I Need to Get This off my Chest.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is just everything I want to say, and for some reason I wanted to publish it here instead of keeping it to myself. Im tired of hiding my feelings and if you read this then at least you'll know exactly how I feel if you don't know already.

Submitted: July 10, 2012

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Submitted: July 10, 2012

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Ok...so where do I begin. I thought about everything that happened this past week on my way home yesterday, went over every conversation we had, every mistake I could of possibly made or words I shouldn't of said. I know you say its you and not me, I know I probably did everything possible to try and slightly change your mind. Try to keep you from making the same mistake twice. I tried so hard to save "us". I know I need to accept this and start the move on process but I'm still just kind of shocked, I never expected this. It was like I got blind sided. After everything we have been through I thought we were finally at that point of no return. Only focused on the future and done with being scared. Everything was looking up, we had a plan. I was so close to giving up everything I have here at home to be with you because you make me happy and that is the most important thing to me. I just want to live my life and be happy. I wanted to be happy with you. I had all these doubts when we first got back together. I thought for sure you'd break my heart again. I might have seemed fine but I was hesitant to believe that you changed and that you meant everything you said. You went a month or so with this whole new way of looking at our relationship. You were seriously perfect. And I let my guard down. I had a promise ring picked out for you...it was silver, two halves put together, the separation line was shaped so it looked like two puzzle pieces because in my eyes you were my perfect match. And instead of getting that I wanted to do something else, something I had been debating for a while and I felt like I needed to show you how serious I was because it seemed like you were worried about whether or not I would really move with you and thats why I got the scorpion for you. That is forever. You will always be a part of me, and that part will always love you. I just wish you felt the same. I wish that you didn't let your head distract you from your heart. I know you love me. I know you will regret everything you said and want me back again someday. I might not know everything about you but I know how you think, how you act during certain situations. I know how you react to insecurities about the future. I just can't bring myself to believe you're going to be happier by breaking us up. It is OK to have someone that makes you happy. I understand that isn't comfortable for you because you are used to being alone and independent. All the constant changes and moves during your life have made you a strong person. Always focused on making your life better. Waiting for the day when you can get out of here and live your life in the airforce and experience everything it has to offer. Not everything is better alone. We aren't meant to be alone. That's why it's a miserable feeling. But I'm sure in some weird way you think that when you overcome it you will be happier than when you had me making you happy. And I do understand how you see the situation. I honestly do. But I see it as you causing heart ache for the both of us, for reasons that you will regret. Maybe im wrong, and I hope I am. I don't want to have you regretting all of this the day I finally let you go. I wish we could have lasted a little longer...I really wanted to see how it'd be to wife up and have you for a year with no distance problems. But maybe you were right and we wouldn't of worked out....maybe this was just to get me back on track for my own life and enroll in school...make something more of myself why you work on yourself....maybe we will find someone else that is better for us than we were for each other. Or maybe years from now you'll be done with the airforce...and then it'll be our time, when we will be better for each other, matured...set with our own money, homes and conveniently in the same city...I could see that. I'm sure you'd see me as wife material by then because I wont be at home and I wont be at fresh and easy. I guess the only way I'll know is to let you go and move on. This time will be easier because I'm not mad at you...hurt but not mad. You were honest and sincere. We will stay in touch. I'm sure of it. I wish you the best of luck with everything you will face in these upcoming years. And I'll never say this directly again, but I love you Chris. And I'm missing you like crazy.


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