The alarm clock buzzed loudly, louder loudest as the entire room shook and walls closed in around him. He tried to move but the blankets tightened themselves and held him against the bed, losing his breath as the light bulb morphed into a miniature sun. Growing in volume and heat he struggled to get out, restraints to strong as every spring acted as razors into his skin.
He felt them going up in offence, molesting him and raping him and torturing him, alarm clock was repeating thunder. The flashing digital numbers were lethal lightning bolts into his eyes, going to his brain, skull fucking him even as he was awake, torturing him from the inside out, from up to down, side to side.
He escaped from his bed, rolling onto the bed as a voice began screaming in his head, his body screamed at him amidst the pain MORE! WE NEED MORE! WE’RE GOING TO DIE IF WE DON’T GET MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE! He slowly crawls across the floor, “Shut up body! Shut up, you’re hurting me! Stop hurting me!”
The floor turned to hot coals and brimstone even as he crawled across, nails growing out of the torturous surface and pricking him in every place. WE WANT MORE! YOU WANT MORE AND WE WANT MORE SO GET MORE! IT’S SO EASY! IT COULD ALL BE OVER, ONE NEEDLE! ONE NEEDLE! ONE NEEDLE!
He rolled onto his back, “Shut up, I promised them I wouldn’t! I don’t have any! Spare me the pain body! I hate you body! Go fuck yourself!” the sun’s rays brushed violently against him now, burning through his flesh and touching his bones and wrenching them around and fixing and breaking and fixing and relocating and fixing.
He twisted in every manner, his screams of agony filling the room and filling the world that was his room and that was as big as the world was. He could not see past the windows, the windows were black with evil, flowing down from the sky and into the house and slowly joining the flames as they darkened.
STOP RESISTING! WE WANT WHAT YOU WANT! “Shut up! I can’t hear you!” WE KNOW YOU CAN HEAR US! WE ARE ALL YOU CAN HEAR! WE ARE ALL THAT YOU ARE! “Leave me the hell alone! I will never be like that again! I will never do anything like that again! Stop hurting me!”
He watches the clock and time has frozen, stuck at 4:45 am, always 4:45 am, the world ended at 4:45 am and now he can never escape. He is stuck in the small world with the sun and the bed and the floor vehemently raping him, never giving him a moment’s respite YOU COULD END IT ALL! YOU COULD INDULGE! YOU COULD GIVE IN! GIVE UP!
He reached the closet at last, his teeth aching from the root up and outward and his tongue like led so he could no longer talk as his fingers grasped the shoe box. YES! TAKE THE BOX! OPEN THE BOX! TAKE WHAT’S INSIDE! WE NEED WHAT’S INSIDE! YOU NEED WHAT’S INSIDE! The pain is too much, the forces are too mighty, even as he begins opening the box the pain begins to lessen.
He violently opens the box, pouring the junk out as the neatly packed needle and vial fall. His heart fleets a million beats a second; his head throbs like a level ten earthquake, the vial cracks but doesn’t break. He injects the needle inside, he watches with joy as the liquid begins to form inside the syringe.
He pulls the needle out and goes to stab himself NO! STRAP YOUR ARM FIRST! ELASTIC FIRST OR IT SHALL NOT WORK! Obeying his body he can’t argue with it, he wants it as badly as his body and they are of the same mind now, he tightens the elastic and watches with exhilaration as a vein becomes visible.
He can visualize the blood flowing through his veins and then he smiles in victory, he smiles at his escape, “Fuck you body! I got a different plan!” Re-sticking the needle into the bottle the body screams NO! NO! NO! TOO MUCH! STOP! NO! IT WILL KILL US! KILL YOU!
He laughs hard, he empties the vial and it now fills the syringe and the body cannot do anything but yell. The pain returns with tenfold its original strength, he drops it to the ground as he feels like he’s died and gone to hell only to realize death was worse than life. He can still see the needle, he hears footsteps behind him and voices, different voices, he loses consciousness.
He wakes up, a different beeping, constant and soothing, the air smells sanitized, the sheets feel stiff. The voice is gone, the closet is gone, the needle is gone, the pain is gone. Days pass swiftly and he cannot keep track, different comforting faces and his hand is held and words of love and balloons and he fells different… a different kind of feeling… happy.
The voice is silent, the need is there but it is minimal and it is beaten down by camaraderie, perhaps there is hope in the world. Rehab goes well, he barely remembers any of it, he remembers Susie and Paul and everyone else in his group. Walking home he stops at the sight of the alleyway, the place where all his troubles had begun.
The man with the drugs was there all the time, always supplied and always cheap and he sees him and he walks out. He sees the dealer and the voice tries to re-surface but he will not let it happen again, everything comes in flashes. He has a gun, the man is dead, he hates dealers, he hates drugs, another dealer is dead.
His life is distorted, he can see it happening but cannot control it as he seeks out justice, he feels the handcuffs around his wrists, he sits in court, the hammer slams down and the word guilty is yelled out. He does not cry, he laughs as the voice once did, “You don’t understand! I am justice and you are all pawns of society and I have done it great justice!”
Sentenced to death, the green mile, walking dead is what the guard calls him, the guards pull him out. He laughs and sings Richard Cheese’ Get down with the sickness, he sings it over and over again as they strap him into the chair. He feels the leather tighten around his wrists, the sponge on his head, water down his face, helmet on head.
He can see everyone watching, he blows a kiss and laughs louder, he can see them cringe, the executioner reads the charges, last words, “You’re just jealous!” Electricity fill his body, the pain is a release of the prison that was his life. All his life addicted and finally free of the burden, the price to rid the world of dealers was death and he gladly takes it.
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