Fall to pieces

Reads: 398  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 4

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Come undone

Hyped up emotions
Running from nothing
Cry alot
Hope you get something

Screaming at lovers
Crying to your mothers
Like destiny was unkind
You felt undone

Running from the truth
Claim its not there
Hopes and dreams you held
Stretched bare

We all claim were different
But again that doesn't matter
Love controls us
Not the latter.


Submitted: January 27, 2007

© Copyright 2021 TemplarBard. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:

Comments

Tesseth

Interesting...very nice.

Sat, January 27th, 2007 5:51pm

Saturday Night

Liked it, alot!

SN

Sat, January 27th, 2007 7:00pm

EdwardJBradleySr

TemplarBard:

Interesting message. Unconventional presentation.

Suggestions: See if you like them.

Verse 1: Line 3 & 4

Crying a lot
Hope to get something / Hoping for something

Verse 2: Resequencing lines may help to rhyme lines
2 & 4 and for a more effective presentation.

Feeling undone!
Screaming at lovers!
"Destiny's unkind!",
Crying to mothers.

Verse 3:

Running from truth
Denying it's there
Hopes and dreams, once held,
Now are stretched bare (mixed metaphor.OK for a poem.)


Verse: 4

All claim they're different
But that doesn't matter
Love controls us
And not the latter

It's your poem. Not mine. Please yourself first.

Happy trails,

Ed Bradley

Sun, January 28th, 2007 6:25am

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