You never really reach that level of remorse and modestly unless you walk away from a crash, and the other person doesn't.
At first none of it sinks in. This kind of thing doesn't happen. The doctor comes through those gray double doors and stares for a moment as if things are ok. You expect broken bones, minor damage... Anything besides that dark image plastered in the back of your mind that can only lead to one thing...
And in the weeks after you hear things like we know it wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could do. But was there? I had been there and they hadn't. I had acted alone. I had seen her swerve into the road in front of me... And now I can see it as if it were slow motion, some cheap version of an on screen crash. The slow transition from an uneasy face to pure surprise. Terror hadn't even had time to register on her face. And if I had only swerved the tiniest bit...
I showed up at her funeral, only out of the fear of what would be said of me if I didn't. And immediately I recieved exactly what I had expected. Dark looks and whispered conversations. Nobody had wanted me there. I had no right to be in this place as the person who caused it...
They spoke of how her life was so wrongfully taken from this earth. They spoke of how unfair it all was... and it was as if each of the them were speaking straight to me saying why the he'll would you do this to us!? Why?! And then a man walked to the podium and spoke to me directly. My heart dropped and my eyes felt heavy with the stress of it all.
He was her father.
He said that there was no way that they would ever blame me for this and that he wished I would always remember that. And then with a tear in his eye, he told me to realize that whatever I do from now on, I should know that I'm doing it for two. With clenched fists he left the podium and the room all together. Not a day goes by... Not a day goes by... When I dont think about her and wonder...
Was there anything that could have been done?
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