It almost feels like I’m stuck in a deep hole. A hole that has no grip on the sides for me to grab a hold of and start climbing. I feel like there’s just no way out. This feeling that I get down here is something that I can’t control anymore. It’s making me do things, bad things. I don’t like this feeling. These events are replaying in my mind over and over and over again. I can’t stand it anymore. But theres nothing here… nothing that will end my pain… nothing that I can even end me. Everything is growing darker. I’m still trying to figure out where the hell I am before everything dissipates. Why the hell aren’t there any signs? Wait, there’s something……… it’s faint………. It’s almost as if it’s not there……… but its growing louder as this pit is growing darker. Now I’m scared. I don’t know what’s happening but I want it to stop. I just want everything to stop! I want this all to go away.
I’m wondering and waiting, and waiting and wondering. I’m thinking that if I could do it all over again I would. I’m thinking of the things I did that I regret the most, because now you’re not here with me in this situation. I drove you away, just like I drove myself away. In the utmost oblivion…… there’s nothing that’s going to make you come back, there’s nothing that’ll make you stay. I’ve apologized one too many times and there’s no undoing anything anymore.
This blackness is still going and going and going. I haven’t figured out where I am, but I know I don’t want to stay. But I’m in the bottom of a pit so where else am I gonna go… there is nowhere else. There is no other anything anymore. There is no going back to where I came from, no matter how much I wish it. I can only picture the faces of those who have been around me my entire life…… life… what is life anymore? When am I going to figure out what life I’m really living? I have no idea… I’m not entirely sure what’s going on anymore, although I haven’t been sure since I woke up… woke up… did I ever go to sleep? I don’t ever remember sleeping, and slowly but painfully these dreadful memories are coming back to me.
I remember you yelling, and I remember the tears. I was screaming back at you. I remember saying things I wish I could take back, but I don’t remember what they were. You were hurt. You were crying too. There was nothing I could do to make it undone. I told you I was leaving, and you followed. I told you I hated you that I wished you were never there. I was angry. I was only angry. It was only an emotion in the life of bipolarness. That’s all my life was, a bipolar disease. I made you hate me more than anything else in the world. I regret it because I wish you were here with me.
Why does it feel as if the walls are closing in on me? I’m almost suffocating. I’m running out of breath. My body is starting to compress and now I’m fighting to just stay alive; if I’m even technically alive anymore. It was starting to hurt me, hurt me in a bunch of different ways. Not only was the pain strong, but the pain that grew inside my mental state was making me uncomfortable. These walls were annoying. They wouldn’t let up, and I didn’t know what was controlling them.
I remember this song… it plays over and over again in my head about how she did him wrong, and about how he gave her his everything and she couldn’t even accept that. This song played over and over again as if it was on repeat on my ipod. I listened to every beat of this song over and over again as it replayed through my mind. I hear every note, every word, every syllable. It takes a great amount of emotion to get me to feel this way, destroyed, dejected, depressed. I was officially broken.
This time I was sure about it, the walls were definitely closing in on me and I could feel my body compressing and losing itself. My lungs were in so much pain, I could barely get my breath out of my body anymore, let alone taking any in. I’m feeling a lot of pain in my body now as the walls terrify me. I’m compressed and in so much pain, I wish I could just go away and not have to deal with this. If I was really dead, then why would I be feeling pain? Why wouldn’t I be in a place like heaven that would give me the greatest happiness in the world? I’m pondering these thoughts as I think these might be my final minutes…
I remember that day in history class we were laughing so hard. We were joking about the movie we watched, about all the stupid things that were in there, about how school movies are always so corny. We couldn’t stop laughing at the reenactments that were shown. It was a good day… but then we started talking about more serious things. What would heaven really be like? We talked about it for the rest of the class, and we talked about how heaven for us would be living with each other, and hoe we would be happy with each other and the both of us is all we would have, all we would want… all that we would need. But since that day everything’s changed.
These walls hurt. They’re like the sides of a cliff… they’re pokey and scratchy and everything and it just plain hurts. I don’t like it…… then the most random thing happened…
I was reminded of a song. It wasn’t just any song, it was my favorite song. It was “It Girl” by Jason Derulo. It was an amazing song and I used to sing it all the time. I remember singing it around you one time and then you took me into your arms and told me that I was your “It Girl.” I remember smiling like an idiot at that moment because I didn’t know what to say next, so I filled in the blankness with a kiss.
And just like that there was the brightest flash of light I’d ever experienced, and the walls were away from me. There was so much space around me. I reached out my arms and felt nothing but the air. The air was weird. Nothing moved… nothing stirred… I couldn’t even feel air molecules anymore. I was really losing myself in this place. I stood up and walked in one direction. It felt as if I’d been walking forever, and there was nothing there. I felt at peace for another moment stuck in this void…. Everything was still dark. I saw nothing. I felt nothing. It was weird… then there was this rumbling and I could sense the walls moving back towards me. I sat back on the ground as the walls were engulfing me. I was so afraid, and I felt the feeling of despair just leap inside me. I didn’t know what was going on once again, I thought that maybe I would eventually get used to this but it doesn’t seem like that’ll happen…
I remember that time you wouldn’t stop holding me as I cried my eyes out. My mother had just died in a plane crash after it was hijacked by some asshole terrorists and I was in so much pain, I was so devastated. I’ve never been so scared and depressed in my entire life until then. You held me for more than two days as I lay in my bed crying. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep. Days after that my dad committed suicide. Not eating, not sleeping, not living was something that was repeated all over again. I was a mess, and you still loved me, even when I was trashed, even when I was left all alone. It showed me how much I really meant to you, which made you mean even more to me. That day I realized that I wanted no one else in life except you.
I could feel those same feelings coming back to me from when she was taken from me, and from when he left me. I was pissed off. It should have never happened, but like other things, it’s something you can’t just undo. These walls were like those terrorists, trying to take me away, trying to torture me. I could feel them tightening once again, and this pain was coming back and even more intense than the last time. I finally let out a massive scream that created the most wonderful effect. The walls crumbled beside me. I felt strong for the first time in a long time.
I remember that time I conquered my first fear: spiders. I remember when I finally moved into the spare bedroom in my basement, I had my very own bathroom. Our basement wasn’t the best so there were a bunch of bugs, and I hate bugs. But I remember the time when my parents weren’t home and I had a spider crawling towards me on the floor. I was screaming and almost crying to the point where I grabbed a huge handful of toilet paper and piled it over the spider. I stomped on it viciously and ran out of the bathroom. I felt so proud of that day, and you laughed. At first I thought that you were making fun of me, but then I laughed at how ridiculous it was. A spider…. That was nothing.
I felt the strength flowing through my veins. My heart was pounding, and a smile extended across my face. I lay down on whatever this ground was. I felt a silence around me for a really long time. I was trying to figure out what the hell was going to happen to me next…. There was another sound… I realized it was the same sound I heard earlier… it was still faint but as it grew louder, the pain that jolted through my body increased. As the pain hit me like a pile of bricks, the walls were right back where they resided a few minutes ago. Now I was really scared. Again I didn’t know what was happening as I wished for it to end. “Someone please take me away from all this!”………I was shocked by the sound of my own voice. When I spoke it was almost a temporary relief from the pain, and I took a deep breath through this pause.
I remember that one guy who harassed me every day before you did something about it. He used to make fun of me for being ugly. He called me fat just because I had a little bit more chub than those anorexic girls. I used to cry almost all the time because he was best friends with the guy I’d crushed on for years. And one day, the guy I crushed on, crushed me, by laughing with his buddy. I remember running down the hallway and running into you. You talked to me, made me laugh, made me feel better, and ever since that day you’ve been there for me. You were always there for me… and where was I for you?... when you needed me where was I… nowhere.
I wish I could be there with you right now. You’re the only one that I want to be around right now. No one else relates to me the way you do, and I know that going through this pain you would be there holding onto me… the pain started up again and this time it constricted my breathing. It was paralyzing me and there was nothing I could do about it. The terror inside me is growing and it’s not pleasant. I’m not strong… I never have been. The only time I ever felt strong was when I was looking into your beautiful eyes, your two-colored eyes; fading from an inside ring of brown, to the rest being a beautiful hazel. I find a small bit of hope thinking about the way your eyes looked… but the hope is slowly fading as these walls are about to pop me like a giant icky gross pimple.
I remembered that time that I had that giant pimple on my forehead. I tried to use make up to cover it up as much as I possibly could. I didn’t want to go to school that day but then you came over that morning. You looked at it and laughed. I asked why you were laughing and you never responded. Then you walked out of the room and you returned with a pen. I couldn’t figure out what the hell you were about to do, until you told me not to be angry… I waited patiently and closed my eyes. When I opened my eyes I looked into the mirror and you made an excited smiley face with my pimple. At first it was so embarrassing that I almost wanted to cry, but then you took me and kissed my forehead. It was so cute that I decided to go to school after all… it was a happy time… almost as happy as we used to be.
If there was a place I would never return to, it would definitely be here, but then again, it’s not like I really had a choice in this… it’s not like I woke up one day and said, “I wanna go to this desolate place where there’s around except these walls that are trying to squish me.” I was in so much pain, this was worse than the time I was pushed through a giant glass divider and had glass weaving in and out of my arms and legs.
I remember the moment before I was pushed. I was teasing this kid I called Icky Ricky, because he used to chase me around the playground…. I was about ten at the time. I remember trying to run away from Ricky because he was trying to kiss me… why at this age he was trying to do that I will never know… but it was creepy…. We were running and there were these glass dividers that sat on the side of the school; they were supposed to replace something in the library, can’t remember what though…. But when I got in front of them I stopped, trying to catch my breath, and then along came Ricky. He kissed me on the cheek and then pushed me backwards yelling “TAG YOU’RE IT!” And at that moment I fell backwards into the glass dividers and they cracked and then they tore into my arms and legs. This was before my parents were dead, and I remember them being at the hospital with me. My mom had brought my ice cream and my dad brought my some video games to play. I miss them so much…
I finally thought that maybe this was going to end. But I heard that sound again and it distracted me. It was finally loud enough for me to tell that it was a beeping sound, but not just any kind of beeping sound, it sounded like the beeping from a hospital monitor that beeped every time someone’s heart beat. I recognized this because I was a big fan of ER. Either way this beeping was terrifying to me because I was afraid of hospitals, and that’s probably the only place you would find a machine like that. The beeping grew louder, and then there was a bright light. It wasn’t just bright though, it was blinding and it had me closing my eyes. I opened my eyes after a short while to see if the brightness had faded. I saw your face in this giant brightness. What the hell is this? Where the hell am I? This has to be a dream! You’re really here with me! I smiled! Wait…. No seriously wait! WAIT! Everything is fading back to black! I don’t want to go back! I wanna be with you! I want to be in your arms! Even your face is fading away! I’m back inside these walls. But this time it’s different. These walls are electrifying, as if theres wires puncturing into every inch of my body. How do I respond to this?...
I’ve been slowly remembering the memories since before I had woken up. I remember driving my car so angrily, crying my eyes out, wiping my eyes as I came around that corner. My heart was so broken this time. There was no more “us” anymore. Nothing would ever be able to bring it back, and deep down I knew it would be this way for good. I had messed up so badly… maybe if I wasn’t so stupid, I would’ve realized what was going on with me, and maybe if I wasn’t so stupid I wouldn’t have been distracted as I came up and around that corner at the top of that hill. That truck hit me with such a force that my car rolled and tumbled back down this hill, rattling me even with my seat belt on. I remember hearing the sirens and feeling the sharp pains as they moved my limp body. I remember nothing more………
It was at that moment that I realized I was never really dead, but it was also at that moment where I wasn’t able to breathe anymore. There was no more room for my heart to even drum. I knew at that point that this was going to be the end. This pain was so strong that it forced tears from me eyes. I didn’t realize I was crying until I was gasping for air. I forced every ounce of strength out of my body at that moment, hoping that, like my scream, I would be able to force these walls away from me, and it did. It took all my strength, all my voice, and all my spirit before I was able to push these walls away from me again. Right when I did that they bounced right back to me as if I were a giant magnetic force that drew them straight back. It hurt more and more and more. But it seemed like that light was back and I was looking into it. It was growing bright and brighter just as it did earlier and it was still blinding. But your face was back! It was another moment of happiness, but I had a feeling it was going to disappear. I waited there as your face grew bigger and bigger, and it was like I was watching you through a television screen. Finally I closed my eyes, but this time I wasn’t able to open them back up. I saw nothing but black this time. Although I couldn’t see, I felt the pain throughout my entire body. I felt nothing more.
I heard the beeping again, and this time it was really close, because it was loud. It was beeping at a steady pace. I listened for another while…is that…voices? Yes! There were voices coming from around me! I was so excited about it that I…tried to move… I couldn’t move. Now what the hell was going on? I can’t move, but I’m not surrounded by any walls or anything anymore! But either way, I gave up and listened to these voices. I was hearing fragments of sentences…. “She…horrible accident...boy…knew each other.” Finally the voices stopped for a while and then I heard a familiar voice. It was him! It was you! I couldn’t do anything to show my happiness to know how much it meant to me that you were really here. It was as if you were talking to a lifeless body.
“Hey,” you said. “I’m here.” There was a long pause. “I don’t know if you realize this but you’re in the hospital. You’re in a coma and I’m not sure if you can even hear what I’m saying.” You started crying. I could hear the sobs. “I’m really sorry about everything that happened. I love you.” Hearing those three words…. It was almost like jumpstarting a car… I wasn’t exactly a car but it meant something to me. It was able to make me do something that I never thought would happen after I heard that I was in a coma… I twitched.
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