a flurry of blows. It was another surprise attack. However Bertie managed to ward them off and he slapped her hard across the face. The severity of his striking her bought her back to her senses. Hurling abuses at him and cursing at him, she left the room. Bertie locked the door from inside half scared at what Rozeena may do if he left the door empty. Where did this come from? How did this and why did this happen? He had to make himself scarce.

In his dreams he saw himself being chased about a demonic looking Rozeena. It was a nightmare at best and he woke up. He turned on the lamp. Looking at the alarm clock, he found that it was seven in the morning.

He suddenly came up with the idea of spending the day at one of his friends place. That would be a good escape. So he called up Roger, one of his best friends. Roger had been half asleep when he picked up the phone. He was pretty surprised to hear from him especially at such an hour. However he was eager to see him after an interval of two months.

The incident of the previous night had rattled Bertie. So that morning he hurriedly dressed up in a pair of Levi Jeans, a white shirt and a black jacket. He slowly made his way down the staircase half expecting Rozeena to be hiding in some corner waiting to pounce upon him.

Luckily, nothing untowards happened. It was eight thirty and everyone seemed fast asleep. Holmes was awake and rather surprised to find him up so early. Bertie beckoned him to keep quiet and told him that he was heading into the city for the day. So after consuming a cup of hot tea and three slices of butter, he got up and slithered out of the front door.

He had the keys to the Land Rover parked outside. Soon he was out onto the road making his way towards Rogers’s apartment located in central London. After half an hour, he was seated in Rogers’s drawing room enjoying a cup of hot tea with him.

Roger was a rather stout looking man with a bull dog expression. However his dancing eyes and the smile that he carried on his face made up for the rather insipid looks. He was a jovial fella. Roger and he were mates and buddies. They had been together at college and later on at University. Roger had landed with a very good job with VODAFONE. However he had not married as yet.



They had been talking about the good old days before Bertie recounted the previous night’s episode. Roger laughed heartily.

‘Bertie, you have always been a magnet for women. Half of the men would die to be in your shoes and yet here you are Bertie, you have always looked the other way.’

‘Roger, you know very well that I am very choosy about women’, replied Bertie. ‘I don’t trust them much. Not after what I have heard and seen of my own mother,’ he added.

‘Well not all women are alike Bertie’, said Roger. ‘They come in all their shapes, colors and sizes with different likes, dislikes and qualities. One should not generalize’, he added.

‘How about spending the weekend at my place Roger?’ asked Bertie.

Roger readily agreed. He packed a suitcase and was ready to go. Bertie rather needed some support in lieu of Rozeenas behavior.

It was about three in the evening that both of them alighted at Bertie’s home. As they strolled into the house, they were received by the manservant Holmes. They walked into the drawing room to find a rather dejected Annie sitting in one of the leather recliners whilst Rozeena was busy reading the newspaper in the other. Aunt Rosie and Colonel Sanders were not there as yet.

However the sight of the two young men seemed to lift the spirits of Annie and Rozeena.

Roger had gone so far as to hold Rozeenas hand, and kiss it telling her that she was a most exquisite and enchanting lady. Rozeena giggled heartily and her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. Bertie was quite surprised. It was surprising how men had different perceptions of women and their beauty. Obviously Roger had not enjoyed particular success in dating women of beauty and caliber. But here he was trying his level best to impress the ladies. His charm won him over Rozeena. And it wasn’t long before Rozeena was busy chattering away Roger as if they had been long lost pals. It had been a surprising turn of events.

Annie and Bertie now sat together. It was clear that she knew not of the previous night’s incident. But here she was, the first true woman that he had found so appealing and nice. They held each other’s hands and their conversation soon drifted over to what true love was and how hard it was to find.

They had been lost in their little romance when Aunt Rosie appeared clad in a flowing off white skirt. She had a ruby pendant hanging about her neck.

‘Oh, I seem to have disturbed this lover’s convention’, she blurted out. She looked around and seemed quite amused. Seeing her daughter heartily conversing with a young man made her so very happy.

She had hoped that Rosie could get married. And here was a possible suitor.

Bertie introduced his aunt to Roger. And Roger immediately turned on his charm and proceeded to kiss her hand as he told her how elegant she looked. Bertie noticed that his compliments had quite a magical impact upon her. She looked very happy.

Colonel Sanders strode in and was surprised to find Roger. However he was pleased to meet him. The young man had character. He then hugged Rosie and settled down in one of the leather recliners that lay there.

The evening wore on and they all had tea and sandwiches. Colonel Sanders sat down and happily narrated his experiences with women when he was young. He had been quite a romantic but he had been raised up to cherish and worship virtue and morality. As a young man he had been drawn in by beauty but after a few relationships with young women that did not end properly, he had come to the conclusion that outer beauty was not the only thing to look and aspire for; inner beauty and character were more important.

Bertie noted Rozeena staring at Roger as if she had just won a trophy. She was busy stroking his hand as one strokes perhaps a cat or a kitten. The predator had finally found a prey. She seemed to stare up at Roger like a small puppy dog looks up at his master. Roger looked like he had just won a million pound lottery. His face had a smile pasted on it for the past hour or so. Every now and then he would turn to her and give her a kiss on her cheek.

Bertie looked across towards Annie who seemed to be lost in his dads interesting stories. Aunt Rosie seemed exceedingly happy.

 After dinner had been served and they had eaten heartily, they all turned in for the night. Roger was going to sleep with Bertie in his room. It reminded them of the time when they had shared the same dorm rooms at college.

“She is such a marvelous creature Bertie my boy and if it were not for you, I might never had met the woman of my dreams”, uttered Roger.

“I am so happy for you Roger,” replied Bertie. “I hope that everything turns for the better for you”.

“Hey Bertie ole boy, I am surprised that you never spotted the beauty in your cousin” said Roger. “She is a sex goddess” he added.

“Have you been drinking or are you on drugs?” asked Bertie.

“Neither” replied Roger.  “Bertie my boy, I am in love.”

So Bertie left it at that. He was happy for both of them. Love was strange and fate had united Roger and Rozeena through Bertie. But what about him? Was Annie interested in him? Would their relationship develop? These were just some of the many questions that bothered him.

He woke up early next morning only to find Roger already up and ready to shower. Bertie smiled and said “It looks as if you cannot wait to be with her today”.

“Obviously! Such opportunities rarely come forth your way. I have only you to thank for being the agent that has facilitated the joining of two lonely hearts,” Roger replied.

In an hour, both of them descended downstairs and made their way to the dining table. It was about eight thirty in the morning. Colonel Sanders and the ladies were not up as yet. Holmes appeared and asked them what they would like for breakfast. Both Roger and Bertie had been deciding whether they should wait for the rest or not. However since they were starving they decided to have it without the rest.


They were both busy devouring the omelette and toast when Rozeena appeared in tight black leather pants and a white open blouse. It was something that neither Bertie nor Roger had ever expected. With black lipstick, dark mascara, and black nail polish, Rozeena looked like she was some gothic rock band member.

Bertie stared at her. She wasn’t wearing any bra and her tits were visible. Roger had never expected this. Though he was hardly conservative but even by his standards this was hardly an appropriate dress. It was Bertie who broke out saying “Rozeena it would be best that you dressed in something decent.”  And Roger voiced his agreement in this issue. Rozeena appeared to be stung. She was lost for words.

For a while her face looked as if she was in anguish but she left without a remark.

‘What was that?’ asked Roger.

‘She is desperate for your attention and affection’ answered Bertie. ‘She has never been with a man before. So you are special to her’.

‘Oh my God, Bertie, I never knew that someone would fall in love with me and I with her this way’ replied Roger.

‘It is divine intervention, that’s what it is my friend’ said Bertie.

Roger had a strange expression on his face and he appeared to be lost in thought and contemplation.

However the appearance of Annie dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a white T-Shirt caught the attention of both Roger and Bertie. She was extremely beautiful to behold and had excellent manners to go along with the looks.

‘Rozeena is redressing. That dress hardly suited her. I had advised her not to wear it but she seemed to be least interested in my advice,’ said Annie.

It was at that particular moment that Rozeena strode in. She was now wearing a long flowing dark silk dress. Her blond hairs were upon her shoulders. The hair had been permed courtesy of Annie. And the new hairstyle somehow made Rozeena particularly attractive.

It is strange how certain hairstyles change the way one looks. Bertie and Rogers both complimented her by telling her how nice she looked with the new hairdo.

At breakfast, it was decided that Bertie and Annie would be heading down to the beach. Roger and Rozeena wanted to be in each other’s company and so Roger was driving her to his apartment.

So soon Bertie and Annie found themselves down upon the sandy beaches next to the ocean. It was a warm and sunny day. A lot of people, young and old were enjoying themselves. Some were bathing in the ocean. Others lay sprawled on chairs under umbrellas snoozing or reading books. A number of ladies lay half naked enjoying some sun tanning.

Bertie and Annie sat at a distance from the rest near the ocean. They looked into each other’s eyes. Bertie stooped and gave her a kiss and Annie gave him one. Passions flowed and they held each other tightly lost in each other’s embrace hugging one another and kissing passionately. They lost sense of place and time as they held one another vowing to never let go of one another.

Meanwhile back at Rogers apartment the two love birds had at first had some wine and talked about their pasts and what they were doing now. Rozeena had been nestling in Rogers’s arms. It was Roger who had started kissing her which gradually gave to sex in the bedroom. The sex had been pretty wild with Rozeena licking him, kissing him and biting him before she became an animal and she started scratching him as well.  She nearly tore of Rogers’s private part during the wild sex that had followed. And Roger had been taken aback at the sheer ferocity that Rozeena expressed during their sexual encounter. When it was over, Roger rushed to the washroom. He looked at himself in the mirror. Love bites were one thing but the scratches looked more like bleeding gashes. He hurriedly took some cotton gauze and applied some Listerine antiseptic to it before applying it to the wounds. There was dark lipstick all smeared over his face and body which he hurriedly cleaned. He was soon having a much needed shower. Though the sex had been good but he had paid a heavy price as well.



Rozeena lay on the bed content. It was after quite a while that she had had sex. Most of her sex had been with male escorts. However she felt that when you had sex with someone you love, the sex is that much better.

Three months later Rozeena wedded Roger.  And a year later wedding bells rang for Bertie and Annie. Both of the couples lived happily ever after.













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