The State of Virginia, the Porch Reader.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Spin on an old inside joke between a friend and me.

Submitted: July 12, 2015

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Submitted: July 12, 2015

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She was always something of a legend. No one knew her name in all the years of her living and tugging in the apartments down the road and to the left. She would sit on her porch day in and day out, reading books and smoking Virginia Slim 120's. Her historic beehive hairdo and her sun tanned, leather face surrounded by the carcinogenic plumes of smoke from her offensive cigarette. She never said a word to anyone. How does she live there just reading books? Some say that she never spoke because she served in Vietnam and her mouth was disabled. Tommy Johnson always used to say that she saved a whole platoon of Marines by sucking off 200+ communist Viet Cong gooks in black pajamas. That terrible day resulted in her mouth shrinking like someone had dumped a whole can of alum powder into her mouth and stapled it shut. Whatever her back story, it was certainly a tale of true grit.

 
You could hear the click and snap of her lighter from a mile away. I wonder what book she was reading? The Bible? Mien Kampf? My mind was going 90 miles to nothing wondering what the legend looked like. My friends all say she looks like Dolly Parton. I couldn't be so sure, although the smell of Summer's Eve and stale Werther's original candies was definitely on the side of the "Dolly" speculation. What should I say to her? There was finally a view of her porch but the line of guys was long. I heard that she could indeed talk and that her mouth eventually overcame the horrors of sucking off 200+ angry gook dicks and expanded almost back to normal. I felt like I was waiting in line for a big roller coaster ride with a butt plug glued inside my ass. Slowly the line was growing shorter and some of the men at the front visiting with the smokey offensive oracle were getting dragged away. Was she killin' dudes? Why were all their pants down? Does she ever look up from the book in her right hand? Does she read and give these men a view into their future? I actually heard that she started doing these "readings" out of her fear of sleeping and suffering from PTSD from all the commie dong she had to choke on. Others say that she can no longer open her mouth wide enough for a corn dog, only to rest her 120's between her lips.
 
It finally was my turn. I was in shock after what I had just witnessed; after being close enough to see what was happening. I walked up to her porch and the sun caught the smoke to produce heavenly beams of smoke mixed with the sunlight. Her face and hands were weathered like someone had skinned Larry King and stretched his leather over her body. I tried to get a look at the book she was reading but the smoke and sunlight was too much. Her tits were just as huge as pumpkins. Probably paid for by the VA or some charity group but still perked out with a very inhuman touch to them. In the silence she totally caught me off guard and said in a very raspy and mean voice "So are you just gonna sit there and stare at my tits or are you gonna slide your dick through the gate cocksucker?" At that moment I could see that she had stroke a while ago on her left side. Her left arm could still move and her hand could still grab cocks. I nervously pulled out my sausage and slid it through the fence on her porch and without missing a beat, she started jacking. What in the fuck is happening? I quickly looked away and started thinking of bacon cheeseburgers or whatever was comforting at the time. Oh boy, I couldn't handle it anymore. With one last tug on my pecker I started cumming all over her book, her hair, her face, and her inhuman preserved perky titties. After I was done convulsing and screaming racial slurs, I gathered my composure and then she said "Get the fuck off my grass you dirty zipperhead!" I was in shock.
 
Walking back home my friend Danny was laughing. I kept asking him and he refused to tell me. Finally I had enough and grabbed him by his ear and said "Tell me!" Still laughing he said "That dick jacking oracle back there has been suffering from Alzheimer's for the past 20 years. She fuckin' still thinks she's in Vietnam man." "Guess you don't have to work in a nursing home to abuse Seniors after all."


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