The Book Of Nonsense (Parts I-V)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This piece was (and still is) my training ground. I look forward to finishing it soon. I have 25 pages so far and 21 sections.

Submitted: July 25, 2011

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 25, 2011




by The Broken Armada

Part I-The Incompetent Warrior

Crimson blood dripped down the blade of Charles' sword as he swung again at his mighty foe. A man, or what appeared to be, 10 feet tall and covered from head to toe with ornate armor. Armor that was crafted from the bones of his many victims. Charles didn't remember how he got into this situation. Come to think of it, he didn't remember many things at all, not his childhood, not his adolescence. The man could barely remember the last year of his life.

Charles' foe lashed at him, Charles dodged the strike partially but was left with a small gash on his left arm..

“What do you want!?” shouted the beast-man

“I do not know, I beg of you stop. I found myself in the bottom of these sewers, I have been fighting my way up since!”

“Silence! You lie!” The creature's voice echoed throughout the large cavern they had worked themselves into between the flashes of sword strikes. The Beast raised his sword higher than ever. He crashed down onto Charles with a might unknown to him. His shield was crushed. Charles drew a second blade from his back.

“Okay sir. Two things have become evident during this fight, one, I am very quick to soil myself in the face of a blade, and two, I'm absolutely screwed.”

Charles turned and ran like never before, dropping one sword in the path of the creature.

“Hey, uhm, fatty! Look here” A voice Charles had never heard shouted.

“Aw, come on dude, I've honestly been trying to loose some weight, really I have-

“Not you moron, the monster!” He said sternly.

The man shot a paralysis spell at the creature and pushed him into a nearby bottomless chasm.

“What is your name?” Charles said

“Pablo, the magician.” The man said.

“Pablo? Your serious?”

“Whats wrong with Pablo?”

“Well its not exactly a common na- wait wait wait, how did you even get in here?”

“The door, I am baffled you didn't notice the door, better yet me walking through it. I'm damn near positive I waved to you.”

“It seems Pablo isn't pleased by my performance,”

“He isn't” said a new voice, female this time.

“What was that?” said Charles “Who is there? I'll gut you!”

“Well that wasn't very kind,” said the new girl “and I sincerely doubt that.”

“This is Penelope my archer.” said Pablo.

“Your archer?” Penelope said in a threatening voice.

“Where is she, I don't like the idea of someone who may not like me with a bow being out of my range of sight/

“Right here.” she said as she waved from a platform high up on the wall, and then jumped down.

“Well may I ask what the two of you want with me?”

“Just accept the rescue.” Pablo said

“Ah, come on tell me?”

“Shutty.” Penelope hissed

“I don't like her.” Charles whispered to Pablo.

“Neither do I.” He whispered back as they walked towards the door.

Part II-Dragon Envy

The three climbed to the top of the sewer until they could finally leave the wretched under-ground prison. Charles sighed. Pablo pointed to their mounts across the plains tied to small tree. They walked within spitting distance of it and gazed at the,/

“This, Charles,” said Pablo “Is your horse... sorta.” as he gestured towards the zebra.

“Horse? Pablo this is a zebra.” said Charles

“Hence the 'sorta'.”

“Well, Pablo, do zebras have some sort of magic power or something?”

“No, thats just silly Charles.”

“ Okay lets go.” He said following a hearty sigh.

“If it makes you feel any better, my mount is a giraffe. Hows that?”

“Just a little, what does Penelope ride?”

Penelope whistled and when the beast heard its call. The dragon quickly appeared.

“Oh for the love of- Ah come on, what the hell!?” Charles shouted in outrage.

“Yeah, it may have been a good idea to warn you.” Pablo said in a consoling voice, which wasn't working.

“Why the hell do I get a zebra, you get a giraffe, a goddamn giraffe, and she gets a dragon.”

Well uhm, its kinda complicated,” Pablo said “you wouldn't want to hear it any--”

“I elbowed him in the stones when we saw the dragon.” Penelope interrupted and then ran to the dragon and took off and circled above the two men.

“Why are you friends with her?” Charles asked

“Honestly,” Pablo said in a rather depressed voice. “I have no clue. I just woke up one day, and there she was, and I just said 'Hey, this is my companion now.' You have no idea how glad I am we found you.”

The party rode into the distance.

Part III-The Hunter

The group had been riding for a whole 15 minutes, it may not sound like much but it is quite the feat on a giraffe. Trust me on this. During this time Penelope has been napping on her dragon while it circled the slowly moving targets that were Pablo and Charles. It was about this time that it started to get dark and a shodowy figure holding what appeared to be a lantern became visible.

“Who do you think that is? Charles said

“No idea, but we should find out.”

They both shouted, “Kyah!” to get their rides to move faster but to no avail. This is the conversation they had on the slow journey.

“Should we name our mounts?” Pablo inquired.

“Sure I guess.” Charles replied unenthusiastically.

“Uh, I think I'll name mine... Haywood! Thats it Haywood. How about the zebra hmm?

“Uhm, I don't know, how about Muhltoe.”


The two rode on for another five minutes. Until they reached the man.

“Who are you?” the figure asked.

“Just travelers and who are you?” Pablo inquired to the man sitting on a creature unknown to his party.

“I,” he said as he swiftly took a drag from a cigarette and flicked it away “am Jim, the unicorn hunter... Hey can one of you pick that up for me?”

“Wait, pick what up?” said Charles

“The cigarette.” he said

“You mean the one you just tossed away?”

“Uhm yes.”

“This one right here?”

“Yes.” The man started to hiss his words.

“On the ground?”

“Well, what other cigarette is there?” He shouted

“Okay okay, but if you wanted the cigarette then why did you flick it away in the first place?”
“Dramatic effect, wasn't it awesome? I was going for kind of the distopian wastelander look.”

“Yeah, and don't get me wrong I mean you nailed it perfectly, but I can confidently say the effect is gone now, you have more than negated that bit of awesomeness. I mean if you maybe put it out on your arm first, that would be just awesome.”

“Yeah I was thinking that, but it really isn't necessary is it.”

“I suppose not.”

“Oh my god! Would you two just shut up!” growled Pablo, “Now, may I ask what it is that you are riding?”

“A buffalo. A winged buffalo.”

“Ahh, a creature that could fly would prove useful. Specifically one that isn't ridden by that piece of work.” Charles said pointing up

“Well it can't fly, actually.”

“Then why have wings?”

“Well, they're kinda taped on see”

“Ahh, okay...” Pablo said following a mighty facepalm. “Why not a horse... exactly?”

“Well, its a tad embarrassing, but to sum it up, there was an incident with my last horse and a party hat, and well, uhm me accidentally cutting its head off.”

The group laughed in unison.

“Its not funny! I should have known no unicorn would have a horn that said 'Happy Arbor Day.' Why are there even hats for arbor day?” he sobbed

“Uhm yeah, would you like to ride with us? We are stereotypically obliged to have a fourth member in our party.” said Pablo

“I... I,” Jim sobbed “I suppose so, I don't see why not. Will there be many unicorns to slay and mount on the wall?” he said still sobbing.

“Oh yes of course, I mean, I honestly doubt your ability to do the last part but I'm sure there will be many many unicorns.” Charles said

Part IV-What the hell was that?

The four rode into the woods. Penelope and her dragon had to ground in order to stay together with the group.

“Stop eating the damn leaves Haywood! Stop it!” Pablo shouted angrily at the giraffe.

It was night by the time they reached the woods and with the combination of that and the tree cover it was pitch black. The only thing providing light was Jim's lantern. The group heard a rustle in the brush and jumped in unison.

“What the hell was that?” Jim said

“I don't know.” Pablo said “But everyone stop moving.

A shadow dashed underneath the legs of Muhltoe from one side of the wood to another. The group was starting to get very edgy. It ran across and stole Jim's saddle bag. It tried to run across again and Pablo casted a stasis spell and caught it. It was a frightening creature. Short and thin. Clearly full of energy, it had eight canine teeth and the rest were rather sharp. Pablo handed Jim his saddle bag and they carried on.

“What is that?” Penelope asked, and she was rarely confused.

“I have no idea,” Pablo said. “but I have heard of an enchantress who lives in these woods who is an expert of all creatures of this world and others.”

“I've heard of her too,” Jim said “I've heard that she is a cannibal.”

“Do you want to find out what this is or not?” Pablo said.

“ I want to kill it and never find out.” Jim said.

I say we find out.” Penelope said

I second that.” said Charles

So a decision has been made.” Pablo said

The group set up camp in an alcove a few yards away from the road. Pablo's stasis spell was wearing off so they tied his brown arms to the trees as well as his legs with roots from every possible angle. The creature couldn't move but they could find no way of keeping its mouth shut. Even as they slept the creature made horrible gurgles and growls. Screeching to the moon or the stars or whichever celestial body it worshiped. These sounds filled the nightmares of our group for years to come. Sounds that no man should ever hear if he should wish to keep his sanity.

Part V-The Enchantress?

They woke in the morning, poorly rested and covered in bugs. Charles yawned.

Oh shit! Holy fucking shit!” He said as his yawn turned to screaming. “Everyone wake up!” he screamed while swatting the bugs off himself. The rest of the group reacted similarly. Except for the creature who, seeing as he could not move nearly screeched loud enough to break the sound barrier and cause a shock wave that temporarily deafened the group as well as knocking the bugs off of him, or it. As Pablo and Penelope untied him from the trees and retied him like a hog they made a strange discovery. The creature had a large “M” tattooed onto its neck.

The group rode for about a hour when they reached the tree where the enchantress lived.

“How do we get in?” Penelope asked.

“You be magic, like me.” Pablo replied as he cast a spell that magically knocked on the door painted onto the tree. Within a moment a real door materialized and opened. A beautiful woman masked in a dress like robe with a cowl stood in the doorway.

“What is your name?” Jim asked

“Her nAme is not important” said a bird that landed on her shoulder in a heavy German accent. “My name is Robin and I have been acting thRough her body for many years.”

“So you are the enchantress?” Charles asked

“Enchanter, why does everyone thInk that I am female? Everyone who sees me sees that its me, the bird talking, and yet somehow that doesn't cArry through.”

Yeah we're sorry about that.” Pablo said

You should be sorry, Now what is it that you want”

We want to know what this is.” Charles said taking the hogtied creature off the back of his zebra. It began screaming again.

Ahh for the love of god shut up!” Robin said “Hmm, Untie him for me.” Charles did so as Pablo casted a stasis spell so it would not run away.

Oh my! Well it appears you have a very rare creAtue here. I've only ever seen one before... I killed it, about 16 years ago. I have read that only one of these can exist at a time. What was it the book called it again?” Robin said flying onto Charles' shoulder. “Ahh yes, I believe it is called a Nico. Strange isn't it? The book said that whenever the Nico dies it releases a large amount of energy which finds a newborn child and takes hold of it. Altering its growth to become a suitable permanent host when it reaches puberty, then the Nico anchors itself in until the next time its about to die.”

That explains it I guess. What do we do with it now?” Jim asked.

Here.” Robin said, as he cast a spell from the puppet's hand onto itself, morphing its flesh bone and blood into a cage around the Nico and undoing the stasis. “I'm going to stay with you guys now. Im sick of using her body,” and he flew onto Charles' shoulder. Pablo pushed the revolting cage, which still seemed to be alive, inside and closed the magic door.

Your not going to possess me are you?” Charles said to Robin.

Not unless you die.” He said reassuringly. “Are you seriously riding a zebra? Dude watch this.”

Robin flew over the zebra to create some kind of magic vortex and made it awesome. The zebra turned all black with one horizontal curved stripe and two threatening horns.

Oh also it has powers now. So uh, your zebra is no longer a piece of shit mount.” Robin said.

For your new awesome appearance and powers I shall rename you Spectre!”

© Copyright 2020 The Broken Armada . All rights reserved.

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