exploring the aftermath

I want to forget something !!! i want to forget something right now .

Can I built up a new reality to conform my self or can I just keep by one reality in order to forget? can I forget the other point of view ?

I did something. I did something experimental .I do not felt good after doing it, but who knows may be I did like the experience ,i don t know what to think anymore I don t know if I enjoy that moment . Just after that action, I felt force to by disgusted ,I force my self to vomit . I insert my middle finger in my mouth and started touching,moving ,displacing the boxing bag inside my mouth fast enough I started coughing , the sound was just what you expected to hear form someone who is going to vomit .Then i eject an orange I had eat 40 or may be 60 minutes ago.

However the taste left in my mouth by that my traumatic experience was still their .I try to vomit again but this time what came up was not an smash orange but some kind of mucous with red blood .I was shaking or at least forcing my self to shake , the strong necessity to by ashame was present but that necessity manage to bloc my real response to the event. Being scare of my feelings was bloc my life!!!! this is not the first time. I am sick of it how can I get ride of all those expectation that have for my self ? How to really get in touch with my feelings ?with my true nature? .Perhaps the standards that bloc feelings are the reflection of my true feelings maybe i should just embrace my own oppression .