The Bible According To Bronny (that's me)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
It's an alternative beginning to the place we know as earth

Submitted: October 23, 2008

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Submitted: October 23, 2008

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1. In the beginning god created the heaven an earth, after a few drinks of the old sauce he decided to create hell for his own drunken amusement. And he fillith this fiery place with alcohol, drugs and complimentary mints for all new members.
2. But god hath not yet payed his electricity bill and so there was no light. After switching to N power the lord saw that he could provide the earth with a constant light source with a monthly payment of 35 quid. However the newly formed country of England displeased the lord so he saw to it that this kingdom received only the benefits of the water board company, which they would have 365 days a year, for the rest of time.
3. And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear. This new creation was named the sea, and it devideth the land of Britannia from the smaller and mentally deranged country of
Ireland. Where he knew the english would be safe from as the leprechauns could not yet swim and thus could not invade the promised land. However the cunning minds of the Iranians later on saw to it that many arks were built by a clever carpenter named Noah, and so they would immigrate to Britain and commit a great amount of benefit fraud and stealeth our white women.
4. And god gave the dry land grass, which many Rastafarians smoked, along with hippies and George Michael also.
5. And god went on to create the moon which would rule the night. And when god smoketh the grass from earth he decideth to poke a sad face into it's surface which he had previously done on a jaffa cake. Deciding that the night should look mysterious and wonderful he purchased a great number of room lights retail price of 4.99 from IKEA.
6. And god created living creatures to exist in the earths waters. Fish, whales, dolphins, sharks and many more. And later he battered and fried them, and sold them to the other gods with some tasty chips and mushy peas, and god saw this was good and so began an increase of high cholesterol and obesity in the other gods, ultimately killing them all. God laughed proudly and named his new power of the grease 'SULLIVANS.’
7. And god thought the world still not complete and so he created sheep, and cows which he later renamed 'woman' and seeing that the sheep were not breeding correctly he brought in a new race which he called 'the welsh' to encourage jealousy amongst the rams, and caused them to reproduce at a more rapid rate.
8. Seeing that the world was now finished he relaxed in his recliner chair in the sky, and took many an acid tab and many a bottle of absinthe. In the morning he saw a new kind of creature was aimlessly wandering the earth. It hath 2 legs 2 arms, walked upright and had lots of pubic hair. In his bewilderment he called them the Germans and so the human race had been born. It was hard to differentiate the woman kind from the man and so he made more of them to create a more defined look between them. The others were renamed transvestites and were thought very strange by all including the welsh.


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