The Horrible/Not So Horrible Morning

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
A day in the brain of a truly worrisome man.

Submitted: November 24, 2015

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Submitted: November 24, 2015

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"I think you'd really like his music.  He sings about God and stuff, but he also like isn't too Christian, you know?  Like he isn't annoying.  But yeah, I was wondering if maybe you'd go to his show with me?"  I sounded like a desparate puppy dog that lost his mother, and was begging for someone to nurture him.  Her eyes.  Oh God, her deep brown eyes were like fucking planets that you could live in for eternity.  They blinked once.  They blinked twice.  "I don't really like his music enough to go see him.  Thanks though," she bluntly stated.  That's the honesty that I loved about her.  Everyone else is so full of shit.  "Making plans," and "chillin' with friends," and "going hiking with besties and taking perfectly lens-flared instagram photos."  Elliot wasn't like that.  She told you what was on her mind, and what was on her mind was never predictable.  Much to my infinite sorrow, I'll never get to experience another moment with her.  I hadn't felt anything for two years until she showed up.  Good thing she doesn't give a fuck about me.  I wonder if my roommates would miss me if I died.  I mean, they used to be my best friends, and maybe we still are best friends, but they seem to have found a replacement for me.  His name is Samuel.  He's awkward and introverted, but more loveable and friendly.  I honestly don't know what I am now.  Just a strange form of a man.  I don't know how others percieve me and that freaks me out.  What if they just see this silly freak, trying to pretend he's an artist, but failiing miserably.  They all know I'm a hack.  I don't know how to actually write so I just shock.  I shock, I shock, and of course, I shock.  I hate that I'm so miserable and lonely.  I want someone in my life that makes my heart thump.  I want to not be afraid of starving in a gutter alone.  I also don't want to try with anyone because everyone is so goddamn terrifying.  Everyone is different, living different lives with their different personalities.  Some people like red.  Some like yellow.  Some people hate that some people like yellow.  I think Elliot hated that I liked yellow.  She's kind of a tightly wound Bible whore at the end of the day.  Her and her flat space profile pictures.  Get a personality that you didn't buy at Urban Outfitters, please.  Seriously, if I meet one more goddamn fake person I'm going to kill myself.  I don't think the roommates would miss me after a year.  Yeah it'd be sad for a moment, maybe, but really it'd just be more shocking than anything.  That's what I do after all, shock people.  People who don't know me have this weird idea of who I am.  They think I'm like cool, and that freaks me out.  I can't live up to their expectations.  I'm not anyone worth knowing.  Not for most people anyway.  I can't talk to more than one person at a time.  I want to get to know one person.  At least I semi-know what I want.  I think what I truly want is to live alone on a farm.  Maybe with a soulmate, if there is one for me.  I know I could make it work with someone, and that's really what life is all about, but every goddamn person that I find any interest in is already entrenched in some strange friend circle.  People are painfully normal.  They all smile and have fun and pretend to be nice and it's all very churchy.  Like why can't I accept that some people don't have to get over their annoying, evil, introverted natures.  Anyway, I won't kill myself.  That'd be dumb, especially if all the Christian afterlife shit were correct.  I'll just keep living and see what happens.  God, life is strange.

 


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