I was finally able to remember it after the longest time. Him. He was amazing and the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever had in my life. We did everything together all up until that day…It was a horrible day. I’ve never been more down in my life than I was that day.
I specifically remember those Domo socks I had. They were so awesome and cute that I just had to get them, so I did! You were out of town that weekend and I was all by myself. I had absolutely nothing to do except hang out with my normal little group of friends of which I could hang out with when I wasn’t obviously with you. I was missing you and you were missing me, but we weren’t talking at the time. I was mad at you for some stupid reason that to this day I still don’t remember…but oh do I remember that.
Everytime I was angry I took it out on you and I still apologize to this day about it. I loved you and I still do.
Then there was that one time we went out to that place that I really liked. It was extremely expensive and you knew that I hated when you did that stuff. I always hated when you spent money on my because I could never do the same back. You knew that and yet I still loved that place! That place was like a small part of heaven for me! So full of tasty food, so full of steaks and sirloins that you couldn’t find anywhere else, and oh the salad bar they had! So delicious…. It was an amazing date for our one year anniversary. It was an amazing year we had.
To this day I forever long for those times back. I miss those days when we did everything together. I miss those days when we could do whatever as long as we were together. Together…it’s a strong word for two people who love each other. Together…it’s a word that represented us. Forever…just couldn’t last long enough.
I remember that one day that will be burned in my memory forever, our wedding day. It was a warm summer day, but we had it inside of a church. We did have the reception in an outdoor park. There was a pavilion there for food and whatnot, and there was a giant opening in the side where the band could still be sheltered, but still be outside enough (if that makes sense). Our wedding day! So much love went through us that day, and it was something that we were both waiting for, for so long. We went through college yearning for that day; we went through years of saving up money! We even waited for the right time…. It was a wonderful day. The band played our favorite songs and they played so many songs that represented us all through our lives!
Still…that day lives and replays in the back of my mind everyday that I sit here alone. It’s almost as if you’re still here…but you’re really not. It’s almost as if you could be the ghost sitting right next to me, but you’re really not. Sometimes I still secretly wear the necklace you gave me.
The vacations we went on during those days were magical. The very first vacation we went on was my first plane ride and I was scared out of my mind. You held me the entire ride until we made it to Florida. We went down to the Florida Keys and we had the most amazing time there! Of course, when we went we weren’t at the legal drinking age so we didn’t have as much fun as I secretly wanted to. But it was still amazing! But my, my, the time flew by during the vacations we took. I specifically remember when you brought me to Peru, by boat of course, because you knew how afraid I was of planes…but I remember you brought me there because I had always loved llamas and alpacas. I used to be obsessed with them! I remember you bringing me there that year. It was a magical time because I finally got to see my favorite animal! And you did that just for me. It was a fun time.
Those days were golden…I wish they would’ve lasted longer. It was some of the best years of my life.
I remember the very first time that we moved to a house together. It wasn’t really a house…but it was a house to us. In reality it was a small town-home, but that’s beside the point. It was nice to finally have a place to ourselves. It was a place we thought we’d finally have the privacy we’d wanted for years! It was our heaven at the time. But once life started getting to us with bills and our college debt, times were a little rough. We saved all our extra money to help furnish up our place. We did just fine. You were a bowling legend of course, and you were already starting to make money from that. Bowling was your thing and it was something that you were really good at. You were already starting your dream at becoming a professional bowler. You were amazing. It was like you knew everything about it. It was your life calling I swear, and even though it did get in the way for me a lot of the time I still supported it because it was half of your life (I was the other…). This place that we now lived in was amazing. It was big enough for the both of us, and even for another.
There are so many of us here right now probably missing you, but there’s no one missing you more than me. I wish you would talk to me…let me know how you’re doing. I would really like to see you some other place than my dreams. My hands have been remained empty all this time since you left and there’s no one who would ever be able to replace that. There’s no one in this entire world that I would want to replace them…. I am always forever yours, and I shall remain to always be.
Of course there were some bad times in our lives that we’ve both experienced.
The first time we broke up I thought we would never be able to make it back together. And I remember how hard I tried to get you to see that I wanted to change to be the person you wanted me to be, to be the person that you’d fallen in love with the first time. I wanted to be that person who would stay with you forever. I begged you over and over again for another chance. I told you many times that no matter what decision you made, I wouldn’t be able to just be “friends” with you ever again. It was all or nothing. We had too much history to ever be able to be just “friends”…and you knew that. I understood everything though. I understood that I hurt you, and how I hurt you…but never why I hurt you. I never understood anything I did with all my emotional problems…but you were the only one who’s ever looked past that. You were the only person who’s ever been able to help me and shape me and mold me and make me want to change. I thought that you were the one….
Our first daughter together was the greatest thing that’s ever happened. It was the beginning of our new family. It was something that I’d wanted to do with you for the longest time. I had always wanted to have kids and start a family. I didn’t just want the family…I wanted the meaning of it. I wanted the meaning of you being the one to create it with me. Having a daughter was the first step in creating a family. She was our pride and joy for a long time. Lea Maejule…a beautiful baby girl. Lea May (as what we called her,) was a very successful little girl. She was so full of beauty and kindness that I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect daughter. And then came along our little boy. Little Matthew Thomas…. Matt was awesome at sports (I think he got that from you). He grew up just as tall as you. My little girl, however, remained as short as I did.
To this day I still feel you towering over me. I can still feel you looking down at me.
I remember the way you used to love holding me. I was about a foot shorter than you were, and you kept your arms on top of my shoulders. It was the only way you were able to hold me and keep me close. And when we were laying down somewhere, you would still hold me, but I would lay in your arms and your arms would enclose me and surround me with your warmth. I enjoyed being held that way because it was the closest that I could be held by you.
I still feel your warmth elluminating around me. You’re here with me I know it…I know not in reality but I know you’re with me. I wish you could feel the love that I have for you. You’re the one person I would share everything with. You’re the one person who was able to calm me down whenever I was down. You’re the one person who I was able to spend my entire life with, until that day.
You died that day. Your life was taken from you, so it was taken from me. I miss you every day since that happened. I come out to this cemetary to feel your name underneath my finger to really grasp that this is real. I trace the letters of your name over and over again just to feel your spirit calming me. C…A…L…E…B. I can feel you here, almost as if you’re trying to calm me when you can’t. Almost like you’re trying to hold me but you can’t. Almost like you’re trying to love me, but you can’t. But I can feel it here…because I can feel you.
I love you, and I always will. Even though you’re gone I will still love you like I always have. I will always love your soul and spirit. You can never be replaced, and I will never stop missing you.
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