Journal (I don’t give a damn if you look through here; I communicate through words not speech)
Whenever I look back at my life I see not a man but a goddam fool that couldn’t live or abide by his own virtues or values. He speaks of them and he emphasizes them to his family and friends, but he never meant anything more beyond those words. You probably don’t understand why I wrote that last sentence and neither do I. Right now, I’m just writing whatever goddam thing that comes to my mind and the only reason I know is that it feels good as hell. In fact, the only other reason I’m writing this goddam piece of work is because I’m frustrated and angry today and I don’t know why. Maybe I want a way to display myself beyond the normal circumstances of talking it out, but I don’t follow social order I’m a rebel and that’s that. I’m not a rebel.
I’m even angry right now thinking of what idiot in the future will come and read this and see only the underlying grammatical errors and shit. But I don’t give a damn, all I want to do is live a life without the social norms shackling me and gritting me at every turn. All I’m doing right now is ranting, ranting, and ranting and it makes me feel good. No one sees this side of me and I hope they never do; they all see me as some “ideal” student someone smart, nice and fun, but they don’t see this side of me, infuriated by society and wishing for an exit. Any exit.
Right now, I feel like a goddam hypocrite looking back at myself and whatever I just wrote right now; I told everyone how to live their lives, well they asked me how to live theirs. But, still, I ‘m an idiot for even giving any advice to them as all I’m going to do is ruin their lives and it pisses me off because I did. Actually screw that last comment, I hope they fail, oh god, I hope they fail in academics and in life. That sounded sadistic and cynical even by my standards, but I don’t give a damn I don’t blame anyone, only myself.
Am I even being true to myself right now? I don’t think so I’m just a teen pissed off at a world that doesn’t bring anything but pain and suffering. Geez, I sounded like a philosopher right there, but who gives a damn; I can sound smart when I want to. Right now we live in a world ruled by big government following Capitalism and I don’t know about you, but I don’t think our government can do shit. Sucking up our taxes and just arguing over one dumb bill over another in the goddam capital. But I really don’t care, let them do what they want as long as they let me do what I want. But, it isn’t going to be like that in the future I’m going to rule the world and no one’s going to goddam stop me. Be it my parents, friends or the stupid population of vagrants I’ll just keep on moving. We need a revolution and I sure as hell hope North Korea right now instigates some war, so our society can go and topple down the government. I mean that’s what John Locke stated in his Two Treatises on Government: People have the right to instill revolution if the government isn’t doing what is the common interest of the people. Well I guess anyone has the right to overthrow me if I become dictator but I’m going to be different I’m going to create a Utopia; a world envisioned by generation after generation stemming from whatever ideologies were in their day and mine isn’t going to be any different. So that’s why I’m destined to fail, not because I’m incompetent, but because I’m a fool. A goddam bloody fool that can’t see what’s right in front of him
Sometimes after having some bullshit talk with my parents I wonder “why can’t they just leave me alone?” I mean if I respond in a harsh and improper manner the only reason I ever really do it is because I’m either having a bad day or I just don’t want to deal with them. But instead, all they seemingly want to do is further prod me until they get the answer they want and if I don’t then I’m goddam disrespectful. That really goddam pisses me off.
If I ever get a kid I don’t think I’ll act the same way, but… Anyways even if I say that I won’t do the same thing to my kid, I probably will. Maybe it’s just the natural psyche of the mind or some form of scientific bullshit, but in any way I just don’t give a damn. But, I guess I really should apologize to my parents for being unreasonably rude on some days, but damn on some days I just really don’t give a damn.
You probably should know that my dad is only home on the weekends and when he’s here it can be hell, most of the times it’s not, but sometimes it is. So today I was editing a photo of myself -because, heck, society looks down on you no matter how you put it- and then suddenly my mom comes in barging asking me what the hell I’m doing; I ignore her, she leaves and then comes back again more demanding. Of course, being me, as a teenager, on a bad day I respond with a harsh closing of my laptop and then yell “Leave me alone, go away” and that satisfied me. Unfortunately, this was the case until my mom decided I was being rude and my father decided to back her up in the case. And that’s when I lost my mind; I just uttered bullshit grammar that didn’t get me very far besides making myself look goddam incompetent. I don’t know why or how they left me alone after that, all I know is that it inspired me to write again in my journal.
Anyways, thinking back from that little tussle, I guess my dad was just backing up my mother in an attempt to make up lost time he hasn’t been with her every weekday. And I guess it’s reasonable that my mother would respond in a blind fury for my indirect harshness. I mean, she does do everything in the household and still has the willpower to see us through to succeed and all she asks and wants in return is my respect; she deserves it. But, dammit, sometimes even I want my privacy.
To be truthful, I don’t want any of these fights -it makes me sad-, but hell these things are just going to happen again and again and I don’t have a way to stop them. I’m glad I still respect my parents and that they still love me and shit, but hell sometimes I don’t acknowledge that. It pisses me off that I don’t and it’s ultimately my responsibility to bear any of these misdemeanors that I do. But, shit, I sure as hell don’t want to and I’ll do anything in my power to avoid it.
I’m not mad today, at least I don’t think I am, but if I’m it’s only because of the frustration of having to wake up at 6 in the morning to go to a cancelled tennis tournament at some school in the middle of nowhere. But, I do know one thing for sure. I have a strange and unnerving feeling in my heart, gut or whatever strange location in my body. It might be depression or whatever, but I don’t really know; I wish I could figure it out, but I just can’t.
The truth is I know that I’m depressed but I won’t admit to myself the reason behind it. The reason is a goddamned one almost every teen boy has to go through, that, by now, it’s pretty much a rite of passage. And if you still don’t know what I’m talking about and you simply must goddamn know it’s asking a goddamned girl, at the very least, to acknowledge you and your existence beyond the mere nod. Yes, that’s the thing that has been bothering me for a while and it’s something that I can’t fix or solve by simply acquiescing to my solemnity. It’s also quite painful and morally depressing because I can’t get my mind off of the topic. I mean, it hasn’t been as bad as before, but now after some goddam nightmare/fantasy dream my minds been going out of control. (Read this quickly and forget about it) She becomes a prostitute, I pay her and damn, shit goes to hell as she’s doing it for her goddam brother for a reason she won’t tell me (Ends here). After that damn dream, I was in a daze that made me realize shit that I didn’t want to admit to myself. For the first reason, she’s 100% out of my league and I don’t think I have the guts, personality or looks to get her. Now, if you want to know how she’s like, she’s a goddamned person that demands respect. Though she doesn’t act like it at all. Instead, she goes around and acts like a goddam cock tease showing off her ass and flirting with every goddam thing that moves with a dick. And I’m fine with that, but not because I care for that sort of personality very much, it never gets to me. And the reason for that is I realized the pains she has been through. From what I learned, in middle school she was one of those nerdy, quiet, and dammed ugly girls that didn’t get any sort of attention. But, as time passed she became attractive as hell and to fill in that void of hers when she was smaller she started devouring attention filling her deep, dark, unfathomable void in her heart. At least that’s what I think. Now that you know about her I’m going to revert back to my situation. Every time I go and look up a way of solving this crisis the only result I find is “go and reveal your feelings and everything will be ok”. Bullshit. I’m only going to get rejected and it’s not only going to hurt me, but also her. It’s going to hurt her because she’s going to feel a pain in her heart for making a decision that hurt someone –as pretentious as that sounds-, it’s true. As long as she isn’t some cold hearted and contented bitch, she’ll feel some sort of guilt and that’s always going to be the goddamned case. So I’ll save her the pain and just suck up all this crap like a man. But, still, you never know. Things, usually, never work out the way you want them to, but sometimes they do. And if you lose that goddam chance right in front of your goddam face then you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. You’ll look back at your past and condemn yourself for being a goddam fool and you’ll always want to wipe it out from your mind. But, if you do take that opportunity and hold it close to yourself and at least attempt it; you won’t regret it as you know that at the very least you tried and that things couldn’t have gone any worse from there. Goddamn. Anyways, I think I’ll be bold in my life for once and actually attempt something. I mean, girls don’t like shy people so at the very least I’ll put up a superficial attitude and live a life of lies.
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