It was noon, and I was coming back home after finishing my morning shift at the middle school job as a substitute teacher, one thing kept rolling in my head all the time though…how she will respond to the voice message I sent her this morning ? I was so sure about what I have said, I was disappointed and hurt, and I needed to tell her all what I have said, still a feeling of guilt and remorse kept torturing me, she has problems, and she’s sick…plus she said she was sorry, why insist on torturing her more? She already has enough…on the other hand; I can’t just lie and say it’s ok, because it wasn’t ok, I waited her the whole day, I was worried sick about her, I messaged her on Facebook and whatsapp, and even tried to call her on the phone, I had many scary thoughts in my mind, maybe she had an accident, maybe she got really sick, may be her mom, may be her cat, maybe she was kidnapped…eventually, she tells me that she was just tired and asleep ? The whole day? It was really hard for me to believe this…and even if she was, composing an sms doesn’t need a lot of effort, a beep is nothing, just let me feel you thought about me, you missed me like I missed you…really, she never did that before…and the problem is she used to blame me for the lack of communication between us…I was studying far away from home, and didn’t have time…but now that I’m free and have all the time, she’s not here.
I arrived home; activated Wi-Fi on my mobile, opened my laptop, waiting for any response from her…nothing…there was absolutely nothing, I waited and waited…still nothing…and every time my phone gets a notification, I think she’s her, then get disappointed because it’s just a new mail, or a comment on one of my posts in Facebook. After a while, I started to get really sad, not only because of her, but about everything happening in my life, she’s only the trigger…I started listening to music, contemplating my whole life, seeing faces of friends, family, colleagues, and without me knowing it, tears dropped , hot tears draw their traces on my cheek like a scar…my heart was bleeding, and I felt a sword piercing my heart, I cried with bitterness…never thought I was able to cry like this, but apparently, I was ignoring my feelings for a long time, I’m not me anymore, I laugh and smile in people’s faces to avoid losing them, because I was sick of loneliness…and forgot who I was in the process, but today I realized that if people don’t like me for who I really am, then better not like me at all…I took a look around, looked to my actual situation, and realized I was hitting rock bottom…why should I make it in love ? It’s no exception…once a loser, always a loser…
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