Morning routines

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Eric and his roommates discuss their morning routines.

Submitted: April 21, 2016

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Submitted: April 21, 2016

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Eric sits in the lobby of the campus dorm with Ryan and Vanessa. Ryan is playing Clash of Clans on his phone and Vanessa is completely lost inside her head. Eric stares at the emtpy seat in front of him and sighs.

"She's late." Eric said outloud. "Again." Vanessa snaps out of her trans and looks at Eric. "What could possibly take her so long? The female dorms is like right ov-"

"Why the hell are you asking me all these questions?" Ryan asked. "Do i look like a teacher to you?"

"No, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking-"

"How the hell do I know where she is? Do I look liker her keeper?"

Vanessa shakes her head at Ryan. "No, it was a rhetorical question-" Eric went on.

"What the hell is a red orical question? Speak English. Do I look like a magician to you?"

"No, I wasn't talking to you directly persay."

"And now you're calling me a pussy?"

"What?"

"You think I'm some kind of cat?"

"Huh?"

"What kind? A Himalayan?" Ryan takes out a picture of three cats. Eric and Vanessa echanged confused glances at one another. "British short hair? Russian Blue? What?!"

"You just carry random pictures of cats with you?"

"PICK!!!" Eric points a gun at Eric.

"Oh. Uh, Russian Blue. I guess."

Ryan throws down the two cat pictures and holds the Russian Blue up and cocks the gun. "Russian Blue? You think I look like a goddamn Russian Blue?!"

Eric closes his eyes as Ryan puts pressure on the trigger of the gun.

"I'm still here too." Vanessa said, raising her hand.

Tensions rises quickly and Ryan puts away the gun. "Yeah, I can see that."

Yessica walks into the male lobby and sits across from Eric. "Sorry I'm late." She said, flipping her hair.

"What took you so long?" Eric asked.

"Oh just my usual morning routine."

"Morning routine? It's almost night."

"I never said it was a fast routine. Don't you watch those YouTube videos of how girls show people whatthey do in the morning?"

"No. Why would any want to watch-"

"BECUASE IT'S GOOD!!!" Yessica shouted.

Ryan and Eric jump out their seat. Vanessa flinches two seconds after.

"Anyway, I think that's what we should talk about today." Yessica continued.

"Talk about what?"

"Our morning routine, so everyone can appreciate how hard it is for us girls to look the way we do." Yessica poses. Eric and Ryan have disgusted looks on their faces. Vanessa becomes dazed.

"Okay, if we're seriously going to do this, who wants to go first? Yessica? Ryan?"

"Do you want to go first?" Ryan asked Yessica.

"I don't want to go first." Yessicas said back.

"I don't mind if you go first."

"What about me?" Vanesa asked, rasising her hand.

"We're not starting with you, Vanessa." Eric said. "I don't even think we're going to even do yours this time."

"What? Why not?"

"Because, the last group meeting we had, when it was your turn, all you said was you ate soup."

"But that's what I did. I stayed in my room and ate soup."

Eric sighs. "Okay, anyway, Yessica. You can go first."

"Okay." Yessica starts clearing her throat with an excited look on her face.

"Will you just go!"

"My morning routine goes a little something like this." Yessica began. "So I usually start by waking up in the morning. I usually wake around 2 or 3, but lately, I've been waking up around 11:15 because my boyfriend takes the covers from me and I get mad and yell at him and he ignores me and I cry for about 15 minuets, but then I realizes and say to myself 'wait, I don't have a boyfriend'. So I get over it and I head to the shower. That's where the real fun begins. I start by turning the shower on. Brush my teeth, brush my hair and brush my little bush that we have in the female loby and water. And by then, that's when the shower is hot enough for me to write my name so I can take a picture for Instagram and SnapChat. Then the real real fun begins when I do my make up. Now, I know most girls use lipstick, but I'd perfer to lip-dip. Which is something as interestion outside of Nevada. You basically put Friut Punch or any kind of flavored drink you want in a bowl and dip your lips for about 6 to 7 hours and then you're ready to do your eyes. And again, I know most girls use coloring sticks or facial makeup, but I'm not that typical basic bitch. So, I use crayola crayons or permanent marker pens. The last thing I do is apply flour to my face. And as I'm leaving the bathroom, that's when I always see my blankets on my bed move. And I start to think to myself and say 'wait, maybe I do have a boyfriend'. So I go over and peak under the covers and notice that it's not my boyfriend at all. It's me under there. And I realized that I was astroprojecting the whole time. So I just pull the covers off me, wake up, and do it all over again." Yessica catches her breath. "So, what did you guys think?"

"That was...long." Eric said yawning. Eric throws a paper ball at Vanessa and she wakes up.

"Awe, thank you."

"Okay. Who wants to go next?"

Vanessa rasises her hand. "I'll go." Ryan said. Vanessa puts her hand down.

"Sounds good. Let's hear it. Let's hope it's not as long as Yessica's."

"You trying to rush me, bro?"

"What?"

"Do I look like some kind of Russian to you?"

"Yeah, like a Russian Blue." Eric starts laughing, but Vanessa, Yessica, or Ryan don't laugh.

"I don't get it."

"Anyway, yeah. Just go and no rush."

"Okay. So, where was I?" Ryan looks at Eric. "Where was I?"

"Oh, I didn't think you started-"

"I wasn't asking you, that was a red orical question, stupid." Ryan chuckles. Eric looks at the ground with a confused look. "Anyway, my morning routine goes a little something like this. Every morning, I wake up. grab my phone and start on Clash of Clans. I harvest goats, towers, other building stuff. Boom! Then I jump to Candy Crush and beat my latest high score. The I bounce to Jurassic World and evolve my Tricertops to level 30. Then I jump back on that Coc and before I know it, it's night. Then I just do it all over again."

"So that's your full routine?" Eric asked curiously and confused. "The non-rush version?"

"Yep."

"Well, I guess we're done here."

"What?" Yessica asked.

"Huh?" Ryan said.

"We're done." Eric repeated. "And all I have is a regualr routine, not a made up one, like you guys have, so-"

"What about me?" Vanessa asked.

"I told you, Vanessa, we're not going to let you troll us again."

"But I'm not a troll. I'm a human being."

"Just let her do it." Yessica said.

"Yeah man, just let her." Ryan agreed.

"Okay, fine." Eric said out of frustration. "But if you say something stupid like eat soup, I swear to god."

"My routine isn't a joke!" Vanessa said in a seriouse tone. "Not a joke at all..." Vanessa clears her throat. Yessica, Ryan, and Eric become worried. "My routine goes a little something like this. Every morning, I wake up. Afraid. Afraid for my life. I hear gun fire from outside then I hear someone trying to break in. That's when I grab the gun I keep under my pillow and count down. 3. 2...1. I fire as soon as that door bursts open, before I can take a good look at who it is. As I see, I realized that I know this man. He's my father. Tears coming down my face like a waterfall being chased by hte TLC. That's when I get in my car and drive to my psychologist of ten years, because I don't know who else to talk to. I tell her everything and that's when she tells me 'Vanessa, it's okay. Because your daddy didn't die.' I say 'What?' And she tells me 'Vanessa, your father is sleeping in the other room.' I said 'Are you sure?' And that's when she tells me 'Vanessa, I'm your mother.' I don't know if I should feel happy or betrayed. That's when I black out. I open eyes and find my psychologist. My mother dead. I shot her. I hear police sirens and I get into my car. Tears running down my face like uncontrolably, like rain, and it blurs my vision. That's when an elderly woman crosses the streets. I slam on my breaks and hit her. An innocent old lady. I get out the car and approach her barly moved body as she whispers 'I forgive you, sweety'. And that's when I realized, this innocent old lady I killed was my mother. Tears coming down my face-"

"Okay, that's enough." Eric said.

"Hey, I'm not done."

"Yeah, I want to hear the ending." Yessica said. "So what did your tears come down like?"

"Oh, just like Ryan Renolds favorite drink."

"Oh, let me guess, like water?" Eric asked.

"No. Like Sprite. He likes Sprite."

"I heard that too." Yessica said.

"Are you kidding me, right now?" Erica asked irritated.

"Hey, don't be mean to her!"

"Yeah, bro, her parents just died." Ryan said.

"Yeah, all three of them."

"Is that really your full routine?" Eric asked Vanessa.

"Yeah." Vanessa nodded.

"So you're telling me that you kill three different people who claim they're your parents every time you get up in the morning?"

"Oh you mean morning, like when the sun comes up."

"Yeah. What did you think we were talking about this whole time?"

"I thought you meant mouring, like when people are sad."

"Oh, mourning." Ryan said. "With a U."

"That's such an easy mistake." Yessica said.

"That is not an easy mistake!" Eric said angry. "How could you possibly think that's what we've been talking about?!"

"Why are you always yelling at her?" Ryan asked. "She made a mistake, it's not a big deal."

"Okay, fine. I don't know how you could have possibly thought I meant something different, Vanessa. But can you please just give us an honest answer."

"Yeah." Vanessa said smiling. Eric, Ryan, and Yessica wait, but Vanessa just stares at Eric.

"Are you going to tell us?"

"Oh, right, yeah."

"Then tell us!" Eric yelled.

"What?"

"YOUR MORNING ROUTINE!!! WHAT DO YOUDO IN THE MORNING!?!"

"Oh." Vanessa smiles. "I wake up and eat soup."


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