More Morbid stuff. I write when I'm depressed.

I don't feel anymore.

I've reached a point.

A point where I don't feel like I'm good enough for anything.

I don't feel like I'm worthy to exist.

 

When you sit around all day, doing nothing, because no one is around-

No.

No one wants to be with you.

You solidify yourself form the rest of the world.

And those who reach out to you are the ones who become dearest to you.

 

But they become the only ones there for you.

 

And each day, theres less.

 

 

I feel like a waste of space.

Existing is strenuous and tiresome.

I feel uncomfertable in every sense.

Unattrative. Undesirable. Humid. A boring waste.

 

If your work, your livelyhood, what you DO defines who you are, I do nothing. So I am nothing.

How do you go through the motions if there are no motions to go through?

 

Existing itself is strenuous and boring.

 

 

When you become that, the people who reach out fo you have a difficult time trying to be there for you.

Even if they don't know what they're there for.

Or if they matter.

 

But one day you stop caring.

 

You stop caring about everything. In the whole world.

Yourself.

Your family.

Your friends.

The things you do.

Everything.

 

Except for one thing.

 

Her.

 

She doesn't even know how much she means to you. She's not just a love. She's literally everything. She's all that you are. She's the only person that can break you from this cycle of absolutly nothing. Shes the only person who likes to be around you. The only person who makes you feel special, wanted. The only person that makes you feel like you are needed on this planet, that your existance is desired.

 

But you're not special.

 

You look at all the other guys she loves. Just like you.

The other guys who are cuter then you. Sexier then you.

So who are you? What are you to her? You're not special if she loves others too.

 

No. Stop being stupid.

 

So you try and be close to her. 

Love her in every way you can.

And shes everything.

She's all you talk to.

All you see.

All you want.

Just her.

 

And then one day she goes away too.

 

Then you feel the shock. The pain of how alone you are. The degredation of how pathetic you are, you have poured yourself completely into this one person, invested your entire being into one entity and then it disapears and so do you.

 

Nothing. Nothing at all.

You focus on your breathing. 

In. Out.

Thats all there is.

In. Out.

There is nothing left in my life.

In. Out.

Nothing but the cycle that keeps me alive, laughing at my misfortune.

In. Out.

 

Please, please just let it stop.

 

That goes on for 8 hours.

 

And then you see her.

Very breifly.

 

 

And she insults you.

 

 

And she ignores you.

 

 

And you start feeling like you've never felt before.

A new level of meaninglessness.

No more drive.

No more anything.

No more.

And theres nothing to do.

 

But is that true?

 

And you watch your breathing.

In. Out.

Haunting you.

In. Out.

Mocking you.

In. Out.

It makes you want to scream.

In. 

Out.

 

 

And then you find out why.

 

I want to die.

For the first time. I want to die.

 

Because even death is better then nothing.


Submitted: July 02, 2013

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