Let Him Go

Reads: 1099  | Likes: 1  | Shelves: 1  | Comments: 6

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

A short story of a girl battling with her feelings towards a deceased friend.

It was a joyful feeling to burn, the fire crackling at my feet as paper after paper fall into the red demon at my feet. Pictures of him, of me, of us; each falling effortlessly from my hands like falling leaves from a tree in autumn, only to be turned to ash. Each memory, each moment captured by a note, an email, a letter or a photograph, all gone.

It was 29 days until his birthday. 274 days since I’d seen him last. 1562 days since he’d moved to America.

It had been a month since he died. 25 days since I’d found out. 14 days since the funeral I didn’t have the heart to attend.

It would be forever until I could let him go.

Everything seemed to remind me of him; a song on the radio, a smell from a store, a line from a conversation. Everything was a gateway back to my past with him, a portal back to once was, and what will never be again. Often I would just burst into tears at the reminder that he was actually gone - living without him has been so far impossible.

And it was starting to annoy me.

He was gone, and I couldn’t move on. He had left and I was still stuck in the past. He had taken his own life and escaped, and I was still a prisoner in this cruel world.

I tried to calm myself by breathing in the smell of the fire, closing my weary eyes to take in the sounds, the wood and papers mingling loudly with each other inside the circle of rocks in my back garden. When I kneeled near the fire the immense heat instantly singed my kneecaps, the tingling of the burning sensation somehow only calming me further. In the near silence of the cool winter night I sat back and let the flames dance across my vision.

If only I could throw my lingering feelings for him in the fire too, watch them burn away into beautiful displays of sparks. If only I could place them all in a wooden box and stash them away, never to open and relive again. If only I could relieve myself from the memories that haunted my daily life, the memories that clouded my judgement in every situation. If only I could forget.

The sheer thought of this made hot tears spring behind my eyes, eventually spilling down my face and smudging yesterday’s makeup. I tried to wipe them away as if to hide them from myself, but it was no use - I just kept crying. How could I even attempt to forget? How could I even want to forget? How could I be so selfish?

I held the last paper memory in my hands, staring down at it through my blurred vision. His angelic face rested against mine, his lips pressed gently against my cheek. My eyes were closed, my face turned slightly towards him. In the background were the soft waves of Jackson’s Bay, a bay-leaf tree captured above us, a fallen leaf resting on the shoulder of his grey t-shirt. The sky was the clearest blue I had ever seen.

I wasn’t even actually looking at the photo, but the tiniest glance towards its glossy printed surface sent painful memories sprawling across my vision. It was like it was only yesterday, and yet it was so long ago. It was the last time I’d ever see him, and if only I’d known that.

We’d gotten into a stupid argument about something; I think it was about his ex-girlfriend. If only I hadn’t bought it up, he hadn’t overreacted and we hadn’t left each other angry and disoriented. If only I had another chance to make things right.

It blew over, like all of our arguments did. We were more like siblings than friends, always bickering but always there for each other, always annoying but still loving each other. Always and forever; a promise broken by death.

So when you find out that he’s gone, that you’ll never see him again, that you’ll always be missing a part of yourself; it’s terrifying. It's like you're screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be so important that without them you feel like nothing. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you.

I don’t drop that last photograph into the flames. Instead I walk upstairs and tape it above my bed, so that he is always watching over me. No matter how much I want to let go, he is a part of me. No matter how much I want to just forget it all, it is a part of my past.

No matter how much you regret ever feeling that way about someone, when it's over and it's gone, you wish that you could have it all back again, just one more time.

Before you have to let it all go.


Submitted: July 10, 2013

© Copyright 2021 theOneAndOnlyBree. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:

Comments

Myles_Harris

I felt true emotions in every line. Your words were perfect. It flowed very well. It caught me by surprise that he took his own life. Made the story more touching and sympathetic. The essence of this story is sad but uplifting. Keep it up. I see talent blooming

Wed, July 10th, 2013 10:41am

Author
Reply

Thank you so much for such positive feedback! I really appreciate your praise.

Wed, July 10th, 2013 3:48am

Lazylucy17

Amazing like always Bree x

Wed, July 10th, 2013 10:01pm

Author
Reply

Aw thank you Lucy x

Wed, July 10th, 2013 3:44pm

lawlady02

This is a very emotional piece. I felt an automatic connection to the character in this story and that is always what I look for when I am reading somebody's work. The connection is what keeps readers coming back. I hope you post more work soon!

Wed, July 10th, 2013 11:48pm

Author
Reply

Thank you so much, I really appreciate all the positive feedback.

Wed, July 10th, 2013 6:30pm

Naezeroth

Great Job Bree!
Amazing as usual!

Tue, July 30th, 2013 8:25am

Author
Reply

Aw thank you so much! Really it means a lot. Recommend to anyone you can please!

Tue, July 30th, 2013 11:15pm

ChaiLatte99

Once again a beautiful piece of writing. I love how your writing is so in tune with the emotions of your characters and how you carefully weave their back stories into your writing without it being obvious or irritating. Please keep writing. You have real talent.

Mon, August 5th, 2013 12:11pm

Author
Reply

Aww thanks so much Charlotte! As always you're my biggest support for writing! I'll keep you posted x

Mon, August 5th, 2013 7:15pm

Duke Macbeth Arbiter

D&M

Tue, September 10th, 2013 4:49am

Author
Reply

I know, it's my style! Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks heaps Macbeth :)xx

Mon, September 9th, 2013 9:52pm

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