Curtain to the Past

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
It was unexpected when I lay my eyes on him once again after a long time. Ill-timed plus terribly ill as I was this ghost from the past (I mean him) walked cheerfully across that tainted curtain of that small room. That was the last place on earth I would want to see this phantom (or I thought he was at that moment) but he’s real so freaking real.

Submitted: December 13, 2010

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Submitted: December 13, 2010

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Curtain to the Past

 

It was the 9th of December the wind is a little bit cold when my sisters brought me to a hospital’s emergency room. On our way I was joggling on the top of my head two things, first: I don’t want to undergo another operation for everybody knows Christmas is approaching and it’s costly to spend a day or week in the hospital how much more if it’s an operation. Second: I’m thinking of my sister that I don’t want to leave her another heavy problem. I was also thinking just a little thinking that I might see him again because I know for a fact that he works in that hospital (oh that makes three things I’m sorry I think I left my math somewhere) but, I popped that idea because as far as I can remember he’ll be working somewhere out of this country. 

As we enter to the emergency room I only feel pain. My stomach hurts as hell and every time I tried to talk there are millions of needle that felt like moving their ways to destroy that side of my body. I don’t know exactly how to describe it in a beautiful way of writing because that was an ugly feeling. Pain, pain, pain that’s apparent and that was I felt. Coming from a person who experienced unimaginable pain (or I only thought I felt unimaginable pain) I might say that there are different kinds of pain. Different degrees as to where you would not be able to measure what is more painful than the other but one thing is easy to tell, every pain diverges on the part of the body where you feel twinge. I don’t know what will you call it but I’m telling you how in pain I was and some other incident that’s bugging my mind since then.

I was still thinking things and lingering to the previous thoughts I already mentioned when out of the blue I saw something rather someone through my peripheral vision. It was unexpected when I lay my eyes on him once again after a long time. Ill-timed plus terribly ill as I was this ghost from the past (I mean him) walked cheerfully across that tainted curtain of that small room. That was the last place on earth I would want to see this phantom (or I thought he was at that moment) but he’s real so freaking real. At that moment I forgot why I was there and why in hell he was there. It felt like a dream.  Then I suddenly thought, “this place is where he works and I’m one of his patients today”. I could tell that he was shocked like me for he even asks me; “oh, what are you doing here? “And I only gave him what I can… one… weary… smile. I stumbled to get through my senses as he stumbled to walk through that little curtained room. Time stopped as though I thought it did and I held my breath for a second. I don’t know how to react. If only I’m able to see my reaction I would want to see it. As I look at him on that brief moment I’m thinking to myself; “awe that smile, that dimples, (who could forget that?) most definitely that personality.” A personality plus smile that is able to light thousands of Christmas lights all throughout the world (ok, ok I’m exaggerated so let me say it in my truthful thoughts). He is a person with a smile that is able to light thousands of lights all throughout the year here in my heart.

My sister came to check how I was feeling then I told her (not answering her question),he’s here let’s go home!” She just smiled because she knows who I was referring to. I don’t want to see him but at the same time I want too (I know, I know I’m a fickle minded just like everybody else). I don’t know exactly why I don’t want to see him and why I do?  Maybe I do know but I don’t want to admit so let me try to tell you the reasons I have in mind but bear with me as I try to state these raison d'être. I don’t want to see him because I’m not the same girl he used to know (well physically I’m not) but I must say my personality matured. I did gain weight and acquired cyborg like metal they called ilizarob on my right leg. As I write this I can hardly walk but I’m hoping as you read it I’m able to. That’s the biggest reason why I hate that we saw each other at that jiffy. I don’t want to look like a pathetic person.  Conversely, I want to see him because I miss talking to him. I miss his voice, his comical laugh, the way he looks at me; I miss his company and everything about this man. Although I fear that he could be someone else I won’t be able to recognize and the facts that I missed about him departed as he departed from my life long ago. The reason why we didn’t see each other and why we walked out in each other’s lives are another long story to tell.

As he came back to look at my situation he said, “how are you feeling?”, “does your leg hurt?”“Since when did you have that? (referring to my cyborg looking leg)” I told him, “I got this a couple of months ago but this is not the reason why I came here”. “I’m here because my stomach aches terribly”. Then he left to do his job as my nurse (I mean as a nurse). I couldn’t tell whether he’s aloof or worried but I was hoping he’s just worried. “Are my worries come into life? “Is he not the same person I loved? “, silently told myself. Yes, you read it right. I loved him.

We barely talk because I’m not capable of talking at that time and he needs to work. For some short conversations that we had I saw clearly as bright as sun and as bright as his smiles that he hasn’t changed. My worries fade but the love? I could not tell if I’ll be able to find the love I buried somewhere here in my heart. I peeped through that tainted curtain to see him do his stuffs. Time passed and I just stared at him as he tried to be the “angel of mercy” for the other patients. That moment at that day I saw a different side of him. As a person who is so caring, compassionate and medically gifted.  As I look intently to what he does I’m silently praying for him not to caught me gawking. I want to savor that instant as he does his craft. Time has come and the doctor signed my discharged slip. Luckily I don’t need to undergo another operation neither do I need to be confined. Before we left I remembered I gave him my new number hoping that he would text me.I also remembered asking him what’s his and he told me, “I’m still using the old one and I’ll never changed it unless my phone got lost or I get killed” and then chuckled.

When we reach our home I look at my phone and I saw his message saying, “get well soon, it’s nice to see you and take care always”. I can’t help myself to be glad and smile. I’m not expecting anything from him. I’m not even expecting for us to be the way we were. Seldom has he called and sometimes we exchanged text messages. One time he told me to listen to the song “Scientist by Cold Play” and after I did I asked him, “what have you done that you want to go back to start because there’s a line in the song that says something like that”. He told me, “take me back the day I met you so I can make things better”. Isn’t it sweet?  If I could I would because he matters to me he still does. His effect on me is the same as before but I can’t tell if it’s still love that rekindles since the day I met him again. I’m not certain if it’s like what I felt before he allows me to mislay my feelings for him. I kept on thinking” what ifs” but what ifs won’t help so I’ll just do what I have to do and that is to wait the right time for the two of us ( if there is) and I’ll let kismet do its part because no matter how hard we try to go back to start we irrevocably can’t.

 


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