Me and My Mama... The Cow, Hotdog, Sausage Story #4

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a tale of the day I saw a cow turn into a hotdog and then a sausage.

Submitted: September 15, 2012

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Submitted: September 15, 2012

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It’s 4:00am on a Saturday (for those of you who know me, my days start early…really early). I’m five years old and I’m in the basement of my mother’s house. What I am doing in my mother basement at 4:00am?Well if you give me a chance, I’ll explain it.

I see this table (Huge, I mean Huge as long as a football field – that’s 100 yards) with a white table cloth, some sort of a machine and knifes all over the place (I was thinking maybe we were going to practice throwing knifes at the wall - would you do it? I mean standing up against the wall, on a spinning wheel, somebody spins you around and then let some smuck throw knifes at you? – I would if the price was right).I go to grab a knife and my mom slaps me on the hand and says “don’t touch, it’s dangerous”.A few hours go by and I’m thinking why did my mom wake me up at 4:00am to bring me down stairs to slap my hand and say “don’t touch, it’s dangerous?”.when she could have let me sleep and then do that when I got up? I was five years old; I figured that’s what mom’s did. 

My mom is setting up for something.Next thing I hear is “Ok, hold on tight were going down the stairs”.I’m watching as my Dad and about 10 others guys are hauling something in a huge bag and put it on the table.The guys leave and my mom takes a knife and slices open the bag.I asked my mom “what is it?” She says “It’s a Cow” (with no feet, legs or a head).Ok… I remembered asking my mom for a pet once, but I’m positive I didn’t ask for a Cow – at least not one that looked like that. 

I was looking at it and thinking, “This doesn’t look like a cow.I remembered drawing one in school and I was sure it had arms, legs and a head but I figured it was early in the morning and the cow hadn’t woken up yet”. Well the cow never did wake up.I tried poking it, talking to it, shaking it and even sang to it – “Hey Diddle Diddle, the cat and the fiddle… “ but it didn’t work.I didn’t know how I was going to tell my mom the cow was dead?Well I knew how my mother gets sometimes (Ha, that a good one “sometimes”) so I figured I let her find out on her own.It didn’t take my mom long to figure it out because she had a knife in her hand ready to do something.

My mom said she needed me (that was a first) to help her get the cow ready (for what?...you’ll see).She spreads the cow over the table and begins pouring sand all over it (turns out it was spices) and I started sneezing like a son of a bitch (my mom used to much pepper).Then she starts cutting off a piece of the cow (Hold on right there, this is not Gross. What do you think Maple Leaf Foods do with there Cows? – pet them? - They slice them up just like my mom was doing so get over it). 

My mom hands me this huge piece of cow and I look at her and said “Is this the baby cow?” “No” my mom said, “Then what do you want me to do with this?”.My mom says “Cut it up for me in little pieces” (Ahh, I’m five years old, never used a knife and my mom wants me to cut something that a chain saw couldn’t cut).I said what the hell; I’ll give it a shot.I go to grab a knife from the table and my mom says “No, not that one and reaches behind her – in some sort of special pocket (she had no pockets on her pants), and pulls out a knife (not just a knife, it was a RAMBO knife!) and said here, use this.Have you ever seen a Rambo knife (up close, not on TV) Holy Cow is it big.It’s got everything on it – gun, saw, screw driver, hammer, lighter, nails, flashlight,…everything you’d need to survive in the jungle (and I was using it to chop up a cow?).Did I mention it has a blade? Well, it shouldn’t be called a blade; it should be called a Sword.This blade could cut down an Oak Tree with one slice. I go to pick it up and it weighted 20 pounds (if you were in the jungle and a bear comes running at you, how’s a 20 pound knife going to save you?).I had to use two hands just to get it off the ground.I know what your thinking… “Didn’t your mom say earlier don’t touch the knife because it’s dangerous?”Yeah she did but what does that have to do with the price of bread?. 

My mom takes the Rambo knife, spins it on her finger (I guess she was trying to show off), and shows me how to use it.I take the knife (thinking if she can do, I can do) and spin it on my finger and the point of the knife falls right on my hand (no it didn’t just joking – but I bet you were saying “Oh my God is he ok”)  I watched my mom and it looked easy enough.I grab the knife, my face is turning beat red (from trying to lift it) and I cut off a piece of the cow. That Rambo knife cut through that cow like it was butter.I could hear the knife saying “Come on kid, you got it! Your mom is gaining on us; let’s slice this cow into a million little pieces”.And slice we did, soon I was standing at the table with the Rambo knife in ONE hand spinning it on my finger (this time I really was, I took a hit of Gatorade – but don’t tell my mom) and staring at my mother who was still cutting thinking “Ah..what’s the hold up lady?”

Thinking I was done, I went to wash my hands and get ready to go outside and play.My mom sees me and says “Where you think you go?”“Outside, I think the cow is small enough now”. I said.Then my mom says “if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay where you are”.Did I go outside and play or stayed downstairs?If I was a betting man, I’d bet I stayed downstairs.

I really began to feel sorry for that cow because nobody would want him now.My mother calls me over and tells me we now have to take the cow (I know I should be using the word meat, but at five years old Cow was all I knew) and put him into this long skinning balloon looking skin (If you guys haven’t figured it out yet, we were making Sausages – Italians don’t buy meat, they make it).My mom explained that now we had to take the cow and put it into the machine (I’ll try to explain it, but if you get confused – just go to your nearest butcher shop and ask to see a hand operated sausage grinder).

It’s a hand operated machine that clamps to the edge of a table.The top has a funnel piece (that you put the chopped up cow in) and has a handle that you turn.As you turn the handle, the cow gets minced up and gets pushed threw a narrow tube (with the sausage skin over it – looks like a condom) as the cow fills up the skin, Voila – your making the best tasting sausages you will ever find.See what you did?... Now I’m hungry.I’m taking a break to grab a quick bite, I’ll be right back

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Ok… I’m back, man that was good. I had lobster and steak (I might as well tell you, I figured your dying to know)

Now don’t tell me this all sounds gross, I know you eat sausages so whether you like it not, that’s how sausages are made. If you don’t believe me, next time your bored, go visit your local Maple Leaf Foods plant and go inside and watch them make sausages.Don’t have a Maple Leaf Foods plant near you?... Well I think your due for a vacation, grab your bags (travel light though) – get in the car and start driving till you find one.

I watched my mom do the first string of sausages.As the cow was coming out (to me) it turned into a huge Hot Dog (who can eat a hot dog that big?... I guess we do, I was thinking).This is cool, I thought – now were talking.I tell my mom “Move, Let me do it” (I was ready to make the biggest hot dog in the whole world).I start turning the handle (it’s not as easy as it looks) and I’m pumping out hog dogs that would have put Shoppys (you know, the Hot Dog King) out of business.I could feel my right arm starting to hurt (from all the turning) and I tell my mom “Ma, my arm hurts” (thinking she would feel sorry for me and give me a break) and what does she say?...”Use your other arm!”.  

That Cow that was sitting on my mom’s basement table now looked like a 10 foot hot dog. I said to my mom “after all this work, I’m hungry can I have some of this hot dog we made?”.My mom says “It’s not a hot dog, its sausages and we have to hang it up for a few days before you can eat it”.

A few days later I’m in school and my teacher says “did anybody do anything special on the weekend?”I shoot up my hand and the teachers says “What did you do?”.  I said “Well, my dad come home with a cow.I took the cow and put him into a machine and the cow turned into a hot dog and then the hot dog turned into a sausage and I can’t eat it because it’s hanging up somewhere in my mom’s basement for a few days”. 

The Funny Guy  


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