The Demise of Moffitt

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
THE DEMISE OF THE MOFFITTTHE GREATEST COVERUP
As I sit here in front of my computer, serenaded by the mystical works of Flying Lotus, I feel compelled to inform you of the events leading to the current predicament which I currently find myself in. These tales are in no way meant to be inspiring, coveted after, or in any way construed other than to warn you of the pitfalls full of sharp social and mental spikes society seems to often lay in our path. This work is not meant to be beautiful in any way other than the beauty one finds in the demise of another. This is completely non-fiction, however, names must not be mentioned for the safety of the people hidden behid the names. But enough with the poetic preamble. As an English teacher of mine once said, "No one likes the peas and carrots. They want the meat and potatoes." For these Meats and Potatoes, you had best prepare yourself with a ladel and a steak knife, for there's more than enough to go around.


Enter October 2012


It was the heat of Eighth Grade, everything was gravy. But who doesnt like gravy on top of their Potatoes(I don't)? It started out with what my friend (We'll call him Curly) would call a"flirtationship". Not quite a relationship, but a professed attraction for one another, with a girl who isn't critical enough in the story to be named. I begged and begged her to date me, but somthing held her back. After 5 months (May to October), it got old and I began searching for another romantic avenue. Introduced to me by rather unorthodox methods- her leg was broken and she got my number from Curly to text me and ask if i would carry her backpack- was the one we shall call Domino. Domino and I finally got together after a rare visit on my part to a football game of the team with the worst record in the state, 3 years winless (my school). The getting together process occured after heavy bargaining with Domino and the one we call Feline, Feline persitently telling me "someone else likes you but she wouldn't want me to tell you". Domino had a day previously left a nameless douche-baggian boy for the sole purpose of adding me to the slut-bag she called her dating repetoire. Everything was standard relationship protocol, except a recurring conversation was her history of other boyfriends, her heartbreak with said boyfriends, adn eventual fall into a self-harming behaivior, slicing her wrists with scissors. After one week, I received a text from a girl, lets call her Roadblock. she claimed that I was "Cute, tbh". She, not being half bad looking herself, had, unknowingly at the time, ruined my relationship with Domino. Me and Roadblock talked of thigs that were and things to come, and the possibility of an us. Now let me first establish, Domino was by no means pretty to the vast majorities, but to me she had a certain allure. Roadblock, however, was extremely attractive, aesthetically pleasing visually to the masses. Some still claim that she was the finest moment of my dating life, well, her and Bluejay. But back to Domino. On Thursday the 27th of October, approximately two weeks into the relationship, she gave me my first kiss. I thought I would never feel the way she made me feel again. That would soon become a statement that I wished would be true. Two days after "the kiss", I was at her house for the first time for a Halloween party. The guest list included me, Domino, a Nameless girl, two Nameless boys, a girl who plays a small yet significant part in the story, I'll call her One, and, of all people, the Nameless Douchebag. My suspicions were more aroused than my man parts at that point. The party wen expectedly boring, until she started abandoning me for Douchey, who kept his head hung the duration of the party. I was on the trampoline, crying, hoping the inevitable would not occur. It did. Domino sent One out to carry the message that Domino was indeed leaving me for Douchepants. This was the first time I died. I distraughtly texted Roadblock with promise of a relationship and *indeterminate amounts of time here* together. That relationship, again, lasted two weeks, after she met a random Nameless one and decided she liked him better. Me and Domino came back into contact in late November, and after so much grief over her having screwed Douchedick, thus making her reluctant to leave him for me, subsequent cheating occurred, more drama, I picked up stabbing myself with pencils out of anger and self-hatred.


Skip to December
Me and Domino were in a petty fight about my self-loathe. She claimed I should move on, that I could bag any girl at school. I countered with a "romantic" "No I can't, I'm barely holding on to you". She offered up that Feline had had a crush on me for a while, and I soon found out "a while" meant since early 2011, or so she claimed. On December the sixteenth, I was in Conway visiting my brother. We argued (if you could call it that) that me liking Domino was keeping us apart. I remembered something about whining that I was "in a pickle". That was the day I (supposedly) ditched Domino. I pulled what little courage I had together and asked you out. I dont remember your answer, but it was some variation of "yes". After December 16th, it was like climbing a mountain and hitting a very happy plateau. Sure, we had fights, I cried, you didn't, we made up, happy days. This is where times become less specific. This is where I lost track, too stable to remember the days I fell. Sometime around April or May, during our third "breakup". When it lasted twice as long as the others, I did not go searching for options. An option found me. While she plays a part that is as important as it is unimportant, we'll name her anyway. She was Carl. We lasted a week, but it was one of my larger mistakes. I realized I had ditched love for attention, and now neither wanted me. I eventually begged enough that Feline would give me another chance under one circumstance: I had to last the whole summer break without going to another girl. Seemed easy enough right? Nothing is easy when the game is rigged. May the odds be never in my favor. I went to a movie at one point wtih my girl_______friend, Purple. Female acquaintance. Woman buddy. No relationship anything. Apparently if a guy goes anywhere with any female it is considered by the nationally approved dictionary of Feline, a "date". While there were no feelings other than friendship on my part, it was still, to her, "a date". Now do something for me. Go back and read the rules of the circumstance. Did you find anything about hanging out with Females? Anything about even "dating"? Strange. I didn't either. It took me a week to convice her that didnt count, at which point she contracted a case of chronic ignoring me. Eventually, she spilled the beans that she never expected me to live up to my side of the deal, and was trying to, as they say, "get over" me. Well gee thanks. I was ready to become celibate for three years if you would give me a chance. I assumed the best thing to do was move on too. Did I mention I hadn't cut since, like, February? Yeah, that went down the same drain as my chance with her. I started talking to Purple more, who then claimed to have had a crush on me for a while (translated: since I wasted a week saving Purple and Curly's dying relationship). I dated her. It lasted under three days, after she said we would be better off as friends. I couldn't have agreed more. I told everyone I dated her so I could smother her and make her feel that wo would be better as friends. Lies. I was simply heartbroken and desperate, a deadly combination. I was then reprimanded by Feline for breaking the deal. I guess I'm wrong, as usual, but I thought the deal was off? Moving on(with the story, I mean. I wont move on from her till much much later in the story), I met, or rather contacted for the first time, Turtle. I was trying to console her of the loss of her long-distance boyfriend, which I refuse to discuss for unspoken reasons. We hit it off so fast (friendship-wise, mind you), it was like our friendship was meant to be(sounds weird, I know, but that's the best I have). We were best of friends. Besties even. We talked about everything. She was even open-minded enough to help me with my self harm, which was no longer a fledgeling, but a full on addiction. By addiction, I don't mean cutting every few days. I mean cutting multiple times a day. My thigh is still littered with scars. Eightteen, to be exact, though there were at least twenty times that in cuts. I often wonder why it was those eightteen. Were they simply the deepest? Or were they the ones that conveyed the most emotion? All I know is that I'm screwed if I ever wanted to wear a Speedo. They aren't pink, as one would think. They aren't raised up or sunken down. They don't feel like a rotten apple, like the one on Curly's sister's knee. They're solid white lines. Whiter than my skin, which will burn your eyes in the sunlight. But they aren't quite paper white.

Sorry, Forgot to do One of These
Fall 2013
I don't know the time anymore. Sometime in September maybe? I'll skip everything up to the day of the County Fair. The girl from the beginning, whose name I left out, she came to me the day of the Fair. The day I was supposed to meet another girl at the fair, more precisely. She told me that Turtle had a thing for me, at which point I made immediate plans to verify this fact. I found it to be true, so I ditched the other girl, or stood her up maybe? Call it what you want. I asked Turtle out. I can show you the exect spot. I remember her saying "Duh" as cutely as she possibly could, with the biggest smile plastered across her face. I could tell you so many details of that night, but its time to move on with the story. This one wasnt a plateau. It was like climbing up higher and higher and never finding the top. But then came the attack of the mother. I dont know if Turtle would want me to write the details, and out of any other girl on the list, I hold the most respect in her. Her mother made her break up with me for trivial reasons. Then the mountain hit its top. It was unexpected, and I tripped, all the way to the bottom. when I think about it, it's a big haze, I don't remember what happened exactly, but I hit the bottom and found Feline there waiting for me. I was hesitant. It had'nt bothered me before because I didn't think about it. I didn't talk to her at all. But she showed up out of the blue and proceeded to lasso my emotions like a professional cowgirl, and hat did she do with them? Jump off her horse and untie me, so she could win the competition? Did you seriously think, after all you've read, that I would catch a break? I guess I've fooled ou once, shame on me. She dragged me. She ran around in circles with me. This is a fitting analogy. While I might have been hooked with every part of my heart, body, mind, and soul, being dragged like one of those backpacks on wheels those weird kids use is painful. Moreso painful seeing that I had no wheels. Me and Turtle had problems because of it. I suffered silently until she pried out of me what was wrong. While I believe she was justified in her reaction, it was a tad drastic. Her response went something like "You cant like her and me at the same time(at this point you think she'd say 'choose now' but no). Just go be happy with her. I'm done." She wasn't done. as much as I did believe she was, and as much as she wanted to believe she was, she wasn't. Unfortunately I seem to have that horrible effect on everything I touched. Anyhow, I took her advice. I took her back October 22, 2013. I remember the day because it was Fall Fest, held by our school's choir yearly. My friend Law got his first kiss with Feline's sister. He missed. Twice. I was high that day. I had popped about four pills that I didn't know what they were. I was holding Feline in my arms, and then something hit me. A euphoric buzzing in my head. I lost control of my body and went limp for a few seconds. At the time I thought it was love. Looking back, it was probably the pills. I woke up the next morning to a text from Turtle. I was rolling down a hill and I fell into a bottomless pit. I planned m suicide that morning. I planned that if I didn't get a reply by midnight, I would do whatever it took to end my miserable existance. What was the text? I'll leave that to imagination, again out of respect. Anyway, me and Feline hung together until December 30th. I sacrificed the fun to lose the pain. If I wanted to lose the pain, then boy was I in for a suprise.

January 2014
This is where we go from rolling down a hill to off the edge of a cliff. Me and Turtle were talking again, even during me and Feline. Not enough to be considered cheating, but pretty close. She showed me kindness. She was nice to me after all I had done. I just wanted to be happy. I tried to date her again. She pulled excuses out like she had too many. At the time, I figured she was nice out of pity, and I felt rejected (because I was). I felt hurt and lied to. We fought daily. Well, I can't really say daily. We fought all day for the last day or two. January 13th was supposed to be my last day. It was just a normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I hung out with friends, I laughed, I smiled. I kept the facade up till that night. At 8:04 I sent my goodbye text. You know if you got it. I had a blue and white cord of rope with which I planned to orchestrate my own death. It wasn't a pretty knot. It would make a boyscout puke. And for some reason, that tiny thing affected me. It affected my emotions first. Then I climbed into that chair. It had rained that day, so the weight of my body dug the legs of the chair into the ground. All I could think was "My brother's going to be so pissed. You've failed youself for the last time." You want me to say the hardest thing was saing goodbye, that the hardest thing was deciding to kill myself, that the hardest thing was hurting everyone by doing it. Nope. The hardest thing was getting the chair to fall over. I finally did it. I finally had succeeded in something. Just kidding. I failed killing myself too. My toes touched the ground. thr rope was tight around my neck. I could barely breathe. But I could barely breathe enough to know this wouldn't kill me. Had you been the one with the rope around your neck, you might have considered it a blessing, and taken a new lease on life. But you aren't me. To me it was another failure, another reason to want to die. I came back through and told everyone I was sorry. Not because I had tried. Because I had failed. I remember someone asking me if everything was alright. I said "No, I'm still alive". I went to school the next day like nothing was wrong. Everything was wrong. I remember nothing about that day other than I cried all day. Someone noticed and contacted my parents. An emergency therapy session occurred. She told us all the signs of a suicidal person. The only one that fit me was the fact that nothing in the world could talk me out of it. I denied everything and said I had just had a bad day at school. I knew there was someone I couldn't trust, another friend letting me down. January 14th was my last day. I told two people my plans for that night. I was going to overdose on my anti-depressants, leaving a note saying "They finally made me happy" and leve a huge smiley face on it, for dramatic effect. Then, after falling off the cliff, I hit the bottom when my dad said "Let me see your phone". The next thing I knew I was on my way to a mental hospital. This is where the story I tell you ends. I get better in most areas, and learn how to deal with other areas. Some of you want to hear how I recovered. And to you, I say sorry. It is the haziest area of my life. I remember details and stories here and there, but not enough to tell here. So the end. Thats it. Bye.


My last song
I've done too much wrong
I know it won't be long
My final hour is coming
No stopping now, no more running
Suicide flow when there's nowhere left to go
Im sorry _____, I shouldn't have left you
I'll miss you most, but I'll ask God to bless you
I'm sorry Brad, you're my role model
Even though you sometimes find comfort in a bottle
I won't get to check out Portland with you
So remember me in everything you do
I'm sorry Mom and Dad; I was a waste of time
I'm sorry you never got to see me go and shine
I'm sorry Mrs. Shea, I'll never really pass
I didn't do my homework due today in class
I'm sorry _____, I wasn't too good a friend
But know that I loved you until the very end
Im sorry ______, I know you'll see some fame
Just know I'm smiling down on you so please don't feel no pain
I'm sorry ____, I wasn't what you wanted
I was faking all the joy and craziness I flaunted
I'm sorry Mrs. Atkins, I'll never finish this report
But instead I'm turning to my very last resort
I'm sorry _____ and _______, just know that I forgave you
And I'm sorry for breaking the last promise I made you

THE GREATEST COVERUP
As I sit here in front of my computer, serenaded by the mystical works of Flying Lotus, I feel compelled to inform you of the events leading to the current predicament which I currently find myself in. These tales are in no way meant to be inspiring, coveted after, or in any way construed other than to warn you of the pitfalls full of sharp social and mental spikes society seems to often lay in our path. This work is not meant to be beautiful in any way other than the beauty one finds in the demise of another. This is completely non-fiction, however, names must not be mentioned for the safety of the people hidden behid the names. But enough with the poetic preamble. As an English teacher of mine once said, "No one likes the peas and carrots. They want the meat and potatoes." For these Meats and Potatoes, you had best prepare yourself with a ladel and a steak knife, for there's more than enough to go around.


Enter October 2012


It was the heat of Eighth Grade, everything was gravy. But who doesnt like gravy on top of their Potatoes(I don't)? It started out with what my friend (We'll call him Curly) would call a"flirtationship". Not quite a relationship, but a professed attraction for one another, with a girl who isn't critical enough in the story to be named. I begged and begged her to date me, but somthing held her back. After 5 months (May to October), it got old and I began searching for another romantic avenue. Introduced to me by rather unorthodox methods- her leg was broken and she got my number from Curly to text me and ask if i would carry her backpack- was the one we shall call Domino. Domino and I finally got together after a rare visit on my part to a football game of the team with the worst record in the state, 3 years winless (my school). The getting together process occured after heavy bargaining with Domino and the one we call Feline, Feline persitently telling me "someone else likes you but she wouldn't want me to tell you". Domino had a day previously left a nameless douche-baggian boy for the sole purpose of adding me to the slut-bag she called her dating repetoire. Everything was standard relationship protocol, except a recurring conversation was her history of other boyfriends, her heartbreak with said boyfriends, adn eventual fall into a self-harming behaivior, slicing her wrists with scissors. After one week, I received a text from a girl, lets call her Roadblock. she claimed that I was "Cute, tbh". She, not being half bad looking herself, had, unknowingly at the time, ruined my relationship with Domino. Me and Roadblock talked of thigs that were and things to come, and the possibility of an us. Now let me first establish, Domino was by no means pretty to the vast majorities, but to me she had a certain allure. Roadblock, however, was extremely attractive, aesthetically pleasing visually to the masses. Some still claim that she was the finest moment of my dating life, well, her and Bluejay. But back to Domino. On Thursday the 27th of October, approximately two weeks into the relationship, she gave me my first kiss. I thought I would never feel the way she made me feel again. That would soon become a statement that I wished would be true. Two days after "the kiss", I was at her house for the first time for a Halloween party. The guest list included me, Domino, a Nameless girl, two Nameless boys, a girl who plays a small yet significant part in the story, I'll call her One, and, of all people, the Nameless Douchebag. My suspicions were more aroused than my man parts at that point. The party wen expectedly boring, until she started abandoning me for Douchey, who kept his head hung the duration of the party. I was on the trampoline, crying, hoping the inevitable would not occur. It did. Domino sent One out to carry the message that Domino was indeed leaving me for Douchepants. This was the first time I died. I distraughtly texted Roadblock with promise of a relationship and *indeterminate amounts of time here* together. That relationship, again, lasted two weeks, after she met a random Nameless one and decided she liked him better. Me and Domino came back into contact in late November, and after so much grief over her having screwed Douchedick, thus making her reluctant to leave him for me, subsequent cheating occurred, more drama, I picked up stabbing myself with pencils out of anger and self-hatred.


Skip to December
Me and Domino were in a petty fight about my self-loathe. She claimed I should move on, that I could bag any girl at school. I countered with a "romantic" "No I can't, I'm barely holding on to you". She offered up that Feline had had a crush on me for a while, and I soon found out "a while" meant since early 2011, or so she claimed. On December the sixteenth, I was in Conway visiting my brother. We argued (if you could call it that) that me liking Domino was keeping us apart. I remembered something about whining that I was "in a pickle". That was the day I (supposedly) ditched Domino. I pulled what little courage I had together and asked you out. I dont remember your answer, but it was some variation of "yes". After December 16th, it was like climbing a mountain and hitting a very happy plateau. Sure, we had fights, I cried, you didn't, we made up, happy days. This is where times become less specific. This is where I lost track, too stable to remember the days I fell. Sometime around April or May, during our third "breakup". When it lasted twice as long as the others, I did not go searching for options. An option found me. While she plays a part that is as important as it is unimportant, we'll name her anyway. She was Carl. We lasted a week, but it was one of my larger mistakes. I realized I had ditched love for attention, and now neither wanted me. I eventually begged enough that Feline would give me another chance under one circumstance: I had to last the whole summer break without going to another girl. Seemed easy enough right? Nothing is easy when the game is rigged. May the odds be never in my favor. I went to a movie at one point wtih my girl_______friend, Purple. Female acquaintance. Woman buddy. No relationship anything. Apparently if a guy goes anywhere with any female it is considered by the nationally approved dictionary of Feline, a "date". While there were no feelings other than friendship on my part, it was still, to her, "a date". Now do something for me. Go back and read the rules of the circumstance. Did you find anything about hanging out with Females? Anything about even "dating"? Strange. I didn't either. It took me a week to convice her that didnt count, at which point she contracted a case of chronic ignoring me. Eventually, she spilled the beans that she never expected me to live up to my side of the deal, and was trying to, as they say, "get over" me. Well gee thanks. I was ready to become celibate for three years if you would give me a chance. I assumed the best thing to do was move on too. Did I mention I hadn't cut since, like, February? Yeah, that went down the same drain as my chance with her. I started talking to Purple more, who then claimed to have had a crush on me for a while (translated: since I wasted a week saving Purple and Curly's dying relationship). I dated her. It lasted under three days, after she said we would be better off as friends. I couldn't have agreed more. I told everyone I dated her so I could smother her and make her feel that wo would be better as friends. Lies. I was simply heartbroken and desperate, a deadly combination. I was then reprimanded by Feline for breaking the deal. I guess I'm wrong, as usual, but I thought the deal was off? Moving on(with the story, I mean. I wont move on from her till much much later in the story), I met, or rather contacted for the first time, Turtle. I was trying to console her of the loss of her long-distance boyfriend, which I refuse to discuss for unspoken reasons. We hit it off so fast (friendship-wise, mind you), it was like our friendship was meant to be(sounds weird, I know, but that's the best I have). We were best of friends. Besties even. We talked about everything. She was even open-minded enough to help me with my self harm, which was no longer a fledgeling, but a full on addiction. By addiction, I don't mean cutting every few days. I mean cutting multiple times a day. My thigh is still littered with scars. Eightteen, to be exact, though there were at least twenty times that in cuts. I often wonder why it was those eightteen. Were they simply the deepest? Or were they the ones that conveyed the most emotion? All I know is that I'm screwed if I ever wanted to wear a Speedo. They aren't pink, as one would think. They aren't raised up or sunken down. They don't feel like a rotten apple, like the one on Curly's sister's knee. They're solid white lines. Whiter than my skin, which will burn your eyes in the sunlight. But they aren't quite paper white.

Sorry, Forgot to do One of These
Fall 2013
I don't know the time anymore. Sometime in September maybe? I'll skip everything up to the day of the County Fair. The girl from the beginning, whose name I left out, she came to me the day of the Fair. The day I was supposed to meet another girl at the fair, more precisely. She told me that Turtle had a thing for me, at which point I made immediate plans to verify this fact. I found it to be true, so I ditched the other girl, or stood her up maybe? Call it what you want. I asked Turtle out. I can show you the exect spot. I remember her saying "Duh" as cutely as she possibly could, with the biggest smile plastered across her face. I could tell you so many details of that night, but its time to move on with the story. This one wasnt a plateau. It was like climbing up higher and higher and never finding the top. But then came the attack of the mother. I dont know if Turtle would want me to write the details, and out of any other girl on the list, I hold the most respect in her. Her mother made her break up with me for trivial reasons. Then the mountain hit its top. It was unexpected, and I tripped, all the way to the bottom. when I think about it, it's a big haze, I don't remember what happened exactly, but I hit the bottom and found Feline there waiting for me. I was hesitant. It had'nt bothered me before because I didn't think about it. I didn't talk to her at all. But she showed up out of the blue and proceeded to lasso my emotions like a professional cowgirl, and hat did she do with them? Jump off her horse and untie me, so she could win the competition? Did you seriously think, after all you've read, that I would catch a break? I guess I've fooled ou once, shame on me. She dragged me. She ran around in circles with me. This is a fitting analogy. While I might have been hooked with every part of my heart, body, mind, and soul, being dragged like one of those backpacks on wheels those weird kids use is painful. Moreso painful seeing that I had no wheels. Me and Turtle had problems because of it. I suffered silently until she pried out of me what was wrong. While I believe she was justified in her reaction, it was a tad drastic. Her response went something like "You cant like her and me at the same time(at this point you think she'd say 'choose now' but no). Just go be happy with her. I'm done." She wasn't done. as much as I did believe she was, and as much as she wanted to believe she was, she wasn't. Unfortunately I seem to have that horrible effect on everything I touched. Anyhow, I took her advice. I took her back October 22, 2013. I remember the day because it was Fall Fest, held by our school's choir yearly. My friend Law got his first kiss with Feline's sister. He missed. Twice. I was high that day. I had popped about four pills that I didn't know what they were. I was holding Feline in my arms, and then something hit me. A euphoric buzzing in my head. I lost control of my body and went limp for a few seconds. At the time I thought it was love. Looking back, it was probably the pills. I woke up the next morning to a text from Turtle. I was rolling down a hill and I fell into a bottomless pit. I planned m suicide that morning. I planned that if I didn't get a reply by midnight, I would do whatever it took to end my miserable existance. What was the text? I'll leave that to imagination, again out of respect. Anyway, me and Feline hung together until December 30th. I sacrificed the fun to lose the pain. If I wanted to lose the pain, then boy was I in for a suprise.

January 2014
This is where we go from rolling down a hill to off the edge of a cliff. Me and Turtle were talking again, even during me and Feline. Not enough to be considered cheating, but pretty close. She showed me kindness. She was nice to me after all I had done. I just wanted to be happy. I tried to date her again. She pulled excuses out like she had too many. At the time, I figured she was nice out of pity, and I felt rejected (because I was). I felt hurt and lied to. We fought daily. Well, I can't really say daily. We fought all day for the last day or two. January 13th was supposed to be my last day. It was just a normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I hung out with friends, I laughed, I smiled. I kept the facade up till that night. At 8:04 I sent my goodbye text. You know if you got it. I had a blue and white cord of rope with which I planned to orchestrate my own death. It wasn't a pretty knot. It would make a boyscout puke. And for some reason, that tiny thing affected me. It affected my emotions first. Then I climbed into that chair. It had rained that day, so the weight of my body dug the legs of the chair into the ground. All I could think was "My brother's going to be so pissed. You've failed youself for the last time." You want me to say the hardest thing was saing goodbye, that the hardest thing was deciding to kill myself, that the hardest thing was hurting everyone by doing it. Nope. The hardest thing was getting the chair to fall over. I finally did it. I finally had succeeded in something. Just kidding. I failed killing myself too. My toes touched the ground. thr rope was tight around my neck. I could barely breathe. But I could barely breathe enough to know this wouldn't kill me. Had you been the one with the rope around your neck, you might have considered it a blessing, and taken a new lease on life. But you aren't me. To me it was another failure, another reason to want to die. I came back through and told everyone I was sorry. Not because I had tried. Because I had failed. I remember someone asking me if everything was alright. I said "No, I'm still alive". I went to school the next day like nothing was wrong. Everything was wrong. I remember nothing about that day other than I cried all day. Someone noticed and contacted my parents. An emergency therapy session occurred. She told us all the signs of a suicidal person. The only one that fit me was the fact that nothing in the world could talk me out of it. I denied everything and said I had just had a bad day at school. I knew there was someone I couldn't trust, another friend letting me down. January 14th was my last day. I told two people my plans for that night. I was going to overdose on my anti-depressants, leaving a note saying "They finally made me happy" and leve a huge smiley face on it, for dramatic effect. Then, after falling off the cliff, I hit the bottom when my dad said "Let me see your phone". The next thing I knew I was on my way to a mental hospital. This is where the story I tell you ends. I get better in most areas, and learn how to deal with other areas. Some of you want to hear how I recovered. And to you, I say sorry. It is the haziest area of my life. I remember details and stories here and there, but not enough to tell here. So the end. Thats it. Bye.


My last song
I've done too much wrong
I know it won't be long
My final hour is coming
No stopping now, no more running
Suicide flow when there's nowhere left to go
Im sorry _____, I shouldn't have left you
I'll miss you most, but I'll ask God to bless you
I'm sorry Brad, you're my role model
Even though you sometimes find comfort in a bottle
I won't get to check out Portland with you
So remember me in everything you do
I'm sorry Mom and Dad; I was a waste of time
I'm sorry you never got to see me go and shine
I'm sorry Mrs. Shea, I'll never really pass
I didn't do my homework due today in class
I'm sorry _____, I wasn't too good a friend
But know that I loved you until the very end
Im sorry ______, I know you'll see some fame
Just know I'm smiling down on you so please don't feel no pain
I'm sorry ____, I wasn't what you wanted
I was faking all the joy and craziness I flaunted
I'm sorry Mrs. Atkins, I'll never finish this report
But instead I'm turning to my very last resort
I'm sorry _____ and _______, just know that I forgave you
And I'm sorry for breaking the last promise I made you

Submitted: August 23, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 23, 2014

A A A

A A A


~THE GREATEST COVERUP
 As I sit here in front of my computer, serenaded by the mystical works of Flying Lotus, I feel compelled to inform you of the events leading to the current predicament which I currently find myself in.  These tales are in no way meant to be inspiring, coveted after, or in any way construed other than to warn you of the pitfalls full of sharp social and mental spikes society seems to often lay in our path. This work is not meant to be beautiful in any way other than the beauty one finds in the demise of another. This is completely non-fiction, however, names must not be mentioned for the safety of the people hidden behid the names. But enough with the poetic preamble. As an English teacher of mine once said, "No one likes the peas and carrots. They want the meat and potatoes." For these Meats and Potatoes, you had best prepare yourself with a ladel and a steak knife, for there's more than enough to go around.


Enter October 2012


 It was the heat of Eighth Grade, everything was gravy. But who doesnt like gravy on top of their Potatoes(I don't)? It started out with what my friend (We'll call him Curly) would call a"flirtationship". Not quite a relationship, but a professed attraction for one another, with a girl who isn't critical enough in the story to be named. I begged and begged her to date me, but somthing held her back. After 5 months (May to October), it got old and I began searching for another romantic avenue. Introduced to me by rather unorthodox methods- her leg was broken and she got my number from Curly to text me and ask if i would carry her backpack- was the one we shall call Domino. Domino and I finally got together after a rare visit on my part to a football game of the team with the worst record in the state, 3 years winless (my school). The getting together process occured after heavy bargaining with Domino and the one we call Feline, Feline persitently telling me "someone else likes you but she wouldn't want me to tell you". Domino had a day previously left a nameless douche-baggian boy for the sole purpose of adding me to the slut-bag she called her dating repetoire. Everything was standard relationship protocol, except a recurring conversation was her history of other boyfriends, her heartbreak with said boyfriends, adn eventual fall into a self-harming behaivior, slicing her wrists with scissors. After one week, I received a text from a girl, lets call her Roadblock. she claimed that I was "Cute, tbh". She, not being half bad looking herself, had, unknowingly at the time, ruined my relationship with Domino. Me and Roadblock talked of thigs that were and things to come, and the possibility of an us. Now let me first establish, Domino was by no means pretty to the vast majorities, but to me she had a certain allure. Roadblock, however, was extremely attractive, aesthetically pleasing visually to the masses. Some still claim that she was the finest moment of my dating life, well, her and Bluejay. But back to Domino. On Thursday the 27th of October, approximately two weeks into the relationship, she gave me my first kiss. I thought I would never feel the way she made me feel again. That would soon become a statement that I wished would be true. Two days after "the kiss", I was at her house for the first time for a Halloween party. The guest list included me, Domino, a Nameless girl, two Nameless boys, a girl who plays a small yet significant part in the story, I'll call her One, and, of all people, the Nameless Douchebag. My suspicions were more aroused than my man parts at that point. The party wen expectedly boring, until she started abandoning me for Douchey, who kept his head hung the duration of the party. I was on the trampoline, crying, hoping the inevitable would not occur. It did. Domino sent One out to carry the message that Domino was indeed leaving me for Douchepants. This was the first time I died. I distraughtly texted Roadblock with promise of a relationship and *indeterminate amounts of time here* together. That relationship, again, lasted two weeks, after she met a random Nameless one and decided she liked him better. Me and Domino came back into contact in late November, and after so much grief over her having screwed Douchedick, thus making her reluctant to leave him for me, subsequent cheating occurred, more drama, I picked up stabbing myself with pencils out of anger and self-hatred.


Skip to December
 Me and Domino were in a petty fight about my self-loathe. She claimed I should move on, that I could bag any girl at school. I countered with a "romantic" "No I can't, I'm barely holding on to you". She offered up that Feline had had a crush on me for a while, and I soon found out "a while" meant since early 2011, or so she claimed. On December the sixteenth, I was in Conway visiting my brother. We argued (if you could call it that) that me liking Domino was keeping us apart. I remembered something about whining that I was "in a pickle". That was the day I (supposedly) ditched Domino. I pulled what little courage I had together and asked you out. I dont remember your answer, but it was some variation of "yes". After December 16th, it was like climbing a mountain and hitting a very happy plateau. Sure, we had fights, I cried, you didn't, we made up, happy days. This is where times become less specific. This is where I lost track, too stable to remember the days I fell. Sometime around April or May, during our third "breakup". When it lasted twice as long as the others, I did not go searching for options. An option found me. While she plays a part that is as important as it is unimportant, we'll name her anyway. She was Carl. We lasted a week, but it was one of my larger mistakes. I realized I had ditched love for attention, and now neither wanted me. I eventually begged enough that Feline would give me another chance under one circumstance: I had to last the whole summer break without going to another girl. Seemed easy enough right? Nothing is easy when the game is rigged. May the odds be never in my favor. I went to a movie at one point wtih my girl_______friend, Purple. Female acquaintance. Woman buddy. No relationship anything. Apparently if a guy goes anywhere with any female it is considered by the nationally approved dictionary of Feline, a "date". While there were no feelings other than friendship on my part, it was still, to her, "a date". Now do something for me. Go back and read the rules of the circumstance. Did you find anything about hanging out with Females? Anything about even "dating"? Strange. I didn't either. It took me a week to convice her that didnt count, at which point she contracted a case of chronic ignoring me. Eventually, she spilled the beans that she never expected me to live up to my side of the deal, and was trying to, as they say, "get over" me. Well gee thanks. I was ready to become celibate for three years if you would give me a chance. I assumed the best thing to do was move on too. Did I mention I hadn't cut since, like, February? Yeah, that went down the same drain as my chance with her. I started talking to Purple more, who then claimed to have had a crush on me for a while (translated: since I wasted a week saving Purple and Curly's dying relationship). I dated her. It lasted under three days, after she said we would be better off as friends. I couldn't have agreed more. I told everyone I dated her so I could smother her and make her feel that wo would be better as friends. Lies. I was simply heartbroken and desperate, a deadly combination. I was then reprimanded by Feline for breaking the deal. I guess I'm wrong, as usual, but I thought the deal was off?  Moving on(with the story, I mean. I wont move on from her till much much later in the story), I met, or rather contacted for the first time, Turtle. I was trying to console her of the loss of her long-distance boyfriend, which I refuse to discuss for unspoken reasons. We hit it off so fast (friendship-wise, mind you), it was like our friendship was meant to be(sounds weird, I know, but that's the best I have). We were best of friends. Besties even. We talked about everything. She was even open-minded enough to help me with my self harm, which was no longer a fledgeling, but a full on addiction. By addiction, I don't mean cutting every few days. I mean cutting multiple times a day. My thigh is still littered with scars. Eightteen, to be exact, though there were at least twenty times that in cuts. I often wonder why it was those eightteen. Were they simply the deepest? Or were they the ones that conveyed the most emotion? All I know is that I'm screwed if I ever wanted to wear a Speedo. They aren't pink, as one would think. They aren't raised up or sunken down. They don't feel like a rotten apple, like the one on Curly's sister's knee. They're solid white lines. Whiter than my skin, which will burn your eyes in the sunlight. But they aren't quite paper white.

Sorry, Forgot to do One of These
Fall 2013
 I don't know the time anymore. Sometime in September maybe? I'll skip everything up to the day of the County Fair. The girl from the beginning, whose name I left out, she came to me the day of the Fair. The day I was supposed to meet another girl at the fair, more precisely. She told me that Turtle had a thing for me, at which point I made immediate plans to verify this fact. I found it to be true, so I ditched the other girl, or stood her up maybe? Call it what you want. I asked Turtle out. I can show you the exect spot. I remember her saying "Duh" as cutely as she possibly could, with the biggest smile plastered across her face. I could tell you so many details of that night, but its time to move on with the story. This one wasnt a plateau. It was like climbing up higher and higher and never finding the top. But then came the attack of the mother. I dont know if Turtle would want me to write the details, and out of any other girl on the list, I hold the most respect in her. Her mother made her break up with me for trivial reasons. Then the mountain hit its top. It was unexpected, and I tripped, all the way to the bottom. when I think about it, it's a big haze, I don't remember what happened exactly, but I hit the bottom and found Feline there waiting for me. I was hesitant. It had'nt bothered me before because I didn't think about it. I didn't talk to her at all. But she showed up out of the blue and proceeded to lasso my emotions like a professional cowgirl, and hat did she do with them? Jump off her horse and untie me, so she could win the competition? Did you seriously think, after all you've read, that I would catch a break? I guess I've fooled ou once, shame on me. She dragged me. She ran around in circles with me. This is a fitting analogy. While I might have been hooked with every part of my heart, body, mind, and soul, being dragged like one of those backpacks on wheels those weird kids use is painful. Moreso painful seeing that I had no wheels. Me and Turtle had problems because of it. I suffered silently until she pried out of me what was wrong. While I believe she was justified in her reaction, it was a tad drastic. Her response went something like "You cant like her and me at the same time(at this point you think she'd say 'choose now' but no). Just go be happy with her. I'm done." She wasn't done. as much as I did believe she was, and as much as she wanted to believe she was, she wasn't. Unfortunately I seem to have that horrible effect on everything I touched. Anyhow, I took her advice. I took her back October 22, 2013. I remember the day because it was Fall Fest, held by our school's choir yearly. My friend Law got his first kiss with Feline's sister. He missed. Twice. I was high that day. I had popped about four pills that I didn't know what they were. I was holding Feline in my arms, and then something hit me. A euphoric buzzing in my head. I lost control of my body and went limp for a few seconds. At the time I thought it was love. Looking back, it was probably the pills. I woke up the next morning to a text from Turtle. I was rolling down a hill and I fell into a bottomless pit. I planned m suicide that morning. I planned that if I didn't get a reply by midnight, I would do whatever it took to end my miserable existance. What was the text? I'll leave that to imagination, again out of respect. Anyway, me and Feline hung together until December 30th. I sacrificed the fun to lose the pain. If I wanted to lose the pain, then boy was I in for a suprise.

January 2014
 This is where we go from rolling down a hill to off the edge of a cliff. Me and Turtle were talking again, even during me and Feline. Not enough to be considered cheating, but pretty close. She showed me kindness. She was nice to me after all I had done. I just wanted to be happy. I tried to date her again. She pulled excuses out like she had too many. At the time, I figured she was nice out of pity, and I felt rejected (because I was). I felt hurt and lied to. We fought daily. Well, I can't really say daily. We fought all day for the last day or two. January 13th was supposed to be my last day. It was just a normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I hung out with friends, I laughed, I smiled. I kept the facade up till that night. At 8:04 I sent my goodbye text. You know if you got it. I had a blue and white cord of rope with which I planned to orchestrate my own death. It wasn't a pretty knot. It would make a boyscout puke. And for some reason, that tiny thing affected me. It affected my emotions first. Then I climbed into that chair. It had rained that day, so the weight of my body dug the legs of the chair into the ground. All I could think was "My brother's going to be so pissed. You've failed youself for the last time." You want me to say the hardest thing was saing goodbye, that the hardest thing was deciding to kill myself, that the hardest thing was hurting everyone by doing it. Nope. The hardest thing was getting the chair to fall over. I finally did it. I finally had succeeded in something. Just kidding. I failed killing myself too. My toes touched the ground. thr rope was tight around my neck. I could barely breathe. But I could barely breathe enough to know this wouldn't kill me. Had you been the one with the rope around your neck, you might have considered it a blessing, and taken a new lease on life. But you aren't me. To me it was another failure, another reason to want to die. I came back through and told everyone I was sorry. Not because I had tried. Because I had failed. I remember someone asking me if everything was alright. I said "No, I'm still alive". I went to school the next day like nothing was wrong. Everything was wrong. I remember nothing about that day other than I cried all day. Someone noticed and contacted my parents. An emergency therapy session occurred. She told us all the signs of a suicidal person. The only one that fit me was the fact that nothing in the world could talk me out of it. I denied everything and said I had just had a bad day at school. I knew there was someone I couldn't trust, another friend letting me down. January 14th was my last day. I told two people my plans for that night. I was going to overdose on my anti-depressants, leaving a note saying "They finally made me happy" and leve a huge smiley face on it, for dramatic effect. Then, after falling off the cliff, I hit the bottom when my dad said "Let me see your phone". The next thing I knew I was on my way to a mental hospital. This is where the story I tell you ends. I get better in most areas, and learn how to deal with other areas. Some of you want to hear how I recovered. And to you, I say sorry. It is the haziest area of my life. I remember details and stories here and there, but not enough to tell here. So the end. Thats it. Bye.


My last song
I've done too much wrong
I know it won't be long
My final hour is coming
No stopping now, no more running
Suicide flow when there's nowhere left to go
Im sorry _____, I shouldn't have left you
I'll miss you most, but I'll ask God to bless you
I'm sorry Brad, you're my role model
Even though you sometimes find comfort in a bottle
I won't get to check out Portland with you
So remember me in everything you do
I'm sorry Mom and Dad; I was a waste of time
I'm sorry you never got to see me go and shine
I'm sorry Mrs. Shea, I'll never really pass
I didn't do my homework due today in class
I'm sorry _____, I wasn't too good a friend
But know that I loved you until the very end
Im sorry ______, I know you'll see some fame
Just know I'm smiling down on you so please don't feel no pain
I'm sorry ____, I wasn't what you wanted
I was faking all the joy and craziness I flaunted
I'm sorry Mrs. Atkins, I'll never finish this report
But instead I'm turning to my very last resort
I'm sorry _____ and _______, just know that I forgave you
And I'm sorry for breaking the last promise I made you

 


© Copyright 2020 The Moffitt. All rights reserved.

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