Secret Feelings

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I wrote this for my creative writing class. Pleas please PLEASE comment, as I would love the feedback to make this as good as possible!! Many thanks in advance!!
~The Eighth Dwarf!

It's a warm, late summer evening, and I can see a group of friends gathered out in the yard, just long enough after the sun had set that there was complete darkness. I can see a woman laughing and talking to her friends, telling stories and listening to them around the table, while eating their freshly barbecued food. Just as everyone seems to be too full to eat more, another person enters the yard, seemingly just arriving. The woman at the table looks up imediately, her eyes lighting up upon seeing who was there, transfixed. The new guest says hello to everyone, and the woman gets up to hug the person. The woman returns to her seat afterward, and the newcomer sits down in the empty chair next to her. They smile at each other, and when the newest guest around turned to answer a question that the person standing at the barbecue asked, the woman said something to this person that obviously went unheard. The woman's eyes seem distant and lost as she stares at the person seated next to her, a faint smile displayed upon her face. The person turns to the woman and whispered something in her ear, and in turn the girl laughed and happily watched as the person grinned, revealing dimpled cheeks and remarkably twinkling eyes.

Submitted: September 17, 2010

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wildspiritontheloose

Sorry it took me so long to check this out, I wasn't on booksie for the LONGEST time = (

Anyways, I like this = ) It's cute because if you've felt that sort of thing for someone before, you can imagine what the girl must feeling looking at the guy.
My suggestion would be to describe the setting more - maybe there were trees or flowers around them? I don't know. Just an idea = )

Fri, October 8th, 2010 7:36pm