Pt.1 Stereotypes. Pt.2 My family and my Uncle Bashir

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Us. People. As a whole.

My family.

Submitted: November 11, 2011

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Submitted: November 11, 2011






Black people Stop talking during movies.  White people stop dancing.  Arabs stop blowing people up. White people stop being scared and of Arabs and thinking we are all dangerous...We're not black. 


Look I've traveled a lot lived in many different countries.  Experience many different cultures.  I've been around the world and back okay. And I'm here to tell you I don't give a fuck.  I don't care if you're black, white, hispanic, asian, arab, indian, jewish, catholic, protestant, hindu, buddist, whatever the fuck and whomever the fuck you are..I'm cool wit it.  If you are cool and got love in your heart, then I'm cool with you. Just wanted to make it clear.  Now let me begin....


Black people...Stop. Talking. During movies!  Enough I've had it! No no no...Now I know you're laughing cause it's funny and we're doing the whole stereotype schtick and it's kind of it's not funny.  You wanna talk about stereotypes...the next time I'm at a movie and some muthafucka talks, I don't care if he's black, white, whatever. The next time that happens I'm gonna strap a bomb across my chest and blow myself up and I'm taking all you muthafuckas with me.Because if I can't enjoy the movie, you can't enjoy the movie. 


Seriously just shut the fuck up.Let's just watch a movie.


White people stop being scared of arabs and thinking we're all dangerous.  We're not black.

And please for the love of god.  Stop Dancing.  Just don't do it. You can't dance.  Eddie Murphy gave a perfect dead on example of how white people dance in Delirious. That was in 1987.  It's 2010 and nothing has changed. You are still doing that exact same dance. It's not working for you.


Arabs when you blow people up it doesn't send out a good positive message to the rest of the world.  People don't usually respond well to that sort of thing so I don't know...You might want to I don't know.  And I'm just going off the top of my head.  Stop fucking doing it. 


Asians... You got kung fu, fine ass women and even better food.  You guys are good.  Well you can't drive but neither can arabs so that cancels it out. 



Growing up whenever we would have family gatherings it was always yelling. Yelling all the time.  Yelling at each other when they were angry.  Yelling when they were happy.  Why are you kissing him now and were just yelling at him?!  Or sometimes you get the hand thing with the voice.  And don't even look at you.  And that's the worst.  Because then you just feel like an asshole.  THat says to me.  You are worthless piece of shit. IF you called me that it wouldn't have the same effect.  Cause hand thing is basically shrugging you off as a total waste of time and energy.  That you're not even worth a breath. A word. That's how much of a jackass you are.  And it doesn't matter how big or how small the issue.  You could be yelling at each other for hours about politics or how to cook the kibbee.  In fact it doesn't matter how old you are.  For example I was 8 years old.  8 years old playing cards with my Jiddoo. And I loved my Jiddoo very much as did he.  We were all very close to him and just a very loving funny grandfather.  Loved him very much.  But again I was 8.  So we're playing cards remind you against each other.  We're not on the same team.  And I played a wrong card.  Not wrong as in It's against the rules but more like it wasn't the smartest play strategic wise.  My Jiddoo,throws down his cards and yells at the top of his lungs, "Why did you play that one!? What's the matter with you?!" And as I try to explain my logic even though he won the point,  he goes. (Hand gesture.)  "Come on let's keep playing."  And in my eight your old mind I'm thinking, "Why the fuck are you yelling at me motherfucker!? I'm eight fucking years old!"


But with all that passion and vocalization and drama in a typical arab family you also get the flipside

  In Arab families it's always the two extremes.  Either very emotional, expressive, talkative, or absolute silence.  Stonefaced


Take my Uncle Bashir for example.  While all the commotion is going on ever since I was young. To this day you will see him in a corner or against a wall smoking.  Not saying a word. Just standing there. Smoking.  That's what he does.  He stands and smokes.  And he's a wonderful, genuine warmhearted man.  Everybody who meets him loves him and you will never hear nothing but a kind word said about him.  He's great I love my Uncle Bashir.  But he's the only one who smokes in my entire family.  The only one. And it's a big family. So he doesn't need to talk.  You always know where he is.  If it's crowded and you say "hey where's uncle bashir?" Just look up look for the cloud of smoke. boom you know where he is. And it's refreshing.  And you'll sit in silence with him and never be bored. He's that cool.  He's almost too cool.  I hadn't seen him for about 5 years.  From 15 years old to twenty.  That's a big difference.  I mean a lot has happened since then.  Uncle Bashir I'm a virgin.  Uncle Bashir I'm not a virgin.  You're a different person there are some drastic changes to you in that small five year frame.  So I say, "Uncle it's great to see you!  Wow it's been so long!  How are you?!  GIve him a big hug. Kiss on both cheeks.  He says, "Hello."  That's it.  'Hello. Good to see you." That's all you're gonna get out of him. And you know what it's all you need.




No but seriously folks.  It's amazing how true stereotypes really are. They can really define us. And it's wonderful that we can laugh about it. We can laugh at each other and ourselves.  Of course there are bad stereotypes along with the good ones.  So I've come up with what I think is wonderful and beautiful and should be held on to and along with that one you should let go. 


So I'm talking to my black friend John about this.  And I ask him, seriously man why to black people talk during movies. Now I wasn't being hateful, or trying to be funny, I was genuinally asking.  And it's not like I asked him out of the blue.  I mean we were talking about stereotypes.  And he looks at me like I told him I just shot his mother. And he goes what?! Well Nick how come Arabs are always blowing people up.  I said whoa whoa easy.  That's not the same thing man. THat's a whole nother level.  That's not the same league.  No fuck the league that's not even the same game.I said where did that come from.  I said that's like if I said, "Why do all black people secretly hate white people."  He goes....


We do. 


So he says okay then for real. What is it with white people jumping out of planes, bungee jumping, you know extreme sports.  I says well you know it's a rush.  It's for the thrill.


And I swear to god this is what he said.  You can't make this shit up. This is what he said, and I quote, 'Thrill?! Muthafucka give me a bucket a chicken, a Miller High Life, throw on some football and I'm a thrilled muthafucka!"

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