Sitting In A Square In Amsterdam (Be Careful Out There)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Truth, Death, and Rebirth. Life is for learning...As long as you learn from it. A bad experience can become a gift if you let it. Learn, learn, learn.

Submitted: November 10, 2011

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Submitted: November 10, 2011




All of a sudden the sky opened up and revealed with all its glory and a world with infinite possibilities.  Everything and anything was possible.  A world where there was nothing to worry about and no cause for fear.  That no matter who, or where you were, or what you were doing; you were safe.  Maybe not always in that particular moment but in the end, you were safe.  All would be well. Trouble or not, there was a hidden force, a guide, a God, an entity, or energy, and sitting here writing this list of names to try and explain it is meaningless. The best way to describe it is namelessness.  To give it a title would almost try to humanize it.  This ----- was there. Within and without. Watching, sheltering us under it’s wing. Just there right under our noses and above our heads.  Sitting there a stranger in a strange land among friends who at the time were strange to me, I never felt so safe and clear about, really, everything.  Everything just made sense and yet I thought about nothing.  I had not used one inkling of my brain to try and figure anything out.  I was sitting there and it just happened. Effortlessly.

Then as clear as the voice inside my head right now trying to help me express an experience that happened eleven years ago  as simply and truthfully on the written page as it was when it actually happened, I heard, “ One”  Now I digress a little.  Because this warm, resonant, if I may, God-like voice, said more a little more than that but I’m unclear.  It might have been, “You are one.  You are the one. We are...etc.  But the one word that I remember and am not hazy about is, “ONE”  So I will leave it as is.  I am no longer mistaken in my thinking on thing though.  I believe with all my being this was not a voice in my head. This was the voice of Consciousness.  The world’s consciousness.  I think I just happened to be listening.  My mind was open.  

As the words were spoken, all of a sudden in one great shot the clouds expanded and started turning purple, orange, green, and light shades of blue, still maintaing a gleaming bright white glow.  These were massive fluffy clouds turning rapidly like storm clouds except on a bright blue sunny day.  This happened for maybe a few seconds and then stopped.  With my attention weaning off this vision I began looking at the people around me walking in the square.  Parents with strollers, carrying shopping bags, men and women hustling to and from work, boyfriend and girlfriend walking hand in hand. Every single person had this mass of light sort of extending from the tops of their heads and just hovering there.  It was quite simply the oddest thing.  It wasn’t rays of light, but more like a halo of heat. White heat. Like a shield but not an aura. I hear everyone has a different aura. This was different.  Everyone’s was the same except some were more prominent then others. Like there were different levels.  Some “halos were more subdued or dim, like a candle on it’s last dance, and others raging like a furnace. 


The whole experience from that first moment looking up at the sky, hearing the voice, and seeing the mass of energy in the crowd felt like an eternity.  I was definitely somewhere else.  But in real time it was only about a minute.  I realized this later. And also realized that during that brief journey I had no concept of time.  It just didn’t exist


This mere glimpse of what I could never fully comprehend was one of the most life changing and profound experiences of my life.  To try and relate years later was futile.  People either didn’t believe me, I failed to give it justice in the telling, I didn’t quite believe it myself, or people just weren’t interested.  Especially considering the source at the time.  There was a long period where I might not have been the person to trust to relay such a story.  I stored it away, deep down in the chest of lost treasure for many years.  Pretty much all but forgetting about.  And now it has come back to me at a very pivotal and significant time in my life.  Eleven years later.  at time when I think I need it the most.  Not as a great story to remember or with hopes of oohs and ahhs or any response of fascination.  But in documenting this very  important event in my life and  to recall it in in a medium where it is impossible for me fabricate, exaggerate or lie,  (I’ve never felt closer to my inner truth then when I write) for the first time is to give it the justice it truly deserves.  And to do so in the same it happened on that day sitting in a square in Amsterdam. Effortlessly.  I will never forget this moment for the rest of my life and as I get older, see more, change, and understand more about myself, others, and the world we live in, it becomes more and more significant.  The memory and knowledge of it instead of diminishing is ever expanding.  Like when the eyes first touch the horizon. Drawn and compelled to get closer and closer.  


In that moment I something much larger, and greater than myself, and up until then what my small perception contained in the five senses.  Another level.  And yet I wonder how many more levels there might be.  If that...THAT was the tip of the iceberg...CAN YOU IMAGINE?! I feel very lucky and am forever gracious to have had this.  


There is one other thing I would like to add that might be the single most important point and reason for this essay.  What I failed to remember and say in my many feeble attempts to relay this story in the past eleven years because I essentially didn’t take in this knowledge of it at the time.  Up until recently it was more from the view of an ego.  “I experienced this.” This is what happened to ME.”  GOD spoke to ME. I Heard THIS. And, well think you get it.  Basically fell for the easy trappings and failed to see it for what it was.  Which makes sense that nobody would believe it because even though I didn’t miss the point completely and though I always believed in the significance of this moment, My brain didn’t know how to use it. Grasp it.  Tell it. I wrapped the gift in an old newspaper.  Instead of wrapping it carefully with beautiful wrapping paper, making sure there are no  creases, and the edges are neatly squared off.  Topping it off with a nice ribbon.  


There was a greater goodness there.  Not something great or amazing.  But just simply good.  An all encompassing goodness surrounding us.  Protecting us.  Embracing us. Waiting for us out there in the great beyond.  A peacefulness and serenity and goodness never felt before or since. And the voice?  The voice was...well...GOD.  And I don’t know how to explain it any simpler or in more detail than that.  Sometimes it just is. 


I caught a glimpse of the universe’s smile.  And it was quite a smile.  



Note to the reader:


I include this merely as a comment and something necessary to make sure the whole truth is out there.  However I do not include it in the main essay above because I feel it would undervalue the point and is not significant in the larger scheme of things.  Though under the influence of mushrooms, I strongly believe this was not an ordinary trip.  Would this have happened without it? No.  However it is well documented that it has happened through extensive meditation, yoga, etc.  I am not the only person to have experienced this and having said this, mine was on an extremely small scale compared to many others who did not use chemicals.  I cannot compare my experience to others. I can tell it how it happened.  The mushroom with as little I took, had a strong effect. However those few minutes are the only thing I remember that day.  The rest is gobbly gook. Mangled mush. A hazy recollection of mad giggling and what I call mind splatter.  The rest of the day was messy, senseless, and not worth commenting on further.  So yes I confess that unfortunately or maybe not unfortunately, there was an “aid” involved.  But the initial consumption where the mind was still fresh, It was real, organized, and valuable.  I witnessed and was apart of something beyond the powers of a little drug.  It was the tip of mind expansion and it made complete sense. There was nothing “trippy” about this.  The colors in the cloud weren’t trippy.  Nothing felt or seemed strange. In fact quite the opposite.  

Was I on a trip yes. But it was a trip of reality.  Of a heightened sense of reality.  A reality that is out there.  I touched it , I saw it, I heard it I felt it.  Later on, thinking I had found the answer I consumed massive amounts of mushrooms trying to go back to that place.  In effect I abused it. And I paid the price for it.  And then I saw the other place.  The darker reality.  Unfortunately that lasted a lot longer then the other place.  It was the exact opposite.  The body was in isolation and the mind was in exile. Yet you were still all there to witness it.  Trapped inside your own skin. A prisoner in a cell made just for you.  I say this to make it absolutely clear that while the drug was a tool, the result was a gift. Unexpectedly at that. A glimpse of what our consciousness is capable of.  The knowledge that everything in this world and who weare is essentially from a place of good.  And most of all there really is nothing to fear except fear itself.  However in witnessing the dark side first hand I am able to tell you that when the drug becomes the point, that world’s smile, in an instant can become a very permanent frown.  And the fear becomes fear itself.

Be careful out there.

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