the bright blue sky looked beautiful. The fresh air was amazing, it was slightly cold but my scarf and jacket kept me safe from the cold, I wore a nice white jacket, with a grey scarf, grey jeans and black converse shoes could never get over them, as I sat on the bench I stared at the park an all the children playing there, specifically my own, my beautiful Chinese four year old girl came running to me at that moment.
I lifted her up onto my lap she had jet black hair , I dressed her myself in brown stockings, leg warmers a nice skirt and a polar neck jersey.
"You such a big girl"
"Daddy, why does that girl have a mommy and daddy instead of a daddy and a daddy?"
I knew it would come one day, now that it has I felt confident, I’ve practiced this answer even before she could speak over and over.
"Well honey, when a man and a woman make love they get gifts afterwards, gifts sent from the man upstairs"
I looked at her waiting for any questions but she seemed satisfied so far.
"When a man and a man love they have to sometimes get their gifts the man upstairs gives them a map and they travel miles and miles until they finally get their gifts, so you see daddy and daddy searched the whole wide world before we found you, you just a little different but that makes you all the more special doesn't it"
I gave her a long kiss on her forehead, she seemed satisfied no questions, I sighed with relief.
"I love you to bits"
I kissed her cheek on the right then the left then her nose, as she giggled and pulled away.
"I love you too daddy"
No amount of words could express my joy.
"Go look after your brother for me , he looks like his struggling with the swing"
She ran off I felt a bit hurt by how quick she was to get away from me.
“Emily, please don’t hurt yourself"
My nerves started setting in, I was about to get up when he came over and sat next to me. Handed me a coffee with chocolate foam on the top and with two sugars I wrapped my hands around the warm cup.
I stared up at his mature face, he certainly aged well, his mustache groomed his arms a bit wide,brown skin, nice round full lips ,his hands larger than mine hair all spiked up , he wore black jeans with converse shoes and a grey hoody that shapes his upper body well for a 32 year old he looked about 26.
He drank from his coffee.
"Emily just asked me why she has two fathers instead of a mother and a father"
He raised an eye brow.
"What did you say?"
"I said she was extra special because we had to drive miles and miles to get her"
A wide grin spread across his face.
"Eric were we selfish, sometimes I feel like the fact that they don't have a mother is all my fault, like I stripped them away from a normal life"
He grabbed my hand an squeezed it gently.
"They had mothers , that gave them away ,I don't know what their reasons were all I know is you've shown them love just as I have we have given them a home, we've given them hope"
I let out a sigh. He lifted my chin.
"You are an amazing person, the most amazing father and the most amazing husband, I'm the luckiest guy to have been able to be married to you for four amazing years, you are not selfish we are not selfish, yes okay things might be awkward sometimes because we two dads but hey we never became parents because we thought it was going to be easy we became parents because we could love these kids...our kids and give them the life we've always wanted."
I smiled, it felt like just the other day I was in his arms crying to one direction little things now I'm 32 have two amazing kids and an amazing husband. I stared at our hands and the rings on them, this is where I belong.
"I love you"
"I love you to"
He moved closer an wrapped his arm around me my coffee was empty an I placed both our cups on the ground, we sat staring at Emily and Lorenzo on the swing he was trying to push her an dismally failing.
"Babe it’s been ages...since happy time"
"Well what do you expect with the children, I'm so busy I hardly have time for anything"
"I've been busy to but I'm a man I got needs"
I laughed again.
"I'm doing just fine and I'm a man"
"Well you different u were celibate most of your life it’s not the same"
I laughed a little loud.
"Babe I dated you most of my life...”
"Yes but you know there are other things besides sex, that we explored now it’s getting a bit dry"
"I'm worried about the safety of my children and you talking about getting laid"
I looked at him and he gave me a puppy face.
"It’s only been a week Eric."
"It’s not that long"
I bit my lip. I didn't want to laugh again but he made it so hard
"Its like seven years in married terms"
"Fine maybe tonight we can... Have happy time"
He gave me a long kiss on my cheek.
He whispered in my ear
"Can you wear that thing you wore on my birthday"
"Mr. Samuels you so naughty"
"Well if I'm not who will be in this relationship"
"Kevin wake up"
I stared at Eric his voice sounded strange.
My eyes fluttered open, it was 10 am and my mom shook me up, it was the first time I slept for hours, I let out a sigh as she left in her pajamas, I slept finally! I got up brushed my teeth.
On my way to the lounge I went to my mom’s room for some details about last night.
"So how’d it go?"
"Went well he liked my clothing we'll be hosting a white ball at the end of 3 months , will have about 30 models the whole town will be there when we launch the line , I'm so excited"
I clapped my hands.
"Bravo mother bravo"
"And I met someone"
I hugged a pillow she sat eating her ice scream.
"His name is David his my bosses son, he does plumbing but my boss really wants him to come into the family business so last night was like a preview, David just ended up making fun of them when they left and he dared me to drink 3 cans of beer for 600 bucks"
I laughed, she looked happy she was practically glowing.
"He said he doesn't want to live with his dad because his too controlling and we have a spare bedroom that we not using... I could really use the rent....is it okay with you?"
I thought about it.
"Tell me more about him"
"His a plumber and he came back home to settle down he doesn't like the city and now his looking for a place and the spare room is just filled with junk...”
I let out a sigh. My mother sure had a way of hinting.
"Sure it’s okay with me I guess"
"Good cause his coming round about 6"
Before I could say anything she got up and went to go shower. I left her room made two coffees and came to the lounge Eric folded the blankets already he sat on the couch waiting patiently. I handed him the coffee and sat next to him.
We drank in silence, silence seems to be our thing we could sit quietly for hours and not be disturbed by it at all. He got up and handed me the cup.
"Don't you want breakfast?"
"Na I'm heading to the beach"
I respected that he wanted to be alone.
With that he greeted my mom and me and left, I got in the shower washed , combed out my wet hair.
My cell rang.
"Hey Kevin its Eric, to come with to the beach."
If he wanted to invite me he would have earlier, he must be feeling guilty.
"No I think I'm just going to chill at home for the day, maybe next time."
I heard nothing and then a sigh.
"My aunt won't let me go , she insists that I go with someone or not go at all please come"
I don't know if it will make things worst it’s bad enough I have had conflicting emotions concerning him and now a day at the beach.
"Cool I’ll be there 11:15"
That means 30 minutes to get done gosh I put down the phone , looked through my closet until I found a denim three quarter jean and a plain white T with a bright pink board shorts , flip flops. I put on the denim and the T and headed down stairs.
"Mom I'm going to the beach with Eric"
I kissed her and hurried outside before she started asking questions , I stood in the drive way towel in one hand , he came 11:10 , opened the door for me and off we went driving , the air whipping my hair back , Eric never said anything but I could tell whatever he was thinking of it was serious so instead of poking around in his head I stared at the moving images , it was unfair that my brother had to die , it’s unfair that I'm running from my father I hated life and I felt like God had abandoned me us my whole family I closed my eyes , it could have taken minutes or hours I didn't know but suddenly the car stopped and we were at the beach. Eric opened the back door and pulled out a packet filled with chips and rolls an hot dogs the other packet had a 6 pack of hunters in.
"I know , it’s my aunt she seemed a bit excited that I'm making a habit of going out.....with people"
I giggled. Grabbed the big blanket and a towel we walked on the sand dunes until we reached a spot the sand made a sideways c shape I put the blanket down and the towels together Eric wore no shirt he just wore his green board shorts I gathered that green was his favorite color.
“You going to swim?"
"A bit later"
He nodded and ran off the sun was amazing , I took off my shirt and my denim three quarter , put on my pink board shorts and stared a bit, I saw some girls from our school staring at me , I let out a sigh then I looked at Eric , the way he smiled when the water hit him , the way his back muscles moved and shined in the light most of all it was his eyes the pure joy in them not like when I first met him this dark clouded look as if he was protecting himself from me. I got up, walking slowly to the water when the cold water rushed throw my feet I let out a silent scream , I looked up and Eric was gone he must be under water , I walked deeper in till the water was knee high, who was I kidding I hate the cold as I walked back. I felt this heavy weight push me from my back , as I went under my body suffered a shock that lasted a second until my body readjusted to the water , it tasted salty I felt Eric’s arms hold me as we went under , he held onto me the whole time an then he pulled me up.
"Eric! you dick!"
I said gasping as I came up. He let out this childish boyish naughty laugh. I try to push the anger out but it was difficult when he laughed like that, made him seem harmless.
"Oh common it’s just water"
He splashed me , I splashed back then the war began I wouldn't give up he wouldn't either we splashed until my arms gave in , by now we were so deep in the water took me by shoulders, it just missed his shoulders , I swam a bit back till it took me till by my navel. I looked around and saw a few girls from school watching us.
“Maybe I should go"
"I don't want people to think you gay just because of me"
He let out a laugh again and then held me from behind.
"And what if I want them to think I’m gay because of me he whispered in my ear"
I rolled my eyes. His fingers trailed down my arms, sending electric pulses through me I didn't pull away, didn't want to give him the satisfaction.
"Kevin I don't care what people think of me"
With that he gave up the tease and wrapped his hands around my waist, my head rested against his neck. All of a sudden my eyes became heavy and everything went black.
I woke up with an umbrella covering me in shade a pillow under my head.
"Hey sleeping beauty"
Eric said he sat on the blanket staring at the orange sky the sun was a few minutes away from setting.
"I'm sorry...it happens rarely but I black out"
"No stress I heard you yawning so decided not to take you to the hospital, covered you up so you wouldn't burn"
He smiled I lifted myself up as my eyes adjusted to the light, I stared at the sky it always fascinated me it was boundless free it ran on forever.
"My mother use to bring me here every day , especially the days I'd be angry...she loved this place"
The last part sounded like a whisper that barely escaped his mouth for the first time I’m meeting Eric, I mean really meeting him. A tear escaped his already welled up eye.
"My twin brother died, I thought I wouldn't survive it, sometimes I'd be mad at God sometimes be mad at my father in the end all I'm left is with all this built up anger..."
I was breaking all the rules opening up to Eric it would be a mistake that I'd have to pay for later but right now he needs to hear this. I put my arm on his shoulder.
"In the end all I was left with was anger and pain...do you understand what I'm saying?"
He just gave a hollow laugh. We both stared at the sun as it set.
"Can I touch it?"
At first I got mad, gave him a dirty look.
I was surprised he saw it , must have seen it while I was out , he reached out an slowly touched my back , his hand tracing the trail from across my spine all the way to top corner of my right shoulder blade where a 5 centimeter colorful butterfly lay, wings spread.
"It’s beautiful...why a butterfly?"
I watched the sky, feeling a little self conscious because I knew his eyes were on me.
"My father was very controlling and in a way it represents the piece of freedom I called my own, its unique its soft and its free it symbolizes who I am in many ways"
When his soft warm hands left my back, I found myself craving it wanting him on me now, I imagined myself grabbing him an tonguing him and then I snapped out of it. As the sunset neared its ending we both had a smile on our faces. I wanted to stay here forever.
On our way home we never spoke about his mother or my brother, we let the sound of the radio fill the car while he drove I ate a hot dog by the time we reached my house, it was dark and I didn't want to get out.
"Thank you for today"
His face looked so soft when he said it I shivered.
"Here take my jacket"
I put on his white jacket he sat bare chest, hair slightly dirty with sand
"I want to know are you gay?"
I wanted to know, but most of all I wanted to stay in his car, the car’s engine went off and we stood in front of my house.
"Is it important?"
"Well I would like to know"
"If I'm gay I'd love the man of my dreams with all my heart if I was straight I'd love the women of my dreams with all my heart if I was bi I'd love whomever I’m with man or women why does it matter who I end up loving, when the act of love is all that suppose to matter"
I thought about what he said.
"But it’s a lot like asking for your eye color or your sex , although neither matters they all are characteristics of what makes you, you."
He thought about what I said.
"I see your point"
"So what? "
He gave a crooked smile.
"What do you think?"
"It doesn't matter let's leave it at that"
I could tell that there was no swaying him, I grabbed my towel, opened the door got out. I bent down to the window.
"I'm going to find out you know"
When his car drove away I couldn't help but smile a part of me could swear he was watching me in the rear view mirror.
© Copyright 2017 tainted innocence. All rights reserved.
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